THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

An Irishman goes to the Doctor
with bottom problems....

"Doctor.. it's me ahrse.

I'd like ya ta tak a look..
if ya would".

So the doctor gets him to
drop his pants and takes
a look,

"Incredible".. he says..

"there is a $20 note lodged
up here".

Tentatively he eases the
twenty out of the man's
bottom...
and then another $20 note
appears.

"This is amazing!"....
exclaims the Doctor.

''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake take it out..
man!...
"shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the note and
another twenty appears...
and another...
and another...
and another... etc....

Finally the last note comes out
and no more appear.

"Ah Doctor, tank ya kindly...
dat's much better.

Just out of interest,...

How much was in dare then?"

The Doctor counts the pile
of cash.

"$1,980 exactly".

"Ah... dat'd be right"....
says the Irishman

I knew I wasn't feeling
two grand..".

xD

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

That was funny....

As soon as she had finished
parochial school...
a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her
shoes and made her way to New
York where before long....
she became a successful performer
in show business.

Eventually she returned to her
home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession
in the church which she had always
attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan
recognized her and began asking
her about her work.

She explained that she was an
acrobatic dancer....
and he wanted to know what
that meant.

She said she would be happy
to show him the kind of thing
she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional
and within sight of Father Sullivan....
she went into a series of cartwheels...
leaping splits....
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional....
waiting their turn....
were two middle-aged ladies.

They witnessed Lena's acrobatics
with wide eyes....
and one said to the other.

"Will you just look at the penance
Father Sullivan is givin' out this
night.......
and me without me Knickers on!".

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn’t see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren’t working. He also re- quested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn’t want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOTSIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put any- thing in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That’s why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It’s open!" To which he replied, "I know – I already got that side."
NOW DON’T YOU FEEL BETTER?

An Englishman...
an Irishman and a Scotsman
all went to The pub together.

The Englishman spent £30...
The Irishman spent £50....

and The Scotsman spent a
very pleasant evening indeed.

Mark decided to propose
to Suzie, but prior to her
acceptance, Suzie felt she
had to confess to him about
her childhood illness.

She informed Mark that she suffered
a disease that left her breasts
at the Maturity level of a 12
year old. He stated that it was
OK because he loved her soooo
much.

Mark felt this was also the
time for him to open up.
Mark looked Suzie in the eyes
and said…."I too have a problem.
My penis is the same size as an infant.

I hope you will be able to deal with
that once we are married.
She said "Yes I will marry
you and learn to live with your infant
size penis."

Suzie and Mark got married
and they could not wait for
the honeymoon. Mark whisked
Suzie off to their hotel suite
and they started holding one
another, touching…When
Suzie put her hands in Mark’s
pants she began to scream and
ran out of the room. Mark ran
after her to find out what was
wrong. She said, "You told me
your penis was the size of
an infant!" Mark said,
"Yes, it is… 7 lbs, 8 oz, 19 inches long!!"

Good joke Marine!! LOL.

The helicopter lost power while
flying over a remote Scottish
island and was forced to make
an emergency landing.

Luckily there was a small cottage
nearby.

The pilot walked over to it and
knocked on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" ...

he asked the woman who answered
the door.

She scratched her head and thought
for a few seconds.

"No".... she finally said...

pointing down the road.

"but we do have a McDougal and
a McKay".

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.
After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack’s "special emblem of devotion."

Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.

"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend
must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed.
"Mine say ‘Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay’"

-A man went into a pet shop

"I am playing Long John Silver
in the local amateur dramatic
societies version of Treasure
Island and need a parrot to
sit on my shoulder".

"I don't have any parrots at
the moment..
but you wouldn't want a real
parrot for that.
It would squawk in all the wrong
places...
and poo on your shoulder.

I suggest you use a stuffed parrot.
Just as realistic and easily
controlled.

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would
be OK "...
asks the bemused customer ...
"because I do want this performance
to be as realistic as possible".

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be
fine"...
said the pet shop owner

"I have one at home ...

I'll bring it in and if you come
back on Thursday you can have it".

“Sorry”....
said the customer....

“I can't make it on Thursday.

That's the day I'm having
my leg cut off”.

A rather attractive
woman goes up to
the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the barman,
who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she
seductively signals for
him to bring his face close
to hers. When he does so,
she begins to gently caress
his beard, which is full and
bushy. "Are you the manager?"
she asks, softly stroking his
face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me
— I need to speak to him."
She is running her hands
up beyond his beard and
into his hair.

"I’m afraid that I can’t,"
breathes the barman,
clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,"
she continues huskily,
popping a couple
of fingers into his
mouth and allowing
him to suck them
gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

One day A man was out driving
at a leisurely 30 mph...

Unexpectedly.... he was passed
by a three legged chicken.

He accelerated and passed the chicken.

Three minutes later the chicken passed
him again.

So he accelerated up to 60 mph.

But couldn't catch the chicken.

It then ran down a side road...
into a farmyard...
then disappeared.

He saw a farmer and asked if
he had seen the chicken.

The farmer said...

"Me wife.. son..and meself all
like chicken legs so we've bred
three legged chickens".

"What do they taste like?"...
asked the man.

"don't know"..
replied the farmer...

"We haven't catched one yet"

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He began kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth the half naked wife says, "Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right he hasn’t seen a woman in years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck…. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

After hearing a couple's complaints
that their intimate life wasn't what
it used to be... the sex councellor
suggests they vary their positions.

"For example"...

"You might try the wheelbarrow.

lift her legs from behind and off
you go".

The eager husband is all for
trying this new trick as soon
as they get home.

"Well okay"...
the hesitant wife agrees...
"but on two conditions.

first...
If it hurts you have to stop
right away....
and second"....
she continues...
"You have to promise me we won't
go past my parent's house".

Wee Tam went to the pub
with his great dane and
when he arrived he tied
the dug up ootside and went
in to have a pint o' bitter.

A few minutes later...
big Sandy walked in and the
following conversation ensued.


"Is that your dug ootside?".


Tam...
"Yes.. What of it?".

Sandy...

"Well..
I think my dog might'a killed it".


"What kind'a dog you got that
can kill a great dane?".

Sandy...
"Well...
a chihuahua".

"Ha!...
how can a chihuahua kill a
great dane?".



"Well..
I think the poor wee soul
might'a got stuck in his throat.

GLASGOW.

Latest news Report.

"Two taxis collided last night.

Three people were seriously injured.

The other seventeen escaped with minor injuries".

A father passing by his son's bedroom
was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was
picked up.

Then he saw an envelope..
propped up prominently on the pillow
that was addressed.

"Dad".

With the worst premonition he opened
the envelope with trembling hands and
read the letter.

Dear Dad...
It is with great regret and sorrow that
I'm writing to you.

I have eloped with my new girlfriend
because I wanted to avoid a scene
with mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with
Stacy....

and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of
her because of all her piercing..
tattoos..

tight motorcycle clothes and the
fact that she is thirty five older
than me.

But it's not only the passion...

Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter.

We share a dream of having more
children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact
that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get
better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad.

I know I am only thirteen.. but know
how to take care of myself.

Your Son lenny.

P.S.
Could you send me on my
favorite teddy....

you know the blind one.
.

Wow, Skinman! Man, this one was disturbing! That or I have too many blond streaks to get the humor?

In the meantime, WTF!?! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Wee tommy had just learned
the alphabet..

but was very scared of saying
it in front of the class.

The teacher... though...

told him the best way to conquer
his fears would be to just go
ahead and say it. So...

trembling...

in front of the class he began.

"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ".

"Very good indeed tommy.....

But you forgot the P.

Where's the P?....

"Miss"....

"It's running down my leg."

How true

mind, i did now a girl from guilford who was......... um forget it