THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.

“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Ah. That old chestnut.

*looks longingly into glass of brandy sat next to a fireplace*
************************************************************
A lawyer and The Pope are both riding in the same cab when it is crushed by an 18 wheeler.

At the pearly gates, the Lawyer is swiftly put into a fantastic room with thousands of girls and a gilded, gold bed.

The pope is moved into a 2x2 metre concrete room with a glass of water and a slice of bread.

The pope says "Hey, What gives?"
And saint Peter replies "Well, we have near 200 of you popes, but he's the first Lawyer we've ever had"

W!DOWM@K3R {KAN} wrote:

Ah. That old chestnut.

*looks longingly into glass of brandy sat next to a fireplace*
************************************************************
A lawyer and The Pope are both riding in the same cab when it is crushed by an 18 wheeler.

At the pearly gates, the Lawyer is swiftly put into a fantastic room with thousands of girls and a gilded, gold bed.

The pope is moved into a 2x2 metre concrete room with a glass of water and a slice of bread.

The pope says "Hey, What gives?"
And saint Peter replies "Well, we have near 200 of you popes, but he's the first Lawyer we've ever had"

nice one

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Good Joke L.O.W.

LOW

Three old ladies named Gertrude..
Maude and Tillie were sitting on a
park bench having a quiet
conversation when a flasher
approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies..
stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie.. being older and more
feeble.. couldn't reach that far.

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."

"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

Not the best thing to tell your better half

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand.

glasgow humour....



Scottish Guy Needs The Toilet

LMAO!!!

The testicles of a Texas midget
hurt and ached almost all the
time.

The midget went to the doctor
and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his
pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto
the examining table.. and started
to examine him.

The doc put one finger under
his left testicle and told the Midget
to turn his head and cough..

the usual method to check for
a hernia.

"Aha!"

mumbled the doc.. and as he
put his finger under the right
testicle...
he asked the midget to cough
again.

"Aha!"
said the doctor once more..
and reached for his surgical
scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on
the right side... then...

snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side.

The midget was so scared
he was afraid to look..

but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget
to walk around the examining
room to see if his testicles
still hurt.

The midget was absolutely
delighted as he walked around
and discovered his boys were
no longer aching.

The doctor said...

"How does that feel now"?.

The midget replied...

"Perfect Doc.. and I didn't
even feel it.
What did you do"?

The doctor replied....

"I cut two inches off
the top of your cowboy
boots"....

It was opening night at the
Glasgow Empire and....

"The Amazing Claude"
was topping the bill.

People came from miles
around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage..
he announced that unlike
most stage hypnotists..
who invite 2 or 3 people up
onto the stage to be put into
a trance..

he intended to hypnotize the
whole audience.

The atmosphere was electric
as he withdrew a beautiful
antique watch from his coat.

"I want you to keep your eyes
on this watch.
It is a very special watch.
It has been in my family for
six generation".

Then he began to swing the
watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch..

watch the watch..

watch the watch.....".

The crowd became mesmerized
as the watch swayed back and
forth.. light gleaming off it's
polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch..

until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotists fingers and fell to the
floor.. shattering into dozens
of pieces.

"Shit!!"... said the hypnotist...

It took five days to clean up
the theatre.

Eew! That was quite crappy!

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a State Trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

You have two choices in life...

You can stay single and
be miserable...

or get married and
wish you were dead.
...................................
When the new school year started
the history teacher was so excited
because there were three little
Indian boys in her class.

She was beside herself with
excitement.

So she asks the first little Indian boy
to stand up and tell the class what
tribe he was from and how he
knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly
throws out his chest and takes his fist
and hits it on his chest.

He says in a booming voice

"I am a Cherokee.

My Father and I walked for many
moons and one day my Father says

son.. you see all this land.

This is Cherokee land.

So.. I know I am a Cherokee".

The teacher says very good and
asks the next little Indian boy
to stand.

The little boy stands up and proudly
throws out his chest & takes his fist
and hits it on his chest.

He says in a booming voice

"I am a Comanche.

My Father and I walked for many
moons and one day my Father says

son..you see all this land.

This is Comanche land.

So... I know I am a Comanche".

The teacher is growing more
excited by the moment and asks
the last little Indian boy to stand up.

The little boy stands up and proudly
throws out his chest and takes his fist
and hits it on his chest.

He says in a booming voice

"I am a Faucarwee".

The teacher looks dumb founded
and says..

“I don’t think there is any such
tribe as the Faucarwee".

The little boy says..

“My Father and I walked for many
days and many nights..

and many nights and many days.

We ran out of water..

but we kept walking.

With no rest..
we were getting weary.

Finally..
one day my Father stops and

with his hand to shield the sun
from his eyes.. looks around.

“He said hummmm....

where the Faucarwee”.

two guys were talking in a bar.

"Well he was on his way over
to my house the other day and
when he arrived outside the
house he didn't brake properly
and boom...

He hit the pavement and the car
flips up and he crashed through
the sunroof...
Went flying through the air and
smashed through my upstairs
bedroom window".

"What a horrible way to die!".

"No no.. he survived that..
that didn't kill him at all.

So.. he's landed in my upstairs
bedroom and he's all covered
in broken glass on the floor.
Then.. he spots the big old antique
wardrobe we have in the room
and reaches up for the handle
to try to pull himself up.

He's just dragging himself up
when bang..

this massive wardrobe comes
crashing down on top of him..

crushing him and breaking most
of his bones".

"What a way to go..

that's terrible!".

"No no.. that didn't kill him
he survived that.

He managed to get the wardrobe
off him and crawls out onto the landing..

he tries to pull himself up on
the banister but under his weight..
the banister breaks and he goes
falling down on to the first floor.

In mid air..all the broken banister
poles spin and fall on him..

pinning him to the floor..

sticking right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate
way to go!".

"No no.. that didn't kill him..

he even survived that.

So he's on the downstairs landing..
just beside the kitchen.

He crawls in to the kitchen..
tries to pull himself up on the cooker..

but reached for a big pot of boiling
hot water.. whoosh..

the whole thing came down on him
and burned most of his skin off him".

"Man.. what a way to go!".

"No no.. he survived that..
he survived that !

He's lying on the ground..

covered in boiling water and
he spots the phone and tries to
pull himself up.. to call
for help..

but instead he grabs the light
switch and pulls the whole thing
off the wall and the water and
electricity didn't mix and so he
got electrocuted..

wallop, 10,000 volts
shot through him".

"Now that is one awful
way to go!".

"No no..he survived that..he ..."

"Hold on now..

"just how the hell did he die?".

"I shot him!".

"You shot him?..

What the hell did you shoot
him for?".

"He was wrecking my house".

A man is in bed with his wife when
there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock..

and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time"..
he thinks.. and rolls over.

Then.. a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?"..
says his wife.

So.. he drags himself out of bed
and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is a
man standing at the door.

It doesn't take the homeowner
Long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there".. slurs the stranger.

"Can you give me a push?"

"No.. get lost!.. It's half past three!

I was in bed!" screams the man as
he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells
his wife what happened.

She remarks.. "Dave.. that wasn't
very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and
you had to knock on that man's house
to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd
told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk"..
says the husband.

"It doesn't matter"..
explains the wife.

"He needs our help and
it would be nice to help him".

So.. the husband gets out of
bed again.. gets dressed..and
goes downstairs.

He opens the door but he can't
see the stranger anywhere in
the dark.. so he shouts..

"Hey... do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out..

"Yes.. please".

"Where are you?"
shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back..
"I'm over here.. on your swing."

My girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year..

and so we decided to get
married.

There was only one little
thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger
sister.

My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two.. wore very
tight mini-skirts.. and
generally was braless.

She would regularly bend
down when she was near
me.. and I always got more
than a pleasant view of her
private parts.
It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she
was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister
called and asked me to
come over to check the
wedding invitations.

She was alone when I
arrived..
and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and
desires for me that she
couldn't overcome.

She told me that she
wanted to make love
to me just once before
I got married and
committed my life
to her sister.

Well.. I was in total shock..
and couldn't say a word.

She said..
"I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom..and if you want
one last wild fling..
just come up and get me".

I was stunned and frozen in
shock as I watched her go
up the stairs.

When she reached the top
she pulled off her panties ! ..

and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment..

then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front
door.

I opened the door..

and headed straight towards
my car.

Lo and behold..

my entire future family was
standing outside..
all applauding.

With tears in his eyes..

my father-in-law hugged me
and said..

"We are very happy that you
have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family".

And the moral of this story is..

Always keep your
condoms in your car.

Two doctors started a practice
and put up a sign reading

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones
Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town council was not
happy with the sign..

so the doctors changed it to
"Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either..

so in an effort to satisfy the
council they changed the sign to
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go.

Next.. they tried
"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again.

Then came
"Manic Depressives
and Anal Retentives".

Still not good.

Another attempt resulted
in "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again.

So they tried

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes".
No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?".
Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?".
Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?".
Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?".
Forget it

Almost at their wit's end..
the doctors finally came
up with..

" Dr Smith and Dr. Jones..

Odds and Ends".

Which way does your
mind go?......

read this word out....

PENISINHERMOUTH.




Did you say it properly?.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"PEN IS IN HER MOUTH".

The average man's life
consists of..

Twenty years of having
his mother ask him where
he is going...

Forty years of having his
wife ask the same question.

Finally.. at the end..

the mourners wondering.. too.

An Asian man walked into
the stock exchange in London
with 2000 yen and walked
out with £72.

The following week.. he
walked in with 2000 yen
and was handed £66.

He asked the teller why he
got less money that week
than the previous week.

The teller said.. "Fluctuations".

The Asian man stormed out..
and just before slamming the door
turned around and shouted..

"And Fluc you English too!"

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations
of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the
bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the
front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered
the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to
know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

skinman {kan} wrote:

Which way does your
mind go?......

read this word out....

PENISINHERMOUTH.




Did you say it properly?.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"PEN IS IN HER MOUTH".

penisinhermouth? im sure thats a place in wales,went camping their in the 70s

OMG! I must be one in a few that said, "PEN is in her mouth" and that is surprising knowing my mind lol

Ireland's worst air disaster
occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater
Cessna plane crashed into
a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered
1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to
climb as digging continues
into the night.

A man walked into the
barber's and said..

"I'd like to have my hair
cut like Tom Cruise"...

The barber started
clipping away like crazy.

"Are you sure you know
what Tom Cruise looks
like?"..

asked the customer.

"Of course I do!"..

snapped the barber.

"I saw him twice in
The King and I".

Hospital regulations require
a wheelchair for patients
being discharged.

However..
a student nurse..

found one elderly
gentleman..

already dressed and
sitting on the bed with
a suitcase at his feet..

who insisted he didn't
need any help to leave
the hospital.

After a chat about
rules being rules..

he reluctantly let her
wheel him to the
elevator.

On the way down..
she asked him if his
wife was meeting him.

"I don't know"..
he said.

"She's still upstairs
in the bathroom
changing out of
her hospital gown".

Things I learned being from Georgia

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Georgia ..
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Georgia.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7. 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'Fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then
there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it
when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat ?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time
it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. A garden hose is called a "hose pipe".
17. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
19. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
20. You carry jumper cables in your car - -- for your OWN car.
21. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and
Ketchup.
22. The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.
23. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'
25. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin'
Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World.'
27. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew
weather.
28. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we
can drive, dag-nabbit.
30. If you understand these jokes then you know what a boiled peanut is and actually eat them.

Three men were sitting together..

bragging about how they
had given their wives duties.

The first man had married a
woman from England and
bragged that he had told his
wife she was going to do all
the dishes and house
cleaning that needed to be
done at their house.

He said that it took a couple
of days..
but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and
the dishes were all washed
and put away.

The second man had married
a woman from Ireland.

He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning. the dishes..
and the cooking.

He told them that the first day
he didn’t see any results..
but the next day it was better.

By the third day..
his house was clean..
the dishes were done..
and he had a huge
dinner on the table.

The third had married a
Glasgow girl.

He said that he told her that
her duties were to keep the
house clean.. dishes washed..
laundry washed..
and hot meals on the table
for every meal.

He said the first day he
didn’t see anything..

the second day he didn’t
see anything..

but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a
little out of his left eye..

just enough to Wash the dishes..
load the Washing Machine..
and do The shopping.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears
at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no!" said the barman, "It's not that Nun again is it?"

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears
at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no!" said the barman, "It's not that Nun again is it?"

An attorney got home late
one evening..
after a very taxing day trying
to get a stay of execution
for a client.. James Wright..

who was due to be hanged
for murder at midnight.

His last-minute plea for
clemency to the governor
had failed and he was
feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he got through
the door at home..
his wife started on him
about..

"What time of night do you
call this?..
Where have you been?"
And on and on.

Too shattered to play his
usual role in this familiar
ritual..
he poured himself a
shot of whiskey and
headed off for a long
hot soak in the bathtub..

pursued by the predictable
sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath..
the phone rang.

The wife answered and
was told that her husband's
client had been granted his
stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a day
he must have had..
she decided to go upstairs
to give him the good news.

As she opened the
bathroom door..
she was greeted by the
sight of her husband's
rear end as he was bent
over naked..
drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging
Wright tonight"..she said.

He whirled around and
screamed..

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD..
WOMAN...
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?".

A Greek and Italian were
sitting down one day
debating who had the
superior culture.

The Greek says..
"We have the Parthenon".

The Italian says..
"We have the Colosseum".

The Greek says..
"We had great Mathematicians".

The Italian says..
"We had the Roman Empire".

and so on and so on ...

and then The Greek says..
"We invented "true sex".

The Italian says..
"That is true..

but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women..."