THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

One bright and sunny day....

A man was strolling past the local mental hospital....

when suddenly he remembered he had an important meeting.

Unfortunately... his watch had stopped....

and he couldn't tell if he was late or not.

Noticing a patient within the hospital grounds....

He Called out to the patient.... "Pardon me.. sir..

but do you have the right time?".

The patient called back... "One moment!".

Then threw himself on the ground... pulled out a short stick....

pushed the stick into the ground....pulled out a carpenter's level...

and assured himself that the stick was vertical.

With a compass... the patient located north... and with a steel ruler...

measured the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket.... the patient calculated rapidly...

then swiftly packed up all his tools and turned back to the pedestrian.

"It is now precisely 3:29 pm... provided today is August 16th... which I believe it is".

The man couldn't help but be impressed by this demonstration...

and set his watch accordingly.

Before he left... he said to the patient...

"That was really quite remarkable.. but tell me..what do you do on a cloudy day..

or at night.. when the stick casts no shadow?".

The patient held up his wrist and said....

"I'd just look at my watch".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_geek

A US Border Patrol Agent......

catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.

He pulls him out and says....

"Sorry... you know the law... I've got to take you back across the
border right now".

The Mexican man pleads with him....

"Noooo.... Senor... I must stay in de USA!....

Pleeeze!"

The border patrol agent thinks to himself....

I'm going to make it really hard for him and says....

"OK....I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence".

The Mexican of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him....

"The three words are......

green.. pink.. and yellow.

Now use them in one sentence".

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes....

then says...

"Hmmm.. OK.

Thee phone... it went green... green.. green...

I pink it up....

and sez yellow?".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

Murphy died in a fire.....

and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed
someone to identify the body.

His two best friends.....

Seamus and Sean were sent for.

Seamus went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said....

"Begorrah...an' Bejeezus.... he's burnt pretty bad.

would you be Rolling him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said....

"By all the saints.... it ain't Murphy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and
then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said....

"Good God... he's burnt real bad... roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said....

"No....Dat's not Murphy".

The mortician asked.... 'How can you be so sure?'

Sean said.... "Well.... Murphy had two bottoms".

"What... he had two bottoms?"........ said the mortician.

"To be sure now..... everyone knew he had two bottoms.

Every time Murphy...Seamus....and meself come into town...

folks would say....

Here comes Murphy with the two A**holes!".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

Did you hear about the cruise ship that collided

into a tanker carrying red and blue paint?.

twelve hundred passengers were marooned.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate.....

when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog... a Corgi...crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world seemed to be against him... and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried in the ground.

He rubbed it and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from a thousands years of imprisonment".... said the genie.

"As a reward I shall grant you one wish".

"Well"... said Charles....

"I have all the material things I need.... but let me show you this dog".

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?".... the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"His body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.

Is there something else you would like?". Charles thought for a minute....

reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana"... said Charles....

showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla"....
and he showed the genie the second photo.

"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all....

so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?".

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said....

"Let's have a look at the dog again".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the guinness book of records.

the first one said.... "I have really short arms".... and he succeeds to get in.

The second one says..... "I have really short legs".... and he gets in.

The third one says..... "I have really small privates".

When he comes out he says.....

"Who the heck is Leonardo DiCaprio?".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_lol

The only seat available on the train.....

was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman
and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary American traveller asked....

"Ma'am...could you please move your dog....
I'd like that seat".

The French woman looked down her nose at the American...

sniffed and said.. You Americans.... Your are such a rude class of people.

Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?".

The American walked away... determined to find a place to rest....

but after another trip down to the end of the train...

found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked....

"Please... lady..... May I sit there?".... I'm very tired".

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted....

"You Americans!... Not only are you rude....

you are also arrogant....Imagine!".

The American didn't say anything else... he leaned over...

picked up the dog... tossed it out the window of the train
and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and wailed... and demanded that someone
defend her honor and chastise the American.

An english man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly.

"You know..pal.. you yanks do seem to have a penchant for doing
the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now... Sir...

you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_eek

What Would You Do?.

You are the President of the United States.

Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth.

They have calculated that it will strike Scotland in two days....

at approximately 2:30 A.M.

The meteor is large enough to completely wipe Scotland from the face
of the earth forever.

Scotland have asked the United Nations....

to request that the United States send all available ships and aircraft
immediately to help evacuate the country.

Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are
being used to fight the war on terror overseas.

As President... you must decide...Do you....

A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?.

or do you....

B) Tape it and watch it in the morning?.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

Scotland's world cup football team's training session
was delayed on Wednesday night for nearly two hours.

One of the players...

while on his way back to the dressing room happened
to look down and notice a suspicious looking...

unknown white powdery substance.

The Coach immediately suspended practice while the Police
were called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis....

the Police determined that the white substance....

unknown to the players...

was in fact the chalk line around the penalty box.

Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was
unlikely that the team would ever encounter the substance again.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_lol

Two doctors in a hospital hallway.....

were complaining to each other about Nurse Jenny.

"She's incredibly stupid.....

She does everything absolutely backwards".... said one.

"Just last week... I told her to give a patient two milligrams
of Percocet every ten hours.....

She gave him ten milligrams every two hours.

He nearly died on us!".

The second doctor said....

"That's nothing.

Earlier this week....

I told her to give a patient an enema every twenty four hours.

She tried to give him twenty four enemas in one hour!.....

The guy nearly exploded!".

Suddenly.....

A blood curdling scream could be heard from down the hall.

"Oh my God!"..... said the first doctor.

"I just realized........

I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_eek

A young man starts a new job.....

and his boss says.....

"If you marry my daughter... I'll make you a partner....

give you an expense account...a Mercedes......

and a million pounds annual salary".

The young man asks....

"What's wrong with her?".

his boss shows him a picture...she's hideous.

His boss says... "It's only fair to tell you....

she's not only ugly,...she's thick as a wall ".

The young man says....

"I don't care what you offer me...I wont do it".

His boss replies.....

"I'll give you five million pounds a year salary...

and build you a mansion".

So he accepts.....

figuring he can put a bag over her head when they make love.

A year later... the young man buys an original Van Gogh....

and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife....

"Bring me a hammer".

She mumbles to herself....

"Get the hammer.... Get the hammer"....

and she fetches the hammer.

He then shouts.....

"Get me some nails".

She mutters.....

"Get the nails..... Get the nails".....

and she gets him some nails.

He starts hammering a nail into the wall....

hits his thumb..... and yells.....

"F*ck".

She mumbles.....

"Get the bag. .....Get the bag".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

A woman is driving down a narrow country road....

when a man comes hurtling round a corner.

She swerves to avoid him.....

but as she passes....

he leans out the window and screams...

"COW"!.

Astonished....

the woman turns and yells back.....

"PIG"!.

just before crashing into the cow.

-------------------------------

A patient runs into the doctors office.

"Doctor... doctor....

I've got a problem".

the doctor looks at him....

"what is it that's wrong?".

I've got a strawberry stuck up my bottom".

the doctor said....

"You want cream for that?".

--------------------------------

Being interviewed for a job.....

the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers.....

"I'm going to give you both a written examination.

Ten questions.

Whoever gets most right.. gets hired".

Papers were produced....

and the boys set to work answering the general
knowledge questions.

When the time was up the personnel manager
collected and marked the papers.

"Well... said the manager.....

"you've both got nine out of ten....

but I'm giving Mick the job".

"Why's that?".... asked Pat.

"Well"... said the manager...

you both got the same question wrong

but he had.....

"I don't know this"....

and you had....

"Neither do I!".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

Two old geezers were sitting on a park bench
blethering to one another.....

"I’ve sure gotten old!.

I’ve had two bypass surgeries...

a hip replacement....

new knees.... fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind.....

can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine

Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy....

winded... and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts of dementia....

poor circulation......

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 90 or 92.

I’ve lost all my friends.

But.....

thank God......

I still have my driver’s licence".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Affraid

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Affraid

A local newspaper reporter.....

was interviewing an eighty four year old lady
because she had just gotten married for the
fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life
about what it felt like to be marrying at age eighty
four....

and then about her new husband’s occupation.

"He’s a funeral director"....she answered.

Interesting the reporter thought....

then he asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him
a little about her first three husbands.....

and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments....

needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time....

A smile came to her face and she answered proudly

explaining that she first married a banker when she was
in her early twenties....

then a circus ringmaster when she was in her forties.

later on a preacher when in her sixties....

and now....a funeral director.

The reporter looked at her...

quite astonished...

and asked why she had married four men with such
diverse careers.

"Easy son".... she smiled.

"I married one for the money..…

two for the show.....

three to get ready....

and four to go".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_lol

A blonde woman.....

competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman
in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim
competition.

The brunette won... the redhead came in second.

The blonde finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with warm blankets and hot coffee
she remarked...

"I don't want to complain....

but I think those other two girls used their arms".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_geek

Just after fred got married....

he was invited out for a night with his pals.

he told his misses....

"I will be home by midnight ... promise!".

Well... the hours passed and the beer was
going down way too easy....

at around three A.M. drunk as a skunk...

he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door....

the cuckoo clock in the hall started up...

and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up...

so he cuckooed another nine times.

he was really proud of himself....

having such a quick witty solution....

even when smashed...

to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the wife asked him what time
he got in and he told her twelve o'clock.

She didn't seem disturbed at all.

Whew!....he thought Got away with that one!

She then told him that he needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why,,,,

she said.....

"Well... it cuckooed three times.....

said... "oh bollocks"... cuckooed four more times....

cleared its throat... cuckooed another three times...

giggled.... cuckooed twice more and then farted".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

Cinderella is now 75 years old.

After a fulfilled life with the now dead Prince....

she happily sat upon her rocking chair...

watching the world go by from her front porch...

with her cat called Alan for companionship.

Suddenly..from out of nowhere... appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said....

"Fairy Godmother what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied....

"Well Cinder's since you have lived a good wholesome life since we
last met.....

I have decided to grant you three wishes.

Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?".

Cinderella is taken aback... overjoyed and after some
thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath
she uttered her first wish.

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension".

Instantly... her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned.

Alan.. her old faithful cat.. jumped off her lap and scampered
to the edge of the porch... quivering with fear.

Cinderella said...

"Oh thank you.... Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied...

"It is the least I can do.

What does your heart wish for with your second wish?".

Cinderella looked down at her frail body.... and said...

"I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once... her wish having been desired... became reality...

and her beautiful youthful visage had returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years
and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through
her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke.

"You have one more wish... what shall you have?".

Cinderella looked over at the frightened cat in the corner and said...

"I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome
young man".

Magically... Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make up... that when complete he stood before her... a boy.. so beautiful...

the like of which she nor the world had ever seen.

so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke.

"Congratulations... Cinderella.... Enjoy your new life".

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity.... she was gone.

For a few eerie moments... Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat... breathless... gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she
had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella... who sat transfixed in her rocking chair...

and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear...

and into her ear breathed as much as whispered......

blowing her golden hair with his warm breath.

"I bet you regret having my privates chopped off now.... don't you?".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Lol

Poor Alan, super sexy but no balls xD THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Lol

two retired gentlemen....

were sitting in the park sunning themselves.

One gentleman spoke up....

"I just got the best birthday gift ever ....

the finest hearing aid money can buy".

The second man asked....

"What kind is it?"

The first man....

looked at his watch... replied....

"It's two thirty".

One day......

a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage
and found that during his absence his name had been
removed from the town register.

He sent his wife to the town hall to make a complaint to
the mayor.

"I'm sorry"....said the mayor......

"I must have taken Leif off my census".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_geek

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.....

were having dinner in their hotel room.....

when suddenly a tree walked in.

"What the devil is that".....

said Watson.

"Elm entry.... my Dear Watson"...

said Holmes.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

A man read in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away.

He decided that he just had to see it.

The journey was a long and arduous one but he simply couldn't resist.

He set out on this trip and travelled by car to the docks...

and caught a boat .

After weeks of sea travel he arrived on the other side of the world....

and took a train to the zoo.

When he saw the white gorilla he couldn't believe his eyes.

It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

He simply had to get a closer look......

so he went to the zoo manager and begged to be allowed into
the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuaded the manager to let
him in to the gorilla's cage,

but before he did he told the man that whatever he did......

he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla.

The man agreed and was led to the cage.

He tiptoed into the cage and was amazed....

the gorilla was even more beautiful close up than it was from
a distance.

The white gorilla just sat quietly and looked at the man.

After a while the man got used to being so close to the gorilla
and it seemed so peaceful and calm that he started to think that there
couldn't be any harm in touching the gorilla.

He slowly moved closer and closer to it.....

all the time the white gorilla just looked calmly at him.

He reached out his arm and gently touched the gorilla.

Just as his arm made contact....

the gorilla jumped up and started roaring.

The man turned and ran to the exit....

getting there just before the gorilla.

He leapt through the door and slammed the
door just in time.

The gorilla pulled at the door and to the man's horror the bars started to bend.

The man ran out of the zoo and to the train station and jumped on a train.....

which as luck would have it was just leaving.

He glanced back and could see the gorilla chasing after the train....

but not really gaining on it.

The train arrived at the docks and the man quickly scampered aboard a boat.

The boat set sail.... and the man thought he was safe at last.

He relaxed and started to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean.

The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he saw a small
shape in the water trailing behind the boat.

He couldn't make it out so he borrowed a pair of binoculars from a fellow passenger.

He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the
white gorilla.....

swimming behind the boat.

The boat arrived in port and the man hurried through customs and rushed to his car.

He drove off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean.

He drove as fast as he could to his house and ran into his house....

locking all the doors behind him.

All the while being followed by the huge white gorilla.

The gorilla started pounding on the door....

and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knew
it wouldn't take very long for the gorilla to get in.

He ran from room to room trying to think of a place he could hide.

He heard the door shatter and jumped into a wardrobe....

and pulled the door behind him.

Outside the gorilla was going mad trying to find him.....

he's ripping things up and tearing out doors.

Finally.... he came to the wardrobe the man was hiding in.....

and ripped the door off.

The gorilla saw the man and smiled......

reached out a massive hand and gently touched the man......

and said.......

Tag...., you're it".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_geek

ROFLMAO

A lady sought the advice of a sex therapist.....

confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man
who could fufill her needs.....

and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these
short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment
from the outside?"....

she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way....

is by the size of his feet".....

replied the therapist.

So she went into town and proceeded to cruise the pubs....

until she came across a young fellow standing at a bar with the
biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner.... wined and dined him....

and then took him back to a hotel for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning.....

the woman had already gone but.....

by the bedside table was £20 pounds and a note that read....

"With my compliments.....

please take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes
that fit you".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Affraid

A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization.

Ghandi replied......

''I think it would be a good idea".

An Edinburgh woman.....

the wrong side of forty is looking for a husband.

but she is only willing to marry a man who has
never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching....

she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has
lived his entire life in the wilds of Inverness.

after a long distance courtship....

they finally meet......and decide to get married.

On their wedding night.....

she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom.....

she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room
naked.....

except for a pair of wellington boots.....

and all the furniture in the room piled in one corner.

"What's going on?"..... she asks.

"I've never been with a woman".... he says.

"But if it's anything like with a sheep.....

I'm goin' ta need all the room I can get!".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

Just after the end of the last war.....

a soldier was posted to the far east.

He wrote home regularly during the voyage but because of
censorship regulations....

he was unable to tell his mother exactly where he was.

His first letter read as follows.....

"Dear mother...I cannot tell you exactly where I am at the
moment....

but we had shore leave yesterday and I went hunting and
shot an elephant!".

His next letter read....

"Dear mother....I still cannot tell you where I am....

but yesterday we went ashore again and I danced with a
Geisha girl".

His third letter started off like this....

"Dear mother...I still cannot tell you where we are....

but yesterday the medical officer told me it would have
been better if I had danced with the Elephant....

and shot the Geisha girl!".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

My Mother told me when I was young
that I should always retain an air of
mystery...

and never let a woman see me naked.

So....

I always go to bed with my hat on.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 80948

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 80948

A man presented himself at his doctor's surgery.....

with his face covered in green blotches.

The doctor had only recently qualified and was
completely mystified by the symptom....

even reference to his textbooks provided no
enlightenment.

He felt his status as a diagnostician to be in
jeopardy.

"Tell me"...said the doctor....

"Have you ever had this before?".

"I certainly have...doctor"....

the patient replied...impatiently.

"I got it seven or eight times last year".

"In that case"...announced the doctor....

"I reckon you've got it again".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_geek

"Are you the defendant?".....

asked the judge of big Frankie...

who had been arraigned in the dock
on a charge of stealing a car.

"No...No"....said Frankie....

"I have a lawyer to do the defending....

I'm the one who stole the car".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

A male and a female whale....

are swimming off the coast of Japan when they
notice a whaling ship.

The male recognizes it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier.

he says to the female....

"Let's both swim under the ship and blow out
our air holes at the same time.

this should make the ship turn over and sink".

They try it and....

sure enough...the ship capsizes and quickly sinks.

Soon...however...the whales realise that the sailors
have jumped over-board and are swimming to the
safety of shore.

The male is enraged that they are going to get
away and tells the female....

"Let's swim after them and gobble them up before
they reach shore".

But the female is reluctant to follow him.

"LOOK"....she says.....

"I went along with the blow job.....

but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

Two old ladies....

are standing at a bus stop and they are
both smoking.

Suddenly....it starts to rain.

one of the women takes a condom out
of her handbag...cuts off the end...

and slips it over her cigarette.

"What are you doing"....

the other woman enquires.

"I don't like it when my cigarette gets wet
so I cover it with a condom".

"That's quite a handy device.
where did you get it?".

"At the chemist's of course".

The next day...her friend goes to the
pharmacy and asks for a condom.

"What size?".....

the pharmacist asks.

"Oh'...I don't know....

one that will fit a camel".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

A knockout ....

twenty two year old woman decides she
wants to get rich quick....

so she finds herself a rich eighty three year
old man....

planning to make love so much on their wedding
night...it is bound to kill him.

The courtship and wedding go off without a hitch...

in spite of the vast age difference....

and the two depart on their honeymoon.

At bedtime...the woman gets undressed...

and waits for the elderly groom to come out of
the bathroom.

To her surprise...when he emerges...

he has nothing on but a condom covering his
twelve inches of privacy.

he is carrying a pair of ear plugs and a pair of
nose plugs.

Fearing her plan may have gone amiss...

she asks....

"What are those for?".

"There are just two things I can't stand"...

he says.

"The sound of a woman screaming....

and the smell of burning rubber".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Affraid

Barely twenty minutes after teeing off....

A woman came into the clubhouse....

grimacing with pain.

"What happened?"...the club pro asked.

"I got stung by a bee"...she replied.

"Where?".

"Between the first and second holes".

"Hmmm"...the pro murmured.

"Sounds like your stance was a little too wide".

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How many existentialists .....

does it take to change a lightbulb?.

TWO.

One to screw it in....

And one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolises a single incandescent beacon of
subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity....

reaching towards the ultimate horror of a
maudlin cosmos of bleak...hostile nothingness.

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A bloke stumbles home completely plastered.

He spends an hour trying to get his key in the
lock...with no success....

when a policeman happens to pass by.

"Is everything all right ...sir?"....
asks the policeman.

"I can't get the damn key in the lock...officer"...
slurs the man.

The policeman helps him out with the key and
starts to go on his way.

"Wait...Wait"....
shouts the drunk....

"I really appreciate it....

let me show you my house!".

"No thank you...sir...I'll just be on my way"....
says the policeman.

"I insist"...
presses the drunk.

"It'll only take a second...and I really want to
show you!".

So the policeman agrees...anything to keep the
peace...and they go inside.

They enter the living room.

"There's my TV...my Stereo....and all that"....
says the man.

"That's nice"...
the policeman replies.

They go through to the kitchen.

"There's my microwave...the new refrigerator....
pretty nice....eh?"....
says the man.

"Lovely"...replies the policeman.

Next It's into the kids' bedroom.

"those are my two baby boys".

"Yes"....says the policeman...
"they look cute".

Finally they go through to the man's
bedroom.

"And that's my wife....

and that's me next to her".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Affraid

Three guys.....

were out fishing when one caught a mermaid.

She offered to grant each fisherman one wish
in exchange for her freedom.

"Alright...double my IQ."......

said the first fisherman.

"DONE"...said the mermaid...and the man...

to his amazement....

began to recite Shakespeare.

The second fisherman was so staggered....

that he forgot all about asking her to make
his privates bigger...

and instead asked the mermaid...

"Triple my IQ."........

"DONE"...said the mermaid....

and he started deducing solutions to mathematical
problems that he had never even realised existed.

The third fisherman was beside himself.

"Quintuple my IQ."...he screamed.

The mermaid looked at him and said....

"Normally I wouldn't try to change someone's mind
about a wish....

but I'd really like you to reconsider".

The bloke shook his head stubbornly.

"No...I want my IQ. Increased five times.
If you don't do it...I won't set you free".

"Please"...said the mermaid.....

"It will alter your entire view of the universe".

No matter what the mermaid said...the third
fisherman insisted.

So the mermaid sighed and said....

"DONE".

with that...the third guy became a woman.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_pale

Howie had been feeling guilty all day long.

He kept trying to put it out of his mind...

but he just couldn't.

The sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every so often his soothing inner voice
would try to rally his defences...

saying reassuringly....

"Howie...don't worry...you aren't the first
doctor to sleep with a patient....

and certainly you won't be the last".

Invariably...though...the sneering voice
of guilt would interrupt...accusing..saying...

"Howie Reed....

how can you call yourself......

Basingstoke's top vet?".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 688194

A bloke decided to take a holiday and travel
somewhere exotic...

so he booked a trip to a small.....

relatively unspoiled pacific island where the
native culture was still intact.

He flew into Thailand and set sail from Jakarta
on a specially chartered boat to the island
paradise.

As the boat was approaching the island....

he heard the faint sound of drums.

"How quaint"...he thought.

"The natives are performing an ancient drum
ritual".

He arrived at the island....

and got something to eat in a charming local
bar.

He finished his meal...noticing that the drums
were still throbbing away a little louder now.

After a few hours more...he began to wonder
when they were going to stop.

Curious...he asked a native why the drums had
been going on for so long.

Rather than reply though...

the native ran away screaming...with a terrible
look on his face.

Thinking he had probably broken some taboo by
asking an intrusive question....

the bloke decided to just forget about the drums
and enjoy his holiday.

After two days of continuous drumming.....

broken sleep...mild headaches and so on...
the drums were really starting to get to him.

On the beach....

he crossed over to a local...

a man with his wife and kids...and asked...

"When are the drums going to stop?".

the native looked at him in horror...

all of a sudden...the whole family were backing
away...then they turned and fled.

The bloke decided to leave it another night...

ears stuffed with cotton wool...he tried all night
in vain to sleep.

Next morning though...they were still pounding
away in the hills.

He went outside....

found an old native man...

pounced on him and grabbed him in a vicious
head lock.

"Listen to me...old man"...said the bloke....

"You will tell me when the drums stop...

or I'll snap your damn neck".

The old man looked up at him...shuddering...
and said....

"I would rather die than be the one who stops
the drums".

The bloke... perplexed...asked him why.

Slowly...reluctantly...the old man said...

"When the drums are over....

the harmonica starts!".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Affraid

In Africa....

some of the tribes have a peculiar
custom of beating the ground with
clubs...

and uttering unearthly cries.

Anthropologists have described this
as a form of demonic exorcism.

In Europe....we call it GOLF.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

Jack decided to go hill climbing with his pal Bob.

They loaded up Jack's van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours...

they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself...

but I'm recently widowed"... she explained.

"I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house".

"Don't worry"... Jack said.

"We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.

And if the weather breaks....we'll be gone at first light".

The lady agreed....

and the men settled in for the night.

Come morning.... the weather had cleared....

and they went on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend tramping over the hills.

About nine months later....

Jack got an unexpected letter.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out...

but he finally determined that it was from the lawyer
of the attractive widow he had met on the hill climbing
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked....

"Bob...

do you remember that good looking widow from the farm
we stayed at on our walking holiday up North about nine
months ago?"

"Yes.. I do".... said Bob

"Did you... em'... happen to get up in the middle of the night....

go up to the house and pay her a visit?".

"Well...um...yes".... Bob said....

a little embarrassed about being found out.

"I have to admit that I did".

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your real name?".

Bob's face turned beet red and he said....

"Yes... look... I'm sorry.... mate... I'm afraid I did".

"Why do you ask?".

"She just died and left me everything".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_geek

A man goes into a barbers for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up......

he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave
especially around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing....Sir"....

says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby
drawer.

"I'll Just place this between your cheek and gums".

The barber places the ball in his mouth and then proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes....

the client thinks for a minute then asks in a garbled voice....

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem".....

says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

Paul was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.

When the time came to leave....

his car wouldn't start and the local service station was
closed.

The husband urged Paul to stay the night and they could
call the garage in the morning.

There wasn't a spare bed in the house.....

not even a sofa.

So Paul would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when his wife poked
paul on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that".... he whispered.

"Your husband is my best pal!".

"Listen".... she whispered back....

"there isn't anything in the whole wide world that could wake
him up now".

"I can't believe that".... paul said.

"Certainly if I get on top of you..... he'll wake up won't he?.

"he certainly won't..... If you don't believe me......

pluck a hair out of his bottom and see if that wakes him".

Paul did just that.

He was amazed when his pal remained asleep.

So paul climbed over to the wife's side of the bed....

and had a lot of fun.

When he finished... he climbed back to his own side.

It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder
and beckoned him over again.

Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.

This went on eight times during the night.

But the ninth time he pulled a hair from his pals bottom....

his friend turned around and muttered....

"Listen...Paul... old pal....

It's bad enough you sleeping with my wife.....

but for Pete's sake....

stop using my bottom as a scoreboard!".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

One day.......

two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch
having some iced tea.

One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman
to see.....

and in a long southern drawl says.....

"Look at this ring my husband gave me..... Isn't it nice?".

To which the other woman replied.....

"Oh that's nice.... that's real nice".

The first woman then says ....

"And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean
cruises".

The second woman again replied.....

"Oh that's nice.... that's real nice".

"Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things
or send you to nice places?".

"Oh".... the second woman responded.....

"When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school".

"Why'd he do that?"..... the first woman asked.

To which the second fine southern woman replied....

"Well you see... before... when someone told me about the jewellery
their husband gave them....

or the trips he sent them on....

I would have said I just don't give a S**T.....

but now I say....

that's nice..... that's real nice".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_redface

Why did God make woman last?.

He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_queen

The oldest inhabitant of Castlebar
was interviewed some years ago
and asked if he had his life to live
over again was there any major
change he'd make.

He thought about it.

"Indeed there is....Indeed there is"...

he whined.

"And what would it be?".

"Sure.... and I'd part me hair in the middle
so I would".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

The Circus elephant was dead....

and the three men sat glumly and
sad on the wagon outside his tent.

"I know the elephant is a big loss"..

said the clown....

"But why do the three of you take
it so bad?".

"We've got to dig the grave"....

came the reply.

...............................

A joke which has gone the rounds for the
past hundred years or so is a classic Irish
joke which must be retold.

Two men were waiting for the local
landlord to pass by so that they could
ventilate his hide with buckshot.

He was a long time in coming and an awful
thought occurred to Mick.

"Paddy"...he said.....

"Say a prayer that nothing's happened to
the poor man!".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_geek

............................

Then there was the keeper at the
level crossing in Co. Kilkenny....

who kept the gates half open because

he was half expecting a train.

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Affraid

...........................

Poteen is an Irish Illegal brew....

that can burn holes in steel plate.

Oisin Flaherty...after a pint of it
saw so many animals in his room
that he put a sign on his house...

"FLAHERTY'S ZOO".

The local Garda sergeant went to reason
with him and was no sooner in than he
was offered a glass of the mountain dew...
as it is called.

When he staggered out thirty minutes
later....

he raised his hand for silence.

"Ish all right men...hic......

the worst's over....

he sold me half the elephants".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Drunken_smilie

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Drunken_smilie

The Boston taxi driver....

backed into the stationary fruit stall
and in a second he had a cop beside
him.

"NAME?".

"BRENDAN O'CONNER".

"Same as mine....where are you from?".

'Co. Leitrim".

"Same as meself"......

the policeman paused with his pen in the
air.

"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and
talk about the old country.....

I just want to say something to this fella that
ran into the back of your cab".

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION - Page 15 Icon_biggrin

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