THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties
in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on... together with a short skirt and
sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments... she uncrosses her legs
enough times...until her husband notices and says...

"Are you wearing crotch less panties?".

"Y-e-s".... she purrs.... with a seductive smile.


"Thank God for that"...he says.

"I thought you were sitting on the cat".

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Jim, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Jim is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'


'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

'More 'an likely gonna be some fighting, too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More 'an likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

Susan... was standing in the kitchen....preparing Tom's usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.... wearing only

The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As he walked in still half asleep... she turned to him and said

Softly....

“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!".

his eyes lit up and he thought....

"I am either still dreaming....

Or...boy...is this my lucky day!" .


Not wanting to lose the moment...

he embraced her and then...

gave it his all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said....

"Thanks" ....and returned to the stove...

Her T-shirt still around her neck.


Happy... but a little puzzled... he asked...

"What was that all about?".

She explained...

"The egg timer's broken".

A man is telling a story.

"I was playing golf..and even though I am
usually a pretty good player...I was playing
horribly that day.

As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole
I heard a voice say...

"Three Wood".

I looked around but no one was behind me
so I took my stance and was about to play
when once again I heard...

"Three Wood".

I looked down and there was a frog at the corner
of the tee box..and it was telling me to use my
three wood.

This seemed crazy...but I was playing so badly
that I figured nothing could hurt me so I took
out my three wood.

It was a long par four and I hit the ball straight
two hundred and fifty yards with that three wood!.

This frog seemed to be lucky..so I picked it up
and took it along with me.

At the next hole it told me to use my five iron.
It was a par three and I got my first hole in one
ever.

I made at least a birdie on all the rest of the holes
and all I had to do was listen to the frog.

That night I took the frog to the Casino at my hotel.
We played roulette.
I put my money where the frog told me to and I won
on every spin of the wheel.

What with all the excitement of the day... I was getting
a little tired so I decided to retire to my room.

I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser.
Suddenly the frog looked at me and said....

"KISS ME".

Now I'm not the type that goes around kissing frogs...
but I thought ..what the hell....so I kissed the frog and
it turned into the most beautiful fifteen year old girl
you have ever seen in your entire life.

And That...your honour....

Is how that under age girl ended up in my hotel room".

I got some new aftershave today that
smells like bread crumbs....

the birds love it!




David Cameron has announced that he
intends to make it more difficult to claim
benefits.

From next week all the forms will be
printed in English.



The Husband said to his wife ...

"My Olympic condoms have arrived ...
I think I'll wear gold tonight" .

She said...

"why don't you wear silver and come
second for a change".


I was driving home this morning when
I saw an AA. van parked in a lay-by.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably
and looked very miserable.

I thought.....
"that guy's heading for a breakdown".



An RAF fighter plane was flying over
Afghanistan when he noticed a flying
carpet on each side of his plane both
with a machine gunner on board.

Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got a right bollocking

apparently they were Allied Carpets!.



On holiday last year in Spain.. I saw a sign
that said...

English speaking Doctor.

I thought what a good idea...
why don't we have them in our country.



The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin
was sexually abused from behind on stage
last night.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Four Jamaicans were sitting around a camp fire on the beach.

They were all philosophizing on what was the fastest thing in
the world.

Seymour said...

" Me tink de fasses ting is a thought... cause before you can tink
it it already thought".

Winston said...

" Nah man... da fassess ting is a blink... cos before you tink to blink
you dun blink already" .

Delroy said...

" No man... da fassess ting is helectricity becas when you turn on de
light it travel fass and de lite come on".

Leroy say...

" Nah man... You is aaaaaaalll wrong... man!.

I knows dat for a Fact dat De fassess ting in de world most definite is
diarrhoea.

Cos las nite before me could tink.. blink.. or switch on de lite...

Me sh*t meself!.

A policeman spots a huge coloured man
dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?".

"A big fat Black bloke is dancing on a car roof".

"You can't say that over the radio"... replies the operator.

"You have to use the politically correct terminology".

"OK"... says The policeman ....

"Zulu...Tango....Sierra".

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing
so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy... I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to
close me clinic.

I want you to take care of Da clinic and take care of all
me patients".

"Yes... sir!".... answered Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day
and asks....

"So... Murphy...how was your day?".

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so he did....
so I gave him Paracetamol".

"Bravo Murphy me lad... and Da second one?"..
asked the doctor.

"Da second one had indigestion so I gave him Gaviscon..
so I did sir"... says Murphy.

"Bravo... bravo!... You're good at this and what about Da
third one?".... asked the doctor.

"Well....Sor... I was sitting here and suddenly the door flied
open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.

Like a bolt outta da blue... she tore off her clothes...
taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lay
down on da table... spreading her legs and shouts....

"HELP ME..... for the love of St Patrick!.
For five years I have not seen any man!'".


"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy... So....what did you do?"...
asked the doctor.


Murphy replied...

"Sure....I put drops in her eyes".

Life magazine sends one of its reporters to the
Appalachian Mountains to gather the life stories
of the locals.

On the first day..the reporter climbs up a mountain
and there he encounters an old man sitting in a
rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin.

"GOOD MORNING..SIR.
I'm a reporter from Life magazine.
I'm here to gather life stories from the folk living
in this area...do you have any memorable stories
to tell?".

The old man thinks for a while and then says...

"Well..I remember the day when my neighbour's
goat got lost in yonder mountains..so me and the
boys went off looking for that darned goat and we
brought along some food and moonshine.
when we found the goat..we took turns humping it
under the lemon tree...we had a grand time eating..
drinking..and fornicating".

The reporter was dumbfounded by what he had just
heard.

"Um..that's an interesting story..sir..but I can't use that
in the magazine..do you have any other memorable
stories to tell?".

"Let's see..well..I remember the day when my neighbour's
daughter got lost in yonder mountains..so me and the boys
went off looking for that darned girl and we brought along
some food and moonshine.
when we found that girl...we took turns humping her under
the lemon tree..we had a great time eating..drinking and
fornicating".

"Listen..sir..My magazine certainly won't allow that story
to be printed..how about some sad stories?...do you have
any sad stories to tell?".

"WELL...

I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains".

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered


all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe


what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Laramie


that will teach our dog,Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says.


"How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding!


How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.


At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year,


his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue?


I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.


Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,


Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.


Then he turned to me and asked,


"So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now


serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

After being made redundant at a Belfast factory..
Pat and Mick signed on for unemployment benefit.

Pat told the clerk that he was a Panty Stitcher and
was awarded two hundred pounds a week in benefits.

Mick told the clerk he was a diesel fitter and was given
two hundred and fifty pounds a week in benefits.

When pat learned that Mick was receiving more money
he complained bitterly to the clerk.

"Why should a diesel fitter get more than a Panty Stitcher?".

The clerk explained..."The additional money is a new grant
given to skilled workers..Engineers such as diesel fitters are
eligible".

"Mick was never an Engineer"...stormed Pat..."He was in
quality control.

After I stitched a pair of Panties...I'd give them to him.

If he could pull them over his ahrse...he'd say....

"Yeah....diesel fitter!".

Enzio ...

was a Sicilian deaf mute employed as a bookeeper by Don Corleone...
the Mafia godfather.

He was employed...because... being deaf he could not hear anything
said by Don Corleone and therefore... could not testify against him in
court.

One day... Don Corleone suspected that Enzio had cheated him out of
$10 million.

He gets his lawyer...who could converse in sign language... to confront
Enzio about the missing cash.

Don Corleone tells the lawyer....

"Ask him what he did with the $10 million he embezzled from me?".

The lawyer... using sign language... asks Enzo what he did with the money.

Enzio signs back......... "I don't know what you are talking about".

The lawyer says to Don Corleone....

"He doesn't know what you are talking about".

Don Corleone pulls out a gun... puts it to Enzio's temple and says...

"Ask him again".

The lawyer signs to Enzio......,"He'll kill you if you don't tell him".

Enzio signs back..."OK... I'll tell you.... The money is in a brown suitcase
buried behind my cousin Vinni's backyard".

Don Corleone shouts....."What the hell did he say?" .

The lawyer replied.....

" He says you haven't got the guts to pull that trigger".

An Irishman is on holiday in the American
mid-west when he wanders into a local
bar and has a few beers.

After a while he notices there's one of
those mechanical bulls in the corner and
he asks the barman if he can have a go.

The barman says..."be my guest".

So the Irishman climbs on and the bull
starts moving.

"No one's ever made it past five minutes
on their first try...Paddy!"..the barman
warns him

To everyone's amazement..however...the
Irishman sails through the five minute mark.

He blasts past ten and fifteen...even after
twenty minutes...he's still holding on.

The locals are awestruck.....
he's fast approaching the world record.

The barman cranks up the bull to top speed
and it goes like crazy...but the plucky Irishman
hangs on ...unfazed.

Eventually...after forty five minutes...the bull
breaks down and comes to a halt.

The crowd are cheering and whooping as the
barman grabs the hand of the Irishman and
shoves a microphone in his face.

"Holy shit..boy!..you done broke the world record
by a clear fifteen minutes!..how you do that?".

"Easy"...replies Paddy.

"I'm married to an Epileptic.

If you can fcuk her for five minutes....

you can ride anything".

A farmhand is driving around the farm on his tractor
checking fences.

After a few minutes...he calls his boss on his mobile.

"Boss...I've got this here problem.

I must have hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the
front grill of the tractor..and he's still wriggling.....what
should I do?".

"In the back seat of the tractor there's a shotgun"...
his boss tells him.

"Shoot the pig in the head..and when it stops wriggling
you can pull it out and throw it in the back of the tractor.

"Okay"..says the farmhand.

About ten minutes later he calls back.

"Boss...I did what you said..I shot the pig and dragged
it out and threw it in the back of the tractor".

"So...what's the problem?"...his boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!".

It's a beautiful sunny day so Tom decides
to go fishing at his usual spot at a local
river.

When he gets there he is surprised to see
an unfamiliar face fishing on the opposite
side of the river.

When Tom leaves that evening...the stranger
is still sitting there.

Tom comes back early the following morning
and the stranger is there again... and is still
fishing when Tom leaves that evening.

This routine continues for a few days until
Tom can't contain his curiosity any more.

He approaches the stranger and says...
"Excuse me..I can't help noticing that every
morning when I arrive you are sitting there..
and you're still there when I leave every night.

Don't you have a home to go to?".

"I'm on my honeymoon"..replies the stranger.

"My wife is in that log cabin up there on the
hillside".

"Shouldn't you be up there with her then?"...
says Tom.

"I can't touch her...she's got Gonorrhoea"...
says the stranger.

"What about doing it in the tradesman's
entrance?"...jokes Tom.

"I can't...she suffers from chronic diarrhoea".

"Well...It's still your honeymoon...couldn't
you get her to give you a blowjob?".

"Nope...she's got pyorrhoea".

"That's terrible!"...says Tom.

"What on earth did you marry her for?".


The stranger replied....

"For the Maggots".

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their otherwise idyllic marriage
arose from the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke.

The noise would disturb his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp
for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop
farting because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it...after all..It was
perfectly natural.

She told him to go see a doctor..she was concerned
that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by...however...and he continued to
let rip.

One winters morning she had had enough.

As she was preparing a Turkey for Sunday dinner...
and her husband lay upstairs sound asleep....she
looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey
Innards and neck..gizzard..liver...and all the spare
parts...and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs to where her
husband lay sound asleep.

Gently pulling back the bed covers...she pulled back
the waistband of his Y-fronts and emptied the bowl
of turkey guts into his underpants.

A while later she heard her husband wake and let
rip the usual blast...followed by a blood- curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he
hurtled into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled
on the floor laughing...tears in her eyes!.

After years of torture she reckoned she had got her
revenge.

About half an hour later...her husband came downstairs
in his bloodstained underpants...with a look of horror on
his face.

She bit her lip and asked him what was the matter.

"You were right"...he said.."All these years you have
warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?"...asked the wife.

"Well...you always told me that one day I would end up
blowing my guts out and today it finally happened.

But...by the grace of god....some Vaseline...and these
two fingers...I think I got most of them back in!".

Larry La Prise...the man who wrote the
Hokey Cokey song...died peacefully on
11 April 1996...aged eighty three.

For his family... however...the funeral
was really traumatic.

It all began as they were putting him
into the coffin.

They put his left leg in......and things
just started to go downhill from there.

A man goes into a bar and notices a beautiful
woman sitting at the other end.

He catches her eye and...much to his surprise
she winks back at him.

It doesn't take long before he is sitting on the
stool next to her.

They talk for about an hour over a couple of
drinks...when the woman says to him....

"Your pretty cute..I'll tell you what..I live just
around the corner...what do you think about
coming up to my place?".

"That sounds great!"...the man replies...barely
able to believe his luck.

"Before we go up there ...though"....she asks

"I have to ask you one question...Do you like doing
it Greek style?".

"Well... I'm not exactly sure what that is...but I'm
willing to learn...Let's go!".

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get through the door...the woman
rips off all her clothes.

He can't believe his eyes...she has an amazing body.

"Your sure you want it Greek style?"..she asks.

"Let's do it... babe!"...the man replies.

"All right ...then"....says the woman.

"Take off all your clothes...and get up on the bed on
your hands and knees".

he rips off his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his
hands and knees.

The woman goes round and gets onto the bed right
in front of the man...she kneels down in front of his
head..and asks him again....

"Are you sure you want to do it Greek style?".

"YES!...YES!...pleads the man.

So she grabs him with her arms right under his armpits
getting him in a lock hold.

He can't move at all.....his face is pressing right into her
chest.

Again she says..."Are you sure?".

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between
her breasts.

"YES!"....he mumbles..."Greek style!".

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice...and she yells
out....

"ALEXANDROS!"....HE'S READY!".

Two Irish couples decided to spice up
their boring sex lives by swapping
partners.

Paddy said later....

"That was fouking great...I wonder how
da girls got on?".

A new young Catholic priest had just started
working at the local church when the head priest...
Father Edward...told him he was going on a
seminary for a week.

Father Edward asked the new priest if he wouldn't
mind taking the confessions whilst he was away.

Concerned that he was inexperienced... The Father
gave him the latest handbook on what to do in the
confession box.

The new priest had been doing the job for only a
few minutes when a young woman entered the box
and said..."Forgive me.. father..for I have sinned.
I have had feelings of a carnal nature towards the
man who mows our lawn".

The priest looked to his handbook and found the
appropriate section on sexual desire and gardening.

"You must do five hail marys...and put something in
the collection box"...he told her.

Minutes later...a second woman confessed she had
kissed the man who came to fix her boiler.

He looked in the handbook...found the section on
sexual relations with members of the plumbing trade
and handed down a penance of ten hail marys and an
afternoon of polishing the church brass.

Minutes later...
yet another woman entered the confessional box and
admitted that she had given the local policeman a blow job.

However...the priest couldn't find any mention regarding
felatio and wondered what to do.

He stuck his head out of the box and said...

"I don't suppose anyone knows what father Edward's
going rate is for a blowjob?".

A passing choirboy replied...

"A Creme Egg and a Kit-Kat".

A leper wins a ticket to see the men's final at Wimbledon.

When he gets there...he has trouble finding a seat because
pieces of him are peeling and flaking off and he's deeply
embarrassed.

The leper wanders around centre court...looking for a seat
where his grotesque appearance wont disturb anyone else.

Finally he finds an end of aisle seat where he might be able
to watch the game.

He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay
to sit there.

The man answers..."No problem...mate...just sit down and
watch the game".

The Leper sits down and says..."As you may have noticed..
I have Leprosy...If it bothers you...I will move".

"It doesn't bother me...just shut up and watch the game".

A while later...during the fifth game...the man suddenly
throws up.

Undigested strawberries and cream are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this...the Leper gets up and says..."Thank you for letting
me sit next to you...but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to be ill...I will look for another place to sit".

The man finishes spewing up...wipes his mouth and says....

"Look mate...It's not you..I promise..just sit down..shut up..and watch
the game".

So the Leper sits back down.

But during the second set the man begins to projectile vomit.

A powerful blast of puke and bile emanates from his mouth and nose
until his stomach is completely emptied.

The Leper feels terrible at the sight of this man's obvious suffering and
once again...he offers to leave...but the man insists..."Really...it's not
you".

So..the Leper asks..."Well if it's not me that is making you so ill....
what is it?".

The man replies........"It's that bloke behind you...pal......

He keeps dipping his strawberries in the back of your head".

Patrick said to Murphy....

"I'm ready for a holiday... only ting.....

Dis year I'm going to do it a bit different.

Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Den... Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Murphy asked ....

" So what are you going to do Dis year?".

Patrick replied....

" Oi'll take her with me!".

Murphy then said....

"By Da way...close yor curtains the next time you're having
sex with yor wife...

Da whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday".

Patrick said.....

"Well Da joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday".

A man was found murdered in his home.

Detectives at the scene found the man
face down in the bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk....and
the deceased had a banana sticking out
his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

The Pope was finishing his sermon to the masses.

He ended with the Latin phrase....

"Tuti Homini" ..... Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the
next day.

They had noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind....

but not Womankind.

The next day.... after his sermon.... the Pope concluded
by saying.....

"Tuti Homini....et Tuti Femini" ... Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope.

They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind....

and asked if he could also bless gay people.

"Sure".....he said.

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with....

"Tuti Homini....et Tuti Femini..... et Tuti Fruiti!".

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people
when they tell lies.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son"...he asks.... "where were you today?" .

The son says... "at school dad".

The Robot slaps the son!.

"Ok... I watched a dvd at my friends house!".

"What dvd?".

"Toy story".

The Robot slaps the son again!.

"Ok....it was a porno".... cries the son.

"What! ....When I was your age I didn't know
what porn was".... says the dad.

The Robot slaps the dad!.

Mum laughs... "Ha Ha Ha!.... He's certainly
your son".

The Robot slaps mum.



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