THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

One day two turnips were walking

down the street.


They were the best of friends.


Just as they started to step off

the curb a car came speeding around

the corner and ran one of them over.


The unhurt turnip called an ambulance

and helped his friend as best he could.


the hurt turnip was rushed to emergecy

at the hospital.


After many hours of agonized waiting

the doctor came out.


He walked over to the turnip and said...


"I have good news... and bad news.



The good news is that your friend is

going to pull through".


"The bad news is that he's going to

be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

15 ways to be annoying:

1.) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2.) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3.) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbours that you’re a "spider person".
4.) When attending a movie you’ve already seen, yell out: "Don’t let him in! He’s the killer!"
5.) When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6.) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
7.) Beep when a large person backs up.
8.) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men"
9.) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10.) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11.) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it’s full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12.) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13.) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14.) While carpooling, make swurvy turns while imitating crash noises.
15.) Insist that life is "one big musical", then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day.

His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks...

"Did anything special happen at school today?".

"Yes, Mom.
I had sex with my English teacher!".

The mother is stunned.

"You're going to talk about this with your father when he
gets home".

Well....
when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased
as punch.

Beaming with pride...
he walks over to his son and says.....

"Son....
I hear you had sex with your English teacher".

"That's right.. Dad".

"Well....
you became a man today.. this is cause for celebration.

Let's head out for some ice cream....
and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for".

"That sounds great Dad.....

but can I have a football instead?.....

My ass is killing me".

A Chinese man had three daughters.

he asked his eldest daughter what
kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three
dragons on his chest".

He then asked his second daughter whom
she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons
on his chest".

He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she
would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man......
with one draggin' on the ground".

The chicken and the egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is real laid back....
smiling....
smoking a cigarette.

But the egg is really upset.

She mutters to herself....

"Well....
I guess we answered THAT question!".

Two male flies were buzzing around
in search of good looking females.

One spotted a real cuttie sitting on
a pile of cow sh*t and dived down
towards her.

"Pardon me"...
he asked in his best manners.

"But..Is this stool taken?".

Gathered round the fire at a lodge
one evening.
The members of a hunting club
regaled each other with heroic tales
from the African bush.

All..that is..except the oldest member.

A ninety one year old man who slept
peacefully in his chair.

Eventually the old man woke up and
instantly launched into a story of his
own.

His audience was captivated.

"I'll never forget my first visit to
Africa"...he began.

"It was back in 1939..and I was
travelling south of Nairobi.
There were four of us in the party...
but somehow I had become separated
from the others.

Trying to find my way back to the jeep
I headed down this overgrown track.

I had only gone a few yards..when I
heard a rustling noise in the bushes.

Then suddenly the biggest lion I had ever
seen jumped out of the bushes at me like
this.....ROOAAARRRR!.

I tell you... I just messed my pants".

"I don't blame you".....
said one of the younger members...

"I would have messed my pants too
If a lion jumped out at me!".

The old man said....

"NO...not then...just now when I went

ROOAAARRRR!".

A woman gave birth to a baby
that was just a head...no arms..
or legs..not even a torso.

But the couple loved it dearly
and indulged it.

After twenty years..they finally
found time to take a vacation
in Europe.
Where they met a swiss doctor
who had recently pioneered a
major medical breakthrough.

He told the couple...

"I can attach a body..arms and legs
to your son...to make him whole".

The couple cut their trip short...
rushed home excitedly..
and into the room where the head
lay in It's crib...
and said...

"Honey....Mom and Dad have the
most wonderful surprise for you!".

The voice from the crib said....

"Not another hat!".

A suave playboy picked up an elegant
young lady in a bar and took her back
to his apartment.

Eager to impress her....
he showed her his collected works of
art and some rare first editions.

He then offered her a drink....
asking her whether she would prefer
a glass of sherry or port.

"Oh'..definitely sherry"....
she said.

"Sherry is like the nectar of the gods..
just looking at it in this crystal decanter
fills me with anticipation.

When the stopper is removed and the
beautiful liquid is poured into the glass
and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma

I am lifted on the wings of ecstasy.

As I taste the magical potion...
my whole being glows...
It seems like a thousand violins are
playing in my ears...
and I am transported into another world.

Port...on the other hand...

makes me fart".

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants
with butter and jam in a Toronto diner when an
American guy...chewing gum...sat down next to
him.

The Canadian ignored the American....
who nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said...

"You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?".

Annoyed at having his leisurely breakfast
interrupted...
the Canadian frowned and replied...

"Of course".

The American blew a huge bubble and grinned.

"We don't.
In the states..we only eat what's inside.
we collect the crusts in a container...
recycle them...
transform them into croissants and sell them
to Canada".

The Canadian listened in silence...
but the American persisted.

"D'ya eat jelly with the bread?".

The Canadian sighed.....

"Of course".

Cracking his gum between his teeth...
the American said...

"We don't...in the states..we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast ...then we put all the peels...
seeds and leftovers in containers...
recycle them...
transform them into jam and sell it to Canada".

The Canadian then asked...

"Do you have sex in the states?".

The American smiled and said...

"Of course we do".

The Canadian leaned closer and asked...

"And what do you do with the condoms once
you've used them?".

"We throw them away... of course".

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile.

"We don't..in Canada...we put them in a
container...recycle them...melt them down
into chewing gum and sell them to America".

A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions
and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give
him some tips.

After a few minutes of listening....
the old priest suggests that they have a word.

"I’ve got a few suggestions"... he says.

"Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with
one hand".

The new priest tries this.

"Very good"... says his senior.

"Now try saying things like... "I see"... "I understand"..and....

"Yes... go on".

The younger priest practises these sayings too.

"Well done"...says the older priest.

"Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and
saying"....

"No way!... What happened next?".

Patrick and sean were nearing a pub which
had been destroyed by an IRA bomb only
minutes before.

As they passed...
a head rolled out of the smouldering ruins
and stopped before them.

Patrick stooped...
picked it up and held it for sean to see.

"Shure now sean isn't d'is Murphy?".

"No.. Patrick.. no.. it couldn't be.

It's an amazing' resemblance...

but Murphy was a lot taller than that".

Edwin and Dorothy met while on holiday...

and Edwin fell head over heels in love with her.

But after a couple of weeks...
taking Dorothy out to various dance clubs..
restaurants.. concerts.. etc.

he was convinced that it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his holiday...
he took her out to dinner and had a serious
talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you I'm a total golf nut"...
Edwin said to his new found lady friend.

"I eat.. sleep.. and breathe golf..
so if that's going to be a problem you'd better
say so now!".

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded...
"Since we're being honest with each other...
you need to know that I'm a hooker".

"I see"... Edwin replied.

He looked down at the table and was quiet for
a moment deep in thought then he added..

"You know...
it's probably because you're not keeping your
wrists straight when you tee off".

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd.

"Friends.. Romans..Countrymen....
lend me your ears.

Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe
and I shall start with France.

We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious".

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeesss... hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus turns to his mate and says....

"He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh?...
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag".

Six months later...
Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the
crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends.. Romans..Countrymen.....
I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised...
we killed 50,000 gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. 'Yeeesss... hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate....

"I'm sick of his bullsh*t... I'm off to France to check this out".

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again....

"Friends... Romans...Countrymen...
tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out".

The crowd are up on their feet.

'Yeeesss... hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus jumps up and shouts...

"Caesar... you are a liar.

You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France....

but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!".

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across
at Brutus and says...

"Brutus... you are forgetting one thing...

Away Gauls count double in Europe".

Bravo!! I especially enjoyed the jokes today!!

An American Inventor went to the
U.S. patents office to register a new
folding bottle.

"What's it called?"......
asked the clerk.

"A Fottle"....
replied the Inventor.
It's short for folding bottle".

"That' a silly name"....
said the clerk.

"And I've also invented a folding
carton called a Farton".

"I'm sorry....
there's no way we can allow that.
It's too rude".

"Oh dear".....
said the Inventor.

"Then you're gonna hate the name
of my folding bucket!".

A Swiss man...looking for directions...
pulled up at a bus stop where two
Americans were waiting.

"Entschuldigung..koennen sie deutsch
sprechen?"...he asked.

The two Americans just stared at him.

He tried again.

"Excusez-moi...parlez..vous..francais?".

The two Americans continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"...
asked the Swiss... still no response.

"Hablan..Ustedes..Espanol?"...
he ventured.

Still nothing.

The Swiss man then drove off...disgusted.

The first American turned to the other
and said...

'Y' know...maybe we should learn a foreign
language".

"Why?"...said the other.

"That guy knew four languages....
and it didn't do him any good!".

What's the difference between a
Jehovah's Witness and a Skoda?.

You can shut the door on a
Jehova's Witness.

What's the difference between a
Skoda and a tampon?.

The tampon comes with its own tow rope.

What's the difference between being
caught inside KYLIE MINOGUE'S bra
and being caught inside a Skoda?.

You feel a bigger tit in a Skoda!.

Like all pilots....

Santa Claus receives regular visits from
the Aviation Administration to ensure that
all of his equipment is in proper working
order for the festive season.

In preparation for the AA.inspection last month
Santa got the elves to wash the sleigh
and bathe all the reindeer.

Santa then went through his books to
make sure they were right up to date...
for he knew that the examiner would be
extremely thorough.

On arrival..the examiner walked slowly
around the sleigh.

He checked the reindeer harness....
the landing gear...and Rudolph's nose.

He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight
and balance calculations for the sleigh's
enormous load.

Finally they were ready for the test ride...
in which Santa's flying skills would come
under intense scrutiny.

Santa got into the sleigh...fastened his
seat belt and shoulder harness....
and checked the compass.

All the reindeer were in position.

Then the examiner hopped in...
carrying...to Santa's surprise...
a shotgun.

"What's that for?..asked Santa nervously.

The examiner winked and confided...

"I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of
time.....

But you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff!".

A nervous young man was pacing up and
down the waiting room at a maternity
hospital.

Eventually he asked another guy....
who seemed more experienced in these
matters....

"How long after the baby is born can you
have sex with the mother?".

The older guy said.....

"It depends whether she's in a public or
private ward".

THree women were discussing birth control.

The first said..."We're Catholic...so we don't
practice birth control".

The second said..."I am too..but we use the
rhythm method".

The third said..."We use the bucket and
saucer method".

"What's that?"....asked the others.

"Well"...she said...

"I'm five feet eleven inches tall..... and my
husband is five feet two inches.

We make love standing up...with him standing
on a bucket...and when his eyes get as big as
saucers....
I kick the bucket out from under him".

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and said...

"If you woke up in the morning all sore .

With your trousers round your ankles...

vaseline all over your butt...

and a used condom hanging out of it....

would you tell anyone?".

"No way!...Never!".

"Wanna go to a party?".

skinman {kan} wrote:

A little boy came home from school
and told his father that they learned
about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a christian
saint and we're Jewish.....
will god get mad at me for giving someone
a Valentine?".

"I shouldn't think so"...said his father.

"Why?...who do you want to send a
Valentine to?".

"Osama Bin Laden"...replied the boy.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?"....
asked the father...shocked.

"Well"...said the boy...

"I thought that if a little American Jewish
boy could have enough love to send
Osama a Valentine....
he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad...
and maybe start loving people a bit...
and if other kids saw what I did and sent
Valentines to Osama...
he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start travelling the world...
telling everyone how much he loved them
and how he didn't hate anyone anymore".

His father's heart swelled..and he looked
at the boy with newfound pride.

"Son"...he said...that's the most wonderful
thing I've ever heard".

"I know"...said the boy.

"And once that gets him out in the open...

The Marines will be able to get a clear
shot at him!".

On a day of a royal wedding...

Sophie was getting dressed...
surrounded by all her family.

she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

"sheer Panic".

her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes
from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately.. they were a bit too small and by the time the
festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing
she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom..
to hear roughly what they expected..

grunts.. straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually... they heard Edward say...

"God.. that was tight".

"There"... whispered the Queen.

"I told you she was a virgin".

Then... to their surprise... they heard Edward say...

"Right... Now for the other one"...

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward
said...

"My God.
That was even tighter".

"That's my boy"...

said prince philip.

"Once a sailor.... always a sailor".

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat.

As he settles in...he glances up and sees a most
beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realises she is heading straight towards
his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Lo and behold... she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation... he blurts out...

"Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"... she states.

"GULP".

He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.

Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen...

sitting right next to him and she is going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs!.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool.. he calmly asks...

"What's your business role at this convention?".

"Lecturer"...she says.

"I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality".

"Really"... he says..... swallowing hard....

"what myths are those?".

"Well"... she explains..."one popular myth is that African
American men are the most well-endowed when...
in fact... it is the Native American Indian who is most likely
to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best
lovers... when actually it is men of Greek descent".

Suddenly... the woman becomes very embarrassed and
blushes.

"I'm sorry"... she says...

"I shouldn't be discussing this with you....
I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto"... the man says... as he extends his hand.

"Tonto Papadopoulos".

When I was 14...
I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16....
I got a girlfriend...
but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a
zest for life.

I dated a passionate girl...
but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency...
she was a bit of a drama queen.. cried all the time
and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she
was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited
about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl
with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl....
but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another...
never settling on anything.

She did impetuous things and flirted with everyone
she met.
She made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic...
but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31...
I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.

I am now a lot older...and a bit wiser.....

and am looking for a girl with very big boobs!.

Phone - 0141-...............

...............................................My Dream World Cup Teams.


..................................... BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP .
........................................................Pinnochio.
.........................................................Libero.
..................................Vimto. Memento . Borneo. Tango.
.............................................Cheerio. Subbuteo.
............................................. Scenario. Fellatio.
......................................................Portfolio.
SUBS.
Placebo
Porno
Polio
..........................................................................................
...................................YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP
...............................................................Itch.
..............................Annoyingitch. Hardtoreachitch. Scratchanitch.
.............................................Hic. Sic. Spic. Pric.
................................................Digaditch. Fallinaditch.
.......................................................Horseraditch.
SUBS.
Mowapitch.
Letsgetrich.
Shagabitch.
....................................................................................................

......................................ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP.
..............................................Chatanoogaciouciou.
.................................Atishiou. Blessiou. Thankyiou.
........................................Busqueue. Snookercu.
.........................Pennyciou. Twoapennyciou. Fourapennyciou.
.......................................I'llgetciou. Youandwhosarmi.
SUBS.
U.
NonU.
ManU.
Stuffyiou.
Lee Kwan Yu.
...........................................................................................
.........................................DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP.
..........................................................Toomanigoalsin.
..............................Tryandstopussen. Crapdefenssen. Haveagossen.
...................................................Firstssin. Seccondsin.
.........................................................Thirdssin.
.......................................Legshurtssen. Notroubleseeingussen.
....................................Wherestheballssen. Getthebeerssen.
SUBS.
Howmanygoalsisthatssen.
Finallygaveupcountinssen.
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen.
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen.
........................................................................................................
..........................................ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP.
............................................................Baloni.
........................................Potbelli. Beerbelli. Giveitsumwelli.
..............................Wotsontelli. nogettenni. Onetoomani.
..........................................Legslikejelli. Havabenni.
........................................Wobblijelli. Spendapenni.
SUBS.
Cantthinkofani.
Buggermi.
..................................................................................................
......................................MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP.
..................................................San Francisco.
..................Costa Brava. Hopelez. Juan Andonly. Manuel Gearbox.
..............Don Criformi-Argentina. Bodegas. Luis Canon. Sombrero.
............................................Chihuahua. Jose.
SUBS.
Jesus Maria Don Key.
Burrito.
Speedy Gonzalez.
Tequila.
Caramba.
.........................................DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP.
................................................Kenning van Hire.
...................Van Diemansland. Van der Valk. Van Gard. Van Erealdizeez.
..........................Ad van Tagus. Hertz van Rental. Transit van Dors.
...........................Van Coova. Van Sprokendown. Aye van Hoe.
SUBS.
Van Iller.
Van Ishincreme.
Van Morrison.

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham...

a jockey was well ahead of the field.

Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey
and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and
pulled back into the lead...
only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers
and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last
fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to
the front of the field once more when...
on the run in...
he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry
and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted.....
he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain
that he had been seriously hampered!.

A hard working doctor....

Usually on his feet for a fourteen hour
shift liked to pop in to a bar for a drink
to unwind...he always ordered a
Daquiri..with a crushed walnut on top.

He was so reliable...and punctual that
the bartender prepared his drink in
advance...so he wouldn't have to
wait.

One afternoon...the bartender started
to prepare the doctors drink....
when he realised he was all out of
crushed walnuts.

So...he sustituted them for crushed
hickory nuts.

The doctor came in as usual....
took one sip of his drink and said...

"This isn't my usual!".

The bartender said....

"NO....

This is a Hickory Daquiri Doc".

FUNNY....

OMG Mono! That's funny!