THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

my secret dream, to be a top nun, ehhhr top father that is

Monochrome {KAN} wrote:

my secret dream, to be a top nun, ehhhr top father that is

Hey Mono...
here's a nice bag to keep all your freudian slips in.

Freudian Slip Up Bag for the more discerning .

An Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon
suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation...
he says quietly to himself...

"Oh God..I'm in for it!".

There is a ray of light from heaven and a
voice booms out...

"No... you're not.
Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in
the head of the chief standing in front of you".

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds
to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body..
breathing heavily and surrounded by a hundred
natives with a look of anger on their faces..

Gods voice booms out again..

"OKAY .....

NOW... you're in for it!".

There once was a princess

who was walking through the woods.

All of a sudden she heard a voice calling...

"Hey Princess!".

She looked around and didn't see anyone
except a frog sitting on a big rock.

She started to carry on her way...

the frog called out again....

"Hey Princess...

if you take me home and let me sleep
next to you...

I will turn back into a Prince!".

It had been a very long day.....

she decided to give it a try.

The Princess took the frog home
with her and let him sleep in her bed.

When she woke up the next day what do you
think she found?.

There on her bed beside her..
lay a Prince.

Do you believe this story?...

No!.

Neither did her mother.

Carlos the ice-cream man's van
is parked at the side of the road.

Lights flashing....

music playing...

A big queue of excited kids stretched
for miles down the street.

But there's no sign of Carlos.

A policeman walking down the road
wonders what is going on.

"Where is Carlos?...

Why is he not dishing out the ice cream?"

He goes over to the van and peers over
the high counter.

On the floor he spots Carlos.

He's lying very still....

covered in chocolate sauce...

strawberry sauce...

nuts.....

hundreds and thousands....

and those little jelly bits.

"Get back kids"....
he shouts.

Moving away so the bemused kids
cannot overhear him...

he gets on the radio to the police
station.

"Sarge....

get someone down here quick"....
he stutters.

"It's Carlos the ice-cream man...

He's topped himself".

It was a cold winter day.

An old man walked out onto a frozen lake...

cut a hole in the ice...

dropped in his fishing line...

and waited patiently for a bite.

He was there for almost an hour...
without even a nibble....
when a young boy walked out onto the ice..

cut a hole in the ice next to him.

The young boy dropped in his fishing line and
minutes later he hooked an enormous salmon.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked
it up to plain luck.

shortly thereafter...

the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

Finally......

the old man couldn't take it any longer.

"Son.. I've been here for over an hour without
even a nibble.

You've been here only a few minutes and have
caught a half dozen fish!.
How do you do it?".

The boy responded....

"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm".

"What was that?"....
the old man asked.

Again the boy responded...

"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm".

"Look"....
said the old man...

"I can't understand a word you're saying".

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said...

"You have to keep the worms warm!"

A policeman came upon a terrible wreck
where the driver and passenger had been
killed.

As he looked over the wreckage a monkey
came out of the bushes and hopped around
the crashed car.

The policeman looked down at the monkey
and said....

"I wish you could talk".

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook
his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?"...
asked the policeman.

Again...
the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well...
did you see what happened?".

"Yes".....
motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his
hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?"....
asked the policeman.

The monkey shakes his head.

"Yes".

"What else?".

The monkey pinched his fingers together and
held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?".

The monkey shakes his head.

"Yes".

"What else?".

The monkey motioned...
"kissing".

"They were kissing.. too?"....
asked the astounded policeman.

The monkey shakes his head.

"Yes".

"Now wait....

you're saying your owners were drinking....

smoking and kissing before they wrecked".

The monkey shakes his head.

"Yes".

"What were you doing during all this?".

"Driving".....

motioned the monkey.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband
was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood
pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband
had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

Great Joke oddy +


.................Me's Still Got Us nice Skin.

hope i dont break any rules or in wrong section but funny

Late one night at the
insane asylum one
inmate shouted...

"I am Napoleon!".

Another shouted...

"How do you know?".

The first inmate said...

"God told me!".

Just then...

a wee voice from a third
room shouted...

"Oh no I didn't"

A young man bought a new pair
of boots...of which he was very
proud.

He decided to show them off at
his favourite nightclub.

After dancing with one girl for a
few minutes...he said...

"I bet you I can guess what colour
your knickers are".

"Ok"...she said...

"What colour do you think they are?".

"Blue"...he replied.

"How did you know that?"...she asked.

"I saw the reflection in my shiny new
boots"...he said.

"Here"..she said...

"Dance with my sister and tell me what
colour she has on".

After dancing a while...the young man
started rubbing the toes of his boots
on the leg of his jeans.

Then... he continued dancing.

But a few minutes later..he asked the
sister....

"What colour of knickers do you have on?".
I can't seem to make them out".

She replied..."I'm not wearing any knickers".

"Good"...said the young man...breathing a huge
sigh of relief.

"For a minute.....
I thought I had a crack in my
new boots".

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman
were discussing what the most important
invention was.

The Englishman said...

"I think the heart transplant was the greatest
invention ever...

because I had a dodgy heart...

and it'd be curtains for me if it wasn't for a heart
transplant".

The Scotsman said...

"I think liver transplants are the best...

as I'm partial to a bit of whisky...

and it'd be curtains for me if they hadn't replaced
my liver".

The Irishman then said...

"I think blinds were the greatest invention ever...

otherwise it'd be curtains for all of us".

An armed.. hooded robber burst into
A Bank...

and forced the tellers to load a sack
full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot...

one brave customer grabbed
the hood and pulled it off....

revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without
hesitation!.

He then looked around the bank to see
if anyone else had seen him.

One of the tellers looked straight at him
and the robber walked over...

and calmly shot him.

Everyone by now was very scared and
looking down at the floor".

Did anyone else see my face?"...

asked the robber.

There were a few moments of silence...

then one elderly lady...

tentatively raised her hand and said...

"I think my husband might
have caught a glimpse".

let's say that my great great uncle..

Wee Angus...

a fellow lacking in character..

was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery
in Glasgow in the 1800s.

My cousin supplied me with the only known photograph
of Angus showing him standing on the gallows.

On the back of the picture are the words...

Wee Angus.. Horse thief...
sent to Barlinnie Prison..
Glasgow 1835.
Escaped 1837...
robbed the Flying Scot six times.
Caught by Edinburgh detectives...
convicted and hanged.. 1840.

Pretty grim situation... right?.

let's revise things a wee bit.

We simply crop the picture...

scan in an enlarged image and edit it with
image processing software.

so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next... we rewrite the text.

"Wee Angus was a famous scottish entrepreneur.

His business empire grew to include acquisition of

valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings
with the Glasgow railroad.

Beginning in 1835...

he devoted several years of his life to service at a
government facility.

finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
railroad.

In 1837 he was a key player in a vital investigation
run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1840...
Angus passed away during an important civic function
held in his honor....

when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed".

The director of a large company
wakes up one morning...
showers and puts on his best
suit ready for another hard
day at the office.

Catching sight of himself in
the mirror he thinks....

"By god....

you’re looking good this
morning".

He admires the fine cut of
his suit and the sparkle of
his smile...
and takes a deep breath.

"Feeling good too"...
he notes.

Sitting at breakfast his wife
says....

"You’re looking really good
this morning...
darling".

"I feel good too"...
he responds.

"But you’re not smelling too
good dear"...
she comments.

he takes a sniff.
"Hmmm....

You’re right there"...
he says worriedly.

"I am smelling a bit rough".

He finishes his breakfast...
downs his coffee...
and heads for his private office.

"Good morning"...
he grins at his secretary.

"Yes its a beautiful morning"...
she replies...

"and you’re looking really good".
.
"Why thank you I feel good too"...
replies the director...
flexing his arms.

"Oh..sir!"...
cries his secretary.

"You may look good and feel
good but you smell awful!".

Worried..
he visits his doctor.

"Doc I have a problem"...
he says.

"I look good and feel good
but I smell awful!".

The doctor consults his
medical textbook scanning
quickly through it...

"Looks good ...
yeah ...

feels good ...
yeah ...

smells awful".

"Ah ..

that’s it sir...
I have the answer ...

You’re a ***t".

The Forest Service has issued a bear
warning for the summer.

They're urging everyone to protect
themselves by wearing bells and
carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be on the alert for
signs of fresh bear activity....

and they should be familiar with the
difference between black bear dung
and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is rather small and
round.

Sometimes you can see fruit seeds
and/or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly bear dung has bells in it
and smells like pepper spray!".

Three guys go on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

The very next day they stumble into a
Harem tent filled with more than a
hundred beautiful women.

They start getting friendly with these
exotic beauties....

when suddenly the Shiek comes in.

"I am the master of these women.

no one can touch them but me.

you three men must pay for what you
have done today.

you will be punished in a way that
corresponds to your profession".

With that...

the Shiek turns to the first man and
asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a policeman"..he says.

"Then we will shoot your privates off!"..
says the Shiek.

He then turns to the second man and
asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a fireman"..says the man.

"Then we will burn your privates off!"..
says the Shiek.

Finally...

he asks the last man..

"And you..what do you do for a living?".

the man replies...

"I sell lollipops!".

After going through many antenatal classes
with his expectant wife....

The proud new father remained by his wife's
bedside throughout labour and the delivery.

Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible...

He took her hand afterwards....

and said emotionally....

"Tell me how it was darling....

How it actually felt to give birth?".

"Okay..sweetheart"..his wife replied.

"Smile as hard as you can".

Beaming down beautifully at his wife and
newborn child....

The man followed her Instructions.

"That's not so hard"..he said.

She continued...

"Now stick a finger in each corner of your
mouth".

He obeyed..smiling broadly.

"Now stretch your lips as far as they'll go"...

She went on.

"Still not too tough"..he remarked.

"Right"..she snapped.

"Now pull them over your head".

Three ladies were discussing the travails
of getting older.

one said...

"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand..while standing
in front of the refrigerator..and I can't
remember whether I need to put it away
or start making a sandwich".

The second lady joined in with...

"Yes..sometimes I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember
whether I was on my way up....
or on my way down".

The third one responded...

"Well..ladies..I'm glad I don't have that
problem....Knock on wood"..she said..
as she rapped her knuckles on the table..

and then said...

"That must be the door...

I'll get It!".

Just before dawn...

An Indian chief walked into his daughter's tent
unannounced....

Only to find her in an embrace with one of the
village's handsome young braves.

Irate...he said to the brave....

"Now that you've had relations with my daughter..

you must marry her.

but first you must pass an endurance test to
prove your worth".

"I love your daughter"...

the young tribesman avowed...

"And will be happy to submit to any test".

The chief and the brave walked down to the lake
by the village...

wrapped in their bearskins because it was mid-
February and the temperature was five degrees
below zero.

They stopped on the edge of the frozen lake
and the chief said...

"You must chop a hole in the ice....

swim the three miles to the other side....

then swim back.

upon your return...

we shall have a great feast and you shall wed my
daughter".

"Love shall sustain me through this trial of my
manhood"......the brave vowed.

and when he had finished chopping through
the ice....

he plunged into the icy waters.

Three hours later there was no sign of the young
brave.

and though the vigil was kept until the wee small
hours of the morning...

everyone in the village knew the worst.....

the young brave had not survived.

In his memory..the chief's daughter decided to
name the lake after her lover.

and to this day...

It's referred to ...

as... LAKE STUPID.

A man and a woman are driving
along..when they see a wounded
skunk lying by the side of the
road.

They stop...the woman gets out...

picks it up...and brings it into the
car.

She says...

"Look it's shivering...

It must be cold...

What should I do?".

He says...

"Put it between your legs".

She says...

"What about the smell?".

He says...

"Hold It's nose!".

.....................................

On their 50th anniversary...

A wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband...

A retired green beret captain...

and asked....

"Honey...

do you remember this?".

He looked up from his newspaper
and said...

"Yes.. I do honeybun.

You wore that same negligee the night
we were married".

She said...

"Yes... that's right sugarlumps...

Do you remember what you said to me
that night?".

He nodded and said...

"Yes pumkin..

I said..


"Oh baby... I'm going to suck the life out
of those boobs and screw your brains out".

She giggled and said...

"That's exactly what you said..big boy..

Now...

It's fifty years later...

and I'm in the same negligee.

What do you have to say tonight...

love of my life?".


He looked her up and down and said...

"Mission accomplished!".

A young.. hopeful actor was entertaining some important
film directors in a top class London Hotel...

Trying hard to tie up a film contract with them...

but not quite able to convince them that he had the right
sort of acting abilities.

He excused himself to take a leak and review the situation
and just then saw Sean Connery coming out of the Mens room.

He quickly introduced himself and explained that he was trying
to close a deal that would put him in a great film....

but that he couldn't quite convince his potential backers of his
acting ability.

However...

if Sean could just see his way to stopping briefly...

as he walked past their table and simply say......

"Nice to see you Sam.. how are you keeping?"....

It would definitely see him close to getting the part.

Sean said.....

"I like a guy who uses his initiative and can manipulate a
situation to his own advantage.

Sure....

I'll do that for you...

best of luck".

Sam thanks him profusely and returns to his table.

Shortly afterwards...

Sean approaches them and they all go quiet and wide eyed
as he nears their table.

True to his word....

Sean connery says....

"Nice to see you Sam... how are you keeping?".

Sam looks at him and says....

"F**k off Sean... can't you see I'm busy.

An old gentleman...

was reminiscing to a fellow pensioner
about his late wife.

"Yes..she was a remarkable woman..

extremely religious.

When she woke up in the morning..

she would sing a hymn.

then she would ask me to join her
in prayer.

Then..over breakfast..she would
recite a psalm...then sing a hymn..

and that's how it went all day...

praying..singing and reciting until
she finally climbed into bed..

said her prayers..sang a hymn
and said her prayers again.

and then one morning she was
dead".

"What happened?"..

said his fellow pensioner.

"I STRANGLED HER!".

great joke mono...

Brian always wanted a new pair of authentic
harley motorcycle boots.

So..

seeing a great pair for sale..

he bought them and took them home.

Walking proudly...

he sauntered into the
kitchen and said to his wife....

"Notice anything different about me?".

Maria looked him over....

"No".

Frustrated...

Brian stormed off to the bathroom...

undressed and walked back into the kitchen
completely naked....

except for the boots.

Again..he asked Maria...

A little louder this time..

"Notice anything different now?".

Maria looked up and exclaimed...

"Brian..what's different?...

It's hanging down today...

It was hanging down yesterday...

It'll be hanging down again tomorrow!".

Furious..Brian yelled...

"And do you know why It's hanging down..

Maria?".

"Nope"..she replied.

"It's hanging down..because It's looking at
my new boots!".

Without changing her expression...

Maria replied....

"Shoulda bought a new helmet Brian".

One day the Israeli soldier at the checkpoint
on the military highway...

addressed the Arab riding along on his donkey....

his aged wife trudging before him.

"I've been watching you go by every morning
for months"....

the guard commented...

"And you always ride and your wife is always
on foot.

Why?".

"Wife have no donkey"...

replied the Arab..with a shrug.

"I see.

but why does she walk in front of you?

Is that the custom of your people?".

The Arab shook his head.

"Land Mines"...he explained.

The head of a large Industrial company had
to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he
bossed them around just like he did his staff.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything
to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand
up to him.

She came into his room and announced...

"I'll have to take your temperature".

After complaining for several minutes...

he finally settled down...

crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No... I'm sorry"... the nurse stated...

"but for this reading...

I can't use an oral thermometer".

This started another round of complaining
but eventually he rolled over and bared
his bottom.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer...

he heard her announce...

"I have to get something.

Now you stay just like that until I get back!".

She left the door to his room open on her way out.

He cursed under his breath as he heard people
walking past his door... laughing.

After half an hour...

the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?"...

asked the doctor.

Angrily... the man answered...

"What's the matter...

Doc?... Haven't you ever seen someone having
their temperature taken?".

After a pause...

the doctor confessed.....

"Not with a carnation".

A lady was walking down Sauchiehall street in glasgow...

when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby
looking homeless woman who asked her for money.

She got out her purse and took out five pounds...

and asked...

"If I give you this money...

will you buy wine with it instead of food?".

"No...

I had to stop drinking years ago"...

the homeless woman told her.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?"...

she asked.

"No...

I don't waste time shopping"...

It takes me all my time just trying to stay alive".

"Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?"...

the lady asked.

"Are you Nuts!"....

"I haven't had my hair done in twenty years!".

"Well"...said the lady...

"I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead...

I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband
and I tonight".

The homeless woman was shocked.

"Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that?..

I know I must look dirty...

and I probably smell pretty disgusting".



"That's okay.

It's important for him to see what a woman looks like

after she has given up shopping..

hair appointments...

and wine".

An elderly couple are watching
television late one evening.

A preacher is giving a sermon about his
Divine powers given to him by god.

The preacher faces the camera...

and announces...

"My friends...

I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone
of you watching this programme.

Place one hand on top of your Television and the other
hand on the part of your body which ails you....

and I will heal you".

The old woman had been having terrible stomach
problems of late...

so...

she places one hand on the television...

and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile....

her husband approaches the television...

places one hand on top of the Television...

and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says...

"Ernest...

he's talking about healing the sick...

not raising the dead".

Going into a bar and ordering a double...

a man leaned over and confided to the bartender...

"I'm so fed up!".

"Oh yeah?...Why is that?.... What happened?".....
asked the bartender politely.

"See.....

I met this really beautiful woman who invited me back
to her place.

We jumped into bed and we were just about to make
love when her darned husband came in the front door.

So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang
from the ledge by my fingernails!".

"Goodness... that's tough!"....replied the bartender.

"Right....

but that's not what really made me fed up"...
the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said....

"Hey great!...honey... You're naked already!...
Let me just take a leak".

And darned if the lazy son of a gun didn't pee
out the window...

right onto my head?".

"Yeech!"...

the bartender shook his head.

"No wonder you're in a lousy mood".

"Yeah....

but I haven't told you what really...
really got to me.

I had to listen to them grunting and groaning
and when they finished...

the husband wiped himself on a tissue...
then tossed it out of the window.

And where does it land?...

My forehead!".

"Darn... that really is a drag!".....
says the bartender....

"That would sure mess up my day".

"Yeah... yeah"... the fellow rattled on.

"but do you know what REALLY... REALLY...

made me fed up?....

When I looked down....

I saw that my feet were only

six inches off the ground!".

An old man....

visits his doctor for a routine check-up
and everything seems normal.

Then...

the doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well"...

said the man....

"Not bad at all to be honest.

The wife ain't all that interested
anymore....

so I just cruise around.

In the past week I was able to pick
up and bed three girls.

none of whom were over thirty years
old".

"My goodness...Frank..and at your
age too"....
exclaimed the doctor

"I hope you took some precautions".

"Yep...I may be old..doc...

but I ain't senile yet...

I gave 'em all a false name".

This guy came into work the other day
with a fistful of cigars....

and started passing them out left right
and centre.....

to celebrate the birth of his son.

"Congratulations..Eric"..said his boss.

"How much did the baby weigh?".

"Four and a half pounds"..reported the
father proudly.

"Wow...that's quite small".

"What did you expect?"...retorted Eric
indignantly.

"We've only been married four months".



................................................

They've just invented the most effective
birth control pill ever.

It weighs two and a half tonnes....

and when you jam it up against
your bedroom door....

there's no way your husband can
get in.



......................................................................


In the woods....

In a shack with no electricity....

A man's wife went into labour in
the middle of the night.

The local doctor was fetched to
help with the delivery.

The doctor gave the nervous
father to be a lantern to hold...

partly to keep him occupied...

and partly so that he could see
what he was doing.

After a few minutes....

a baby boy was born...

and the husband put down the
lantern to hold him.

"Don't put that lantern down just
yet"...said the doctor.

"I think there's another one on
the way".

Shortly afterwards...

a baby daughter was born...

and the husband put down the
lantern to hold her.

"Don't put that lantern down
yet"...said the doctor.

"I think there may be another
one still to come".

sure enough..a few minutes later...

another baby girl was born.

The father scratched his head
and said to the doctor...

"Do you think It's the light
that's attracting them?".

A woman phoned the doctor
in the middle of the night.

"Doctor..please come over quick.

my son just swallowed a condom".

The doctor quickly got dressed.

but just as he was about to leave...

The phone rang again.

It was the same woman.

"Doctor..don't bother....

there's no need to come over after all.

my husband just found another one!".

A woman who lived on a main road

was having trouble with her bedroom
wardrobe.

Every time a bus went past....

The doors would fly open.

So she called a carpenter who came
round to have a look at it.

He couldn't see any problems on the
outside...

so he climbed into it.

Just then the woman's husband came
home and sensing something was up
ran straight into the bedroom and
flung open the wardrobe doors.

"What the heck are you doing here?"...

he demanded.

"Would you believe.....

I'm waiting for a bus?"....

said the carpenter.