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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Wed 27 Oct 2010, 5:13 am
The world expert....
on wasps...and the sounds they make was strolling through a wee town not too far from where you live.
He stumbled upon an old record shop that sold vinyl classics.
Flicking through the racks of LPs....
his attention was caught by an album entitled......
"WASPS OF THE WORLD....AND THE SOUNDS THEY MAKE".
Intrigued...he asked the young sales assistant if he might listen to the album.
"Certainly...sir"...said the assistant.
"Step into the booth..........put on the headphones......and I'll put the LP on for you".
So...the world expert on wasps.... and the sounds that they make stepped into the booth...put on the earphones and listened to the LP.
Five minutes later...he came out of the booth and announced....
"I am the world expert on wasps... and the sounds that they make... but I did not recognize any of those".
"I'm very sorry sir"...said the young assistant.
"If you'd like to step back into the booth..... I'll play you another track".
The world expert on wasps....and the sounds that they make re-entered the booth and put the headphones back on.
But five minutes later....he came out of the booth again...shaking his head.
"I don't understand it"...he said.
"I am the world expert on wasps...and the sounds that they make....and yet...still I am unable to recognize any of those".
"I really am sorry sir"...said the young assistant.
"Perhaps if you would like to step back into the booth....I could play you another track".
Eager to salvage his reputation....
the world expert on wasps....and the sounds that they make went back into the booth....only to emerge five minutes later in a state of considerable agitation.
"I am the world expert on wasps...and the sounds that they make...and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP".
"I really am terribly sorry"....
said the young assistant.....blushing.
"I've just realized I was playing you the Bee side".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Wed 27 Oct 2010, 5:27 am
An Inmate....
At a tough...maximum-security prison said to a new prisoner.
"I've got two tickets for the warden's ball.
do you want to buy one?".
"No thanks"...replied the newcomer.
"I can't dance".
"It's not a dance"...said the Inmate.
"It's a raffle!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Wed 27 Oct 2010, 6:54 pm
A couple....
are sitting in a bar when a man comes up to them.
"Excuse me"...he says to the couple....
"V D?".
The boyfriend jumps up and punches him in the face...knocking him to the floor.... giving him a bloody nose.
The man picks himself up...goes to the toilet to clean himself up.
A couple of minutes later he's back in the bar approaching another couple.
"Excuse me"...he says to them.....
"V D?".
The same thing happens.
Three couples and three more beatings later
he sees a bloke in the corner with a scabby face.
He goes over and says....
"V D....Mate?".
"Yeah'"...replied the bloke.
"Oh good.
You're next on the dartboard".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 28 Oct 2010, 2:13 pm
John goes to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist gives him the Rorschach test.
He shows John a circle with a dot inside it.
The psychiatrist then asks him...
"What do you see?".
John replies....
"Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room".
The psychiatrist then shows John another picture of a square with a dot inside it.
"What do you see in this one?"....asks the psychiatrist.
"Two people having sex in a square room"....replied John.
The psychiatrist shows John a third picture of a triangle with a dot in it.
"What do you see now?"
"What are you Doc......
some kind of f**king pervert?".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 30 Oct 2010, 12:59 am
An unemployed man....
sees a vacancy for a gynaecologist's assistant in the Aberdeen job centre.
So he goes up to the counter and asks for more details.
He's told that the job description involves preparation of the female patient for exam...
Including removal of her underwear.....
washing and shaving of her nether regions...
and applying oil to the shaved parts.
He is also informed that the job carries a salary of fifty thousand pounds a year...
and that he should go to London.
The unemployed man asks....
"Why...is that where the job is located?".
"NO"....came the reply.
"That is where the end of the queue is!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 30 Oct 2010, 1:30 am
A bald guy....
with a wooden leg was invited to a fancy dress party.
He was very self-conscious about his baldness and his disability and didn't quite know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg.
He decided to send an email to a fancy-dress hire company to explain his predicament.
A few days later he received a parcel with a note...
"Dear sir...
please find enclosed a pirate outfit.
the spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg...you will be perfect as a pirate".
The man was annoyed at their lack of tact and felt they had completely missed the point by emphasizing his wooden leg.
He returned the costume with a very terse letter complaining about their appallingly inappropriate advice.
A week passed and he received another parcel and a note which read....
"Dear sir...
We are very sorry.
please find enclosed a monk's habit.
the long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now the man was really annoyed and upset because they have added insult to injury by making a feature of his baldness.
This time he wrote the company a very rude letter of complaint.
The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read...
"Dear sir...
Please find enclosed a tin of treacle.
pour the tin of treacle over your bald head....
stick your wooden leg up your bottom....
and go as a toffee apple".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 30 Oct 2010, 12:37 pm
What's the worst thing a mother can say to her child?.
I should have swallowed you when I had the chance.
................................
What's the difference between love...true love....
and showing off?.
Spitting...Swallowing....and gargling.
...............................
A man was in bed with his new Thai bride.
After a couple of hours of fantastic...steamy sex...
she spent the next hour stroking his bobby...while he enjoyed a smoke.
"That's nice"...he says.
"Why do you like doing that?".
She replies....
"Because I really miss mine".
..................................
What is long and hard...and a polish bride gets it on her wedding night?.
A new surname. .....................................
The pope falls seriously ill and all the cardinals are very worried.
they get the best doctors in Vatican city...but nothing helps.
Eventually one of the cardinals says....
"There is only one doctor that we haven't tried....
he is the best in all Italy".
So...the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the pope.
The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says...
"I have good news and some bad news...
the holy father has cancer of the testicles....but the good news is he can be cured...all he needs to do is take this drug and have sex with a woman".
The cardinals recoil in shock.
Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the holy father and therefore must remain celibate.
Unfortunately...there is no other way...so one of the cardinals approaches the pope and explains the situation.
"Holy Father...you have a terrible cancer and will die unless you have sex with a woman".
The pope ponders this for a moment...then declares....
"OK...I'll do it...but on three conditions".
"OK"...says the cardinal.
"What are the conditions?".
"One...the woman must be blind...so she will never know who she made love with".
"Okay... your holiness...what next?".
"Two...the woman must be dumb...so if she ever realizes who she made love to...she will not be able to tell".
"Certainly...your holiness.
and the third condition?".
"She has to have big tits".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 01 Nov 2010, 10:05 pm
A man....
is at the barber's having his hair trimmed by Italian Tony.
He mentions to Tony that he's shortly going on holiday to Italy with the wife.
"MY HOMELAND!"...says Tony.
"Whereabouts you going?".
"We are going to ROME".
"ROME?...why would anyone want to go to Rome?
It's nasty and overcrowded and dirty.
you're crazy to want to go to Rome.
go to my home town...Palermo.
So...how are you going to get there?".
"We're taking Alitalia...I got a good rate".
"Alitalia?"...exclaims the barber.
"YOu fu**ing crazy?...that's a terrible airline.
Their planes are dirty...their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late.
So...where are you staying in Rome?".
"We'll be at this exclusive little place near the river Tiber...It's called the hotel ROMA".
"Don't go any further.
I know the place...It's a terrible tourist trap.
everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive.
but it's a sh*t hole.
stay somewhere else.
so...what you gonna do in Rome?".
"We're going to go see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope".
"Don't make me laugh!"...snorts the barber.
"Sure...you'll see him.
you and a million other people.
he'll look the size of an ant".
Six weeks later...the man returns for another trim.
Tony asks him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful...not only were we on time in one of Alitalia's brand new planes...but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class.
the food and wine were fantastic and the cabin crew waited on us hand and foot.
and the hotel was amazing.
they'd just finished a big refurbishing job and they upgraded us to a suite for free.
then we went to see the Vatican....we were really lucky because as we were walking around....a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors....and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait....the Pope would personally greet me.
sure enough...five minutes later...the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!...I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me".
"I don't believe it!....what'd he say?".
"He said.....
Tell me my son....Who fu**ed up your hair?".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Tue 02 Nov 2010, 3:35 pm
Joseph....
wakes up in hospital...swathed in bandages from head to foot.
"Hello"....
said the doctor standing next to his bed.
"I see you've regained consciousness.
now you probably won't remember.... but I'm afraid you were in a terrible pile up on the M1 motorway.
You're going to be okay...you'll walk again...
but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can.
Your Bobby was lost in the wreckage and we were unable to find it".
Joseph groans but the doctor continues.
"We've checked your insurance and you've actually got nine thousand pounds compensation coming to you.
and the good news is that we have the technology now to reconstruct your Bobby and it will work just as well as your old one...better in fact.
Unfortunately...it doesn't come cheap.
It will cost you one thousand pounds an inch".
Joseph brightened up a bit at this news.
the doctor goes on....
"It's your decision.
you need to decide how many inches you want.
but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
If you had a five inch dong previously....and you decide to go for a nine incher now....she might be a bit put out.
on the other hand...if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in five inches now....she might be a bit disappointed.
so it is very important that you consult with her to help you make the correct decision".
The doctor returned the next day and asked Joseph...
"Have you spoken with your wife?".
"I have doctor".
"And has she helped you to make a decision?".
"Yes....she has".
"And what is the decision?"....enquires the doctor.
Joseph replied....
"We're having a new kitchen!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Tue 02 Nov 2010, 3:45 pm
The Queen....
and Prince Philip were dining out in one of London's finest restaurants.
The waiter comes over and asks Philip what he'd like to order.
"I'll have two rare steaks".
The waiter says....
"Does sir mean two bloody steaks?".
Philip replies....
"Yes...quite right...two bloody steaks".
To which the Queen adds.....
"And make sure there are plenty of Fu**ing chips".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Wed 03 Nov 2010, 2:52 pm
A businessman went to Las Vagas for the weekend to play poker.
he lost his shirt off his back and had nothing left but the second half of his round trip ticket.
He left the casino and found a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised that he would send the money from home....but to no avail.
"Sorry Pal"...the cabbie said.
"If you don't have fifteen bucks....get the Flak out of my cab!".
The businessman was forced to hitch a lift to the airport and fortunately was able to catch his flight with seconds to spare.
A couple of years later the same businessman returned to Vagas.
This time his luck was in and he won a fortune.
Feeling pretty good with himself....he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
At the end of a long line of cabs...he suddenly recognized the driver who had refused him a ride when he was on harder times.
He thought for a moment...then got into the first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport?"...he asked.
"Fifteen Dollars"....came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"...he added.
"Get out of my Flaking cab!"...snarled the driver.
The businessman got into the back of the second cab and repeated the question.......with similar results.
he went to every cabbie in the long line with the same question.
Eventually...he reached his old friend at the back of the line...and got in his cab.
"How much for a ride to the airport?".....
The cabbie replied.....
"Fifteen Bucks".
The businessman replied..."OKAY"...and off they went.
As they drove past the long line of cabs....
the businessman gave a huge smile.......
and a thumbs-up sign to all the other cab drivers.
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 04 Nov 2010, 11:30 pm
A man in his sixties....
Joined an online dating agency and began a correspondence with a woman of similar age.
Eventually he suggested that they should meet and decided to be completely honest with her from the outset.
He wrote....
"I admit I am no oil painting.
my entire face is covered in vivid red boils and I have a deep scar running across my forehead.
I am four feet eleven inches tall....
completely bald.
I only have one eye...my left shoulder is six inches lower than my right...and I walk with a pronounced limp.
I could meet you in the market square outside the bookshop at noon on Saturday".
She wrote back....
"I am not concerned about your appearance and am looking forward to meeting you on Saturday.
Could you please carry a copy of THE TIMES newspaper....
so that I will recognize you".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Fri 05 Nov 2010, 1:04 pm
At the height of the troubles in Northern Ireland...
A ten pm. curfew was imposed in Belfast.
Everyone had to be off the streets by that time...or risk being shot.
Then one night...a man was gunned down at nine forty five.
The British army conducted an immediate inquiry...and the soldier involved was brought before his commanding officer.
The officer began....
"Why did you shoot that man at nine forty five when the curfew did not begin until ten?".
"I knew where he lived"...replied the soldier.
"He'd never have made it".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 06 Nov 2010, 9:27 am
Joe....
went to the doctor and said....
"I feel like killing my wife.
She's a redhead and she's driving me crazy.
Please help me".
The doctor thought for a moment and said....
"Look... here are some pills.
Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to make love to your wife six times a day.
If you do this for thirty days...she'll eventually die from all your lovemaking....and the autopsy will simply show that she died of heart failure during sex".
"Thanks doctor"...said Joe excitedly grabbing the bottle of pills.
"I'll start right away".
Almost a month later...the doctor saw Joe coming down the street in a wheelchair.
His face was haggard and gaunt....
He looked to have aged about twenty years and he could hardly move his body.
"What happened?"...asked the doctor.
"And what happened to your redheaded wife?".
"Don't worry Doc"...wheezed Joe struggling foe breath.
"Two more days...and she'll be dead!".
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Subject: Math tests for schools. Sun 07 Nov 2010, 11:34 am
Math test for state schools. ........................................
Please enter your name.
Nickname.
Gang name.
1). Leroy has 0.5 kilos of cocaine.
If he sells an eight ball to Kevin for three hundred pounds and one hundred grammes to Wayne for one hundred pounds.
what is the street value of the rest of his stash?.
2). The bad blood gang have seventy two convictions between them.
The crazy hoods have one hundred and twenty.
Express the crazy hood's criminal superiority as a percentage.
3). Jules got nine years for murder.
He also got seven hundred and fifty thousand for the hit.
If his common law wife spends sixty thousand pounds a year.
How much will he have left when he gets out two thirds of the way through his sentence?.
4). Damon pimps four bitches.
If the price is fifty pounds a go.
How many tricks a day must each bitch perform to support damon's four hundred pounds a day coke habit?.
5). Liam steals Jordan's skateboard.
As Liam skates away at a speed of thirty five MPH....
Jordan loads his brother's double barrelled shotgun.
If it takes Jordan twenty seconds to load the gun.
How far will Liam have travelled before he is taken out?.
Maths tests for private schools. ...........................................
1). Ben smashes up his old man's car...
causing X amount of damage and killing three people.
Ben's father uses his influence with the police Inspector to intervene in the court system....
forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y.
The difference between X and Y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people.
What kind of car is Ben driving now?.
2). If Verity throws up four times a day for a week...
She can fit into a size eight Versace.
If she throws up three times a day for two weeks...
She has to make do with a size ten Dolce & Gabbana.
Which is her better option?.
3). Hermione wants a boob job but Daddy will only pay one third of the five thousand pounds price.
Given that Hermione earns five hundred pounds a week as a soft porn model.
How long will it be before Daddy's little princess gets her 36Ds?.
4). Jeremy is being blackmailed by a rent boy for forty five per cent of Jeremy's annual earnings as a banker.
As Jeremy earns eighty thousand pounds...
( without bonuses ).
How much will he have to cough up to keep out of the papers?.
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 07 Nov 2010, 4:18 pm
A little boy....
says to his dad one day....
"Dad...where does Poo come from?".
The father is a little taken aback that his five year old son is already asking difficult questions and thinks for a while how best to respond.
"Well...you know how we just ate breakfast?".
"Yes"....answers the boy.
"Well...when you put food in your mouth you chew and swallow.
The food then gets smaller and smaller and goes down in your oesophagus...a long tube that goes down into your tummy.
Your tummy then mixes up the food with liquid... the digestive juices produced by your tummy.
The digestive juices help to break down the food so the body can process it properly.
Then the food comes out of your tummy and goes into your small intestine.
The walls of your small intestine are filled with little hairs...or fingers that stick out...called Villi.
The Villi take the nutrients from the food into the entire body.
After it leaves the small intestine...it travels into the large intestine.
The only stuff that's left over when it goes into the large intestine is waste.
The waste then comes out of your bottom when you go to the loo...
And that is Poo".
The little boy stares at his Dad in stunned silence for a few seconds....then asks.....
"Well...what about Tigger?".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 08 Nov 2010, 3:18 pm
A mother ....
Is cleaning her son's room when she finds an S & M magazine under the bed.
Upset....she shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?"....his wife asks.
"What do you think we should do?".
"I'm really not sure"...the father replies.
"But It's probably not a good idea to spank him".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 08 Nov 2010, 4:12 pm
Carl walked into a bar....
And saw Ray sitting there with a huge smile on his face.
"What are you so pleased about?"...asked Carl.
"Well...Carl...I gotta tell you.....
Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat....just waxin' my boat...and this gorgeous redhead came up to me......
Breasts out to here....Carl......Breasts out to here!.
She said.....
"Can I have a ride in your boat?".
I said.....
"Sure ...you can have a ride in my boat.....
So I took her way out ....Carl.
I turned off the key and said...
"It's either sex or swim!".
"She couldn't swim...Carl...she couldn't swim!".
Two days later...Carl walked into the bar and saw Ray sitting there with an even bigger smile on his face.
"What are you so happy about today?"...he asked.
"Well...Carl...I gotta tell you.........
Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat....just waxin' my boat...and this heavenly blonde came up to me.
Breasts out to here....Carl....breasts out to here!
she said.....
"Can I have a ride in your boat?".
I said....
"Sure you can have a ride in my boat".
So I took her way out...Carl...way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and said.....
"It's either sex or swim!".
She couldn't swim ....Carl...she couldn't swim!.
Three days later...Carl walked into the bar and saw Carl crying over his beer.
"What are you so sad for?"....he asked.
"Well....Carl....I gotta tell you........
Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat....just waxin' my boat...and this stunning brunette came up to me.
Breasts out to here ....Carl....breasts out to here.
She said.....
"Can I have a ride in your boat?".
I said....
"Sure...you can have a ride in my boat".
So I took her way out...Carl...way way out much further than the last two.
I turned off the key....looked at her breasts and said....
"It's either sex or swim!".
She pulled down her pants and....she had a dong...Carl!...
she had this great big dong.....
And I can't swim!...Carl...I can't swim!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Tue 09 Nov 2010, 2:51 pm
A middle aged woman....
spotted a cute young man working in her local supermarket.
When she reached the checkout.....
she asked whether someone could carry her shopping to her car and was delighted to see the manager nominate the young man for the task.
Once outside in the car park....she whispered suggestively....
"Young man...I have an itchy Fanny".
He replied.....
"Well....you'll have to point it out to me madam.
All Japanese cars look the same to me".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Tue 09 Nov 2010, 3:32 pm
An undertaker....
Explained to a widow that it was impossible to fit her late husband's body into the coffin because rigor mortis had set in and left him with an erection.
As a result...he couldn't close the lid.
"I could order a bigger coffin"....suggested the undertaker.
"But it will cost you an extra £500 pounds".
"No...that's too expensive"....sighed the widow.
I simply can't afford that".
"Well...I suppose there is one other possible solution"...said the undertaker hesitantly.
"I could cut off his Bobby".
"No...No"....said the widow.
"I want all of him there when we bury him".
"I understand that"...said the undertaker....
"But I could remove his Bobby and inset it in his bottom.
That way he would be complete".
After thinking over the proposition for a few minutes....the widow agreed.
"Ok"...she said....
"But I want to see his body immediately before the funeral".
The undertaker and a surgeon went about the business...then laid the body out as arranged for the day of the funeral.
The corpse was made up immaculately and his Bobby was neatly inserted in his Bottom.
As the mourners began to gather...the widow went to the coffin to pay her last respects.
Saying her private goodbyes....she noticed that a tear had trickled out of his eye and smudged his make up.
Leaning over...she whispered....
"Hurts...doesn't it....you Bas**rd!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Fri 12 Nov 2010, 7:33 pm
Every day at work....
A man sidled up to a woman....
took a deep breath....
and told her that her hair smelt nice.
After a week of this....
the woman reported him to her boss for sexual harassment.
The boss was mystified.
"What's wrong with someone telling you that your hair smells nice?".
The woman replied....
"He's a midget!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Fri 12 Nov 2010, 7:46 pm
When Bob couldn't get a dance....
His pal decided to tell him the truth.
"It's the smell from your socks"...he said.
"They're really stinking....
Go home and change them...
then you should have no trouble".
So Bob went home...
but when he returned about an hour later...
he still had no luck getting a girl to dance with him.
"Did you change your socks?...asked his pal.
"Of course I did"...said Bob....
Pulling the socks from his jacket pocket.
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Fri 12 Nov 2010, 8:00 pm
Egbert was sitting in a bar....
when a complete stranger walked up to him and said....
"If you woke up in the woods...
scratched your bottom....
and found Vaseline all over it....
would you tell anyone?".
Egbert looked at him in amazement and said...
"Hell...No!".
"If you felt further in your pants"...continued the stranger...
"And pulled out a used Condom....
Would you tell anyone.... then?".
"Your damned right I wouldn't!"...spluttered Egbert.
"well then"....said the stranger....
"Wanna go Camping?".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 13 Nov 2010, 2:47 pm
Little Tommy....
Was watching television in his room one evening and decided to go downstairs to ask his mum and dad about something he'd just heard.
"Dad"...said Tommy.
"What's love juice?".
Mum and Dad are horrified.
Eventually...dad finishes choking on his tea and decides to bite the bullet.
"Well ...son...I guess one day you will need to find out anyway...so here goes".
He gulps then continues....
"One day you will meet a girl who you like and you will become very excited and your private will become very hard.
You might want to touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel damp.
This is her love juice coming out of her private part.
It just means she is ready for sexual Intercourse".
Tommy just sits there with his mouth wide open in astonishment.
Dad finishes the talk and asks....
"So...now son... you can tell me what it is you've been watching that you shouldn't have".
Tommy replies....
"WIMBLEDON".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 13 Nov 2010, 2:58 pm
An old man...
was asleep in his chair one afternoon when he was awoken by the sound of the doorbell.
He shuffled to the door and when he opened it...he saw a beautiful young woman standing there.
"Oh...dear!"...she said.
"I'm at the wrong house".
"SWEETHEART...You're at the right house".. the old man assured her.
"But your forty years too late!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 14 Nov 2010, 11:27 am
Keith....
Asks his girlfriend Karen to marry him and she says yes but on one condition..
That he buys her a solid gold boy scout knife.
He asks around...he looks on the Internet
he tries everywhere....
but he can't find a solid gold boy scout knife anywhere.
But because he is really keen to marry Karen he goes to a jeweller's and asks them to make one specially.
He is told it will be very expensive...
but he tells them to go ahead anyway.
When it is ready...he presents it to Karen..
Who then agrees to marry him.
"So...why on earth did you want a solid gold boy scout knife?"...asks Keith.
"What are you going to do with it?".
"I'm going to put it away somewhere safe...
then...when I'm old and grey and wrinkled...
With half my teeth missing and my boobs sagging....
And no man will look at me twice...
I'll get it out.
Because a boy scout will do almost anything for a solid gold pocket knife".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 14 Nov 2010, 11:45 am
A half dressed Scottish couple...
Were fondling each other on the couch while watching television.
"Look at them homosexuals"....complained the man.
They're ruining the sanctity o' marriage.
We should go to San Francisco and show those damned perverts that marriage means one man one woman..
is that not right...ma wee darlin'?".
The woman replied...
"That's right...Daddy".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 14 Nov 2010, 12:04 pm
Two women got chatting in the street.
One said....
"I've had a terrible time of it lately...Maureen.
my sister Joan committed suicide last month...
because she had run up terrible debts on her credit card".
"Oh'...I'm sorry to hear that...Helen"...said the other.
"A friend of mine was very depressed....too.
he owed a thousand pounds to a loan shark...
and his family were going to be thrown out into the street the following day.
He was so distraught he drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there...his head resting on the steering wheel.
But all the nice people there had a whip round and they got him his one thousand pounds.
It was a good job his bus was full that day".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 14 Nov 2010, 8:18 pm
Jake ....
is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks....
"Have you got the time?".
Jake sighs... puts down the suitcases and turns around.
After glancing at his wrist he says....
"it's about two minutes past s"....
"Hey... that's a pretty fancy watch!".... Interrupts the stranger.
Jake brightens a little.
"Yeah... it's not bad.... Check this out".
Jake shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says...
"The time is seven fifteen".... in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues...
"I've put in regional accents for each city.
The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch...
and the voice is simply astounding ... smooth and perfectly audible...
without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch".
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all"... says Jake.
He pushes a few more buttons ... it has more than a dozen ...
and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"If we were outside"... Jake says apologetically.
"It could show you where we were by satellite positioning....
but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area.
View recede ten"... he says to the watch...and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"It responds to voice?!"... gasps the stranger...
Jake nods enthusiastically.
"But I haven't got it all programmed yet .....
most of the functions are still button-activated".
"I want to buy that watch!"... says the stranger.
"Oh...no.. it's not ready for sale yet... I'm still working out the bugs"... says the inventor.
"But look at this"....
and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner....
a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes...
a pager with thermal paper printout and... most impressive of all
to the now drooling listener...
has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books.
"though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far"... says Jake.
He starts up... "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein.
Although the stranger has never heard of it... he can still hear those amazing un..tinny voices coming out of the normal sized watch on Jake's wrist.
"I've got to have that watch!"... he says.
"No.. you don't understand.. it's not ready".
"I'll give you $1000 for it!".
"Oh... no.. I've already spent more than"....
"I'll give you $5000 for it!".
"But it's just not"....
"I'll give you $15 000 for it!".
The stranger pulls out a check book.
"I've just... got... to have that watch!"
"But"...... Jake stops to think.
He's only put about $8500 into materials and development...
and with $15 000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year.
$15000?...Hmmm'".
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
"Here it is... ready to hand to you right here and now".
Jake... abruptly makes his decision.
"Ok"... he says... and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange... the check for the watch....
and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey... wait a minute"... calls Jake after the stranger....
who turns around warily.
Jake indicates to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't you want the batteries?".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 15 Nov 2010, 6:12 pm
Prince Charles....
Was visiting STOKE ON TRENT and all the civic dignitaries were lined up at STOKE station ready for the royal train to arrive.
As the train came to a standstill the door to the royal carriage opened and out stepped the prince
who appeared to be wearing a piece of red carpet on his head.
Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a genuine fox fur hat.
The lord mayor of STOKE ON TRENT stepped forward and whispered in the prince's ear.....
"Sir...It is one of the hottest days of the year.
I know your views about hunting and all that....
but It's hardly politically correct....Is it?.
I mean....wearing a fox fur hat on a hot day?".
"Oh'.... this old thing"....Charles indicated his hat....
"This was Daddy's idea".
"Daddy's Idea?"...said the lord mayor incredulously.
"You mean the DUKE OF EDINBURGH told you to wear it?".
"Oh' yes".....replied Charles....
"You see...he asked me where I was off to today....
and when I told him I was going to STOKE ON TRENT....
He said....
"STOKE ON TRENT?......WEAR THE FOX HAT!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 21 Nov 2010, 4:54 am
An old lady....
In a nursing home was trundling up and down the corridor on her Zimmer frame.....
when an elderly retired policeman jumped out in front of her.
"You do realize you were speeding just then?.
Could I have your driving licence?"...he says.
She hands over her library card.
He studies it carefully and hands it back with a raffle ticket.
"Here's a speeding ticket"...the old man tells her.
"Be on your way...and drive more slowly this time".
A couple of hours later...
the same old woman is going down the very same corridor when the ex-policeman once again jumps out in front of her.
"That U-turn you did just then was Illegal....
can I see your driving licence?".
Once again she hands over her library card....
He checks it and sends her on her way.
Several minutes pass and she is coming back up the corridor.
The Ex-policeman jumps out from his room stark naked....nursing a wrinkly erection.
"Oh No"...cries the old lady.
"Not the breathalyser again!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 21 Nov 2010, 5:16 am
A married couple....
Are shopping in the local supermarket when the husband picks up a crate of beer and sticks it in their trolley.
"What are you doing?"...asks the wife.
"They're on special offer"...he replies.
"Put them back...we can't afford it!"... Insists the wife....
and they carry on shopping.
A couple of aisles later...she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.
"How come I have to give up stuff and you don't?"....he complains.
She countered....
"The make up is so I can look good for you".
"NO"...he replied.....
"That's what the Fu**ing beer is for".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 22 Nov 2010, 6:28 am
Three men....
Are abducted by cannibals and thrown into a hut to await their fate.
The chief tells them that they will be dealt with on a one per day basis.
The first day...one man is dragged out and presented with a choice.
"Death...or Jojo"...says the chief.
The man has no idea what Jojo is.....
But at least it can't be worse than death....
so he accepts Jojo.
Immediately...he is strapped naked to a tree face first and one by one the cannibals all have sex with him.
Torn and bleeding...he is thrown back into the hut.
He pleads to his companions....
"Don't accept Jojo... accept death!".
The second man is dragged out the next day and presented with the same choice.
With his partner's condition still fresh in his mind...
he is very afraid...but thinks that at least the guy survived.
so.... he also opts for Jojo.
The cannibals have sex with him again and again then he is thrown back into the hut looking twice as bad as the first guy.
The third guy is scared out of his wits.
When asked what his choice is on the third day....
he immediately selects death.
The chief nods and passes the sentence....
"DEATH BY JOJO".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 22 Nov 2010, 6:56 am
A worrying new study....
has linked women's alcohol consumption with breast cancer....
suggesting that women who get drunk regularly are more likely to suffer from the disease.
The effects of this may be counterbalanced
however...by the fact that drunk women are likely to get their tits felt by a wide variety of blokes....
and some of them could be doctors.
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 25 Nov 2010, 2:37 pm
Three ladies....
Are on a plane trip together when the captain announces....
"Please prepare for a crash landing.
the first lady puts on all her jewellery.
Surprised by this..the other two question her about it.
"Well...when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first".
The second lady...not wanting to be left behind Immediately takes off her blouse and bra.
"Why are you doing that?"...the other ladies ask.
"Well...when they come to rescue us they will see my great boobs and will rescue me first".
The third lady...an African American.....doesn't want to be outdone.
She takes off her skirt and panties.
"Why are you doing that?"...the other ladies ask.
The third lady replied....
"They always search for the black box first!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 25 Nov 2010, 9:33 pm
A man goes to visit his eighty five year old grandfather in the hospital.
"How are you today...grandpa?"...he asks.
"Feeling fine"...says the old man.
"What's the food like?".
"Terrific...Wonderful menus".
"And the nursing care?".
"Just couldn't be better.
these young nurses are very kind and take great care of me".
"What about sleeping?...do you sleep okay?".
"No problem at all...nine hours solid every night.
at ten o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate
and a Viagra tablet...and that's it.
I go out like a light".
The grandson is puzzled by this last part....so he goes down the hall to question the nurse in charge.
"My grandfather tells me you're giving him Viagra every night.
What on earth are you doing giving an eighty five year old Viagra on a daily basis?".
"Oh...yes...replies the nurse.
"Every night we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.
The chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 25 Nov 2010, 10:09 pm
It's the spring of 1957....
and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hep guy with his own car.
The girl's father answers the door and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet...so why don't you have a seat?"...he says.
"That's cool"...says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do...and he replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a Movie.
Why don't you two go out and screw?.. I hear all the kids are doing it".
"Um...excuse me...sir...I thought you said that we should go out and screw".
"Yeah...Carrie really likes to screw....she'll screw all night if we let her!".
Well....this just makes Bobby's eyes light up...
and his plans for the evening take a radically different turn.
A few minutes later..... Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About twenty minutes later...Carrie rushes back into the house...slams the door behind her...and screams to her father....
"Darn it...Daddy!....It's called the TWIST!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 27 Nov 2010, 8:30 am
Two women ....
were standing at a funeral.
"I blame myself for his death".... said the wife.
"Why?"...said her friend.
The wife replied......
"Cos I shot him".
....................................
"You never cry out when you have an orgasm".... said the husband.
are swimming along and one is starting to get tired.
He asks his mate......
"How far do you think it is to the UTERUS?......
I'm getting pretty tired!".
His mate says.....
"I'm not sure...but I think it must still be a long way.....
We've only just passed the OESOPHAGUS!".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 28 Nov 2010, 3:04 pm
One Bright and sunny afternoon.....
PINOCCHIO and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and little wooden boys do.
As they were having a cuddle....later..
PINOCCHIO could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend.
So...he asked her..."What's the matter....Baby?".
PINOCCHIO'S girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied....
"You're probably the best guy I've ever met....
but every time we make love you give me splinters".
PINOCCHIO ...upset greatly by her remarks decided that the very next day he would go and seek advice from his creator....GEPETTO.
When PINOCCHIO arrived...GEPETTO could tell something was bothering his little wooden friend...
and asked him what was the matter.
PINOCCHIO revealed his dilemma... GEPETTO searched high and low for a solution.
Eventually...he suggested that sandpaper might be able to
'SMOOTH' out PINOCCHIO'S relationship with his girlfriend.
PINOCCHIO thanked GEPETTO and went on his way.
GEPETTO didn't hear from PINOCCHIO for a while...so assumed that the sandpaper had solved PINOCCHIO'S problems.
Months later...GEPETTO was in town having some of his blades sharpened in the hardware store when he spotted PINOCCHIO buying up all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock.
"SO PINOCCHIO....things must be going pretty damn good with the girls".
PINOCCHIO looked at GEPETTO with a big grin on his face and said....
"GIRLS?.....WHO NEEDS GIRLS?".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 29 Nov 2010, 1:58 pm
Stanislaw stands in line for hours at the WARSAW meat store during the last days of COMMUNISM.
When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left....the old man flies into a rage.
"What is this?"...he shouts.
"I fought against the Nazis....
I worked hard all my life.....
I've been a loyal citizen.....
and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat?.....
this rotten system stinks!".
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs....
"Take it easy comrade.
remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago"...
and he points an imaginary finger to his head and pulls the trigger.
The old man goes home....
and his wife says.....
"SO...they're out of meat again?".
"It's worse than that"...replies Stanislaw.
"They're out of bullets".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Wed 01 Dec 2010, 4:29 pm
The Pope was taking a shower.
Although very strict about the celibacy rules....
he occasionally felt the need to exercise his right wrist....
and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he spotted a photographer snapping a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hang on a minute".... said the Pope.
"You can't do that.
You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church".
"This picture is my lottery win".... shouted the photographer.
"Now I'll be financially secure for life".
The Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer...
and after negotiation...
they eventually arrived at a figure of seven thousand pounds.
The Pope then dried himself off....
and headed downstairs with the camera.
He met his housekeeper... who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera".... she said.
"how much did it cost you?".
"seven thousand pounds".... replied the Pope.
seven thousand pounds....thought the housekeeper.
someone's seen him coming!.
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 04 Dec 2010, 11:56 am
The Duke of Edinburgh is speeding through Devon with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road... the chauffeur....
( who is distracted... looking out the window at sheep...who wouldn't be )
doesn’t see a pig walk out onto the road... and he hits it with the car.
Stopping the car... he jumps out... and Prince Philip also gets out to see what is going on.
The chauffeur... very distressed by what he’s done asks Philip what they should do... and philip tells him impatiently that he's in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and get to the address and worry about the pig later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur...
who is a fairly good hearted person (despite his employer) is worried about the family who owned the pig and wonders how they’ll react to discovering the dead pig.... so when they arrive he asks philip whether he shouldn’t drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.
The Duke agrees before hurrying to the podium....
and the Chauffeur hurries back towards the farm.
Seven hours later the Chauffeur comes stumbling down the road...
his arms full of fruit and home made pastries and his breath smelling of liquor.
Philip.... in a massive rage demands to know what happened to him.
the chauffeur explains....
" I went to the farm where I killed the pig.
When I knocked on the door and gave them the news....
they gave me all this fruit and cakes....
then they gave me the best ale I’ve ever tasted....
and let me have my way with their beautiful nubile young daughter...
and then sent me on my way.... after all of them hugged me".
Philip seemed confused by this and asked his chauffeur...
"well.... what exactly did you tell them?".
The chauffeur replied.....
"I really can’t understand it either..... all I did was tell them......
"I’m the Duke of Edinburgh's Chauffeur.... and I killed the pig".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 06 Dec 2010, 5:42 am
It was a bright sunny morning in the Forest and the Bear family were just waking up.
Baby Bear comes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his tiny little bowl.
It is empty!.
"Who's been eating my porridge".... he squeaked?.
Daddy Bear arrived at the table and sat in his big daddy chair.
He looked into his big daddy bear bowl... and it is also empty!.
"Who's been eating my porridge!"... he roared?.
Mammy Bear put her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yelled ....
"For F**k's sake.......
how many times do I have to go through this?".
"It was Mammy Bear who got up first...
who woke everybody else in the house ......
who made the Coffee".
"It was Mammy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night....
and put everything away".
"It was 'Mammy Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper....
who set the table..... who put the cat out.... cleaned the litter box and
filled the cat's water and food dish....And....
now that you've all decided to come downstairs and grace Mammy Bear with your presence...
listen good....cause I'm only going to say this one more time...
"I haven't made the F**KiN' porridge yet".
skinman {kan} Member
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 12 Dec 2010, 2:53 pm
The barman was washing up glasses...
when an elderly Irishman came in.
With great difficulty.... the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over a bar stool....
pulled himself up painfully..... and asked for a half of Irish whisky.
The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said....
"Is that Jesus down there?".
The barman nodded.
So.. the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whisky as well.
The next customer to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back... who moved very slowly.
He shuffled up to a bar stool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He looked down to the end of the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The barman nodded.
So.... the Italian said.....
" Give him a glass of Chianti as well".
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scotsman....
who swaggered up to the bar and yelled....
"Barman... gis us a lager...pal.
Hey!!.... is that no God's Boy doon at the end O' the bar?".
The barman nodded.
So... the Scot told him to give Jesus a lager as well.
When Jesus got up to leave.
he walked over to the Irishman... touched him on the forehead and said....
"For your kindness.... you are healed!".
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg...
got up and danced a jig right out of the door.
Jesus then went up and touched the Italian on his forehead and said....
"For your kindness....you are healed!".
The Italian felt his back straighten....
he raised his hands above his head and did cartwheels out of the door.
Jesus finally walked over towards the Scotsman.
the Scotsman jumped back and screamed....
"Don't you dare f**kin touch me!....
I'm on Social Disability benefit!".
What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut?.
One's thick and hairy...
and the other's a coconut.
skinman {kan} Member
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Fri 17 Dec 2010, 1:27 pm
An elderly couple.....
Had been courting for nearly seven years and finally decided it was time they got married.
But first they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to work in order to avoid any misunderstandings or disappointments.
SO...over dinner they had a long conversation about their future.
They discussed finances...living arrangements..
and all manner of things that affected them both.
The old man took written notes of every point they covered.
Finally he thought he should mention the physical side of the relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?"......
he asked tentatively....pencil in hand.
"Well"....replied the old lady.....
Choosing her words carefully.
"I'd have to say....
I would like it infrequently".
The old man Inquired....
"Is that one word or two?".
skinman {kan} Member
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 18 Dec 2010, 12:06 pm
A man was walking through the park...
When he came across an old lamp.
He rubbed it...and the Genie that appeared granted him three wishes.
"To be honest"...said the man...
"I can't think of anything I really need.
I have all I want in life".
The Genie tried to prompt him.
"How about a million pounds?....
everyone could do with more money".
"Not me"...said the man.
I lead a relatively simple life".
"What about a fast car?"...said the genie.
I could get you a top of the range Ferrari with a click of my fingers".
"I don't drive"...said the man.
"How about sex?"...suggested the Genie.
"How many times do you make love in a week?".
"Once or twice"...replied the man.
"There you go!"...said the Genie.
I can make your sex life much more active".
"Well....OK"....said the man Indifferently.
But I thought once or twice a week was pretty good for a priest in a town this small".
skinman {kan} Member
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Tue 21 Dec 2010, 4:41 am
A young man and his girlfriend....
were sitting in his apartment one evening when he turned to her and said.....
"I think it's time we named the day".
She immediately screamed with excitement...
threw her arms around him....
Kissed him passionately on the mouth....
Jumped up and down...and....before he could say another word....
Phoned her Mum and her best friend.
When she came off the phone....
Still bubbling over with joy....he said.
"SORRY...I worded that badly.....I meant....
Call It a day".
skinman {kan} Member
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Tue 21 Dec 2010, 3:03 pm
The Irish maid....
Picked up the phone and muttered something before slamming it down.
"Who was that Mary?"....asked the Mistress.
"I'm expecting a trunk call".
"Only some mad idiot...Madam.
He said it was a long distance from California.
I said I know".
skinman {kan} Member
Number of posts : 3169 Age : 76 City/Country : over here : Clan Member
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Tue 21 Dec 2010, 3:10 pm
Flanagan....
had won a great deal of money and bought himself a piano.
About a week later Burke saw him pushing it on a hand cart along the street.
"What's this...Flanagan!.....
Are you taking it back?".
"Not a bit of it"....said Flanagan.
"I'm going for me first lesson".
skinman {kan} Member
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Fav MP game : left 4 dead.
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:29 am
The oldest inhabitant Of Dublin.....
was interviewed some years ago and asked if he had his life to live over again was there any major change he'd make.
He thought about it.
"Indeed there is......Indeed there is"..... he whined.
"And what would that be?"....he was asked.
"Sure and I'd part me hair in the middle so I would".
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Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION
Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION 
