THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my d**k, s**t in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

"More Things You Will Never Hear a Man Say"

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mofo.

2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Her t**s are just too big.

5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

6. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.

7. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.

8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.

9. F**k "Monday Night Football," let's watch Melrose Place.

10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

11. It's late, put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.

12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you, you go on ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.

18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. I know my butt's too big.

19. It's okay, I'll sleep in the wet spot.

20. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.

21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

22. Your mother's coming to stay with us again? Great!

23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.

24. No way, you weeded the garden last week, it's my turn.

25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.

26. I understand.

27. This movie has too much nudity.

28. Damn, we're late for church.

29. No. I don't want to see your sister's t**s.

30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

31. Oversized T-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.

32. Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

"One of Us"

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

Mono!! You naughty boy!!!

A Blonde on Vacation in Cajun Country"

The blonde went into a shoe store to buy a pair of alligator shoes. After trying them on, she asked about the price. Learning that the shoes were very expensive, she decided she would go out into the bayou and get her own alligator shoes.

Later that afternoon, the shopkeeper was on his way home, going through the bayou, when he noticed the same blonde with a 12-guage shotgun. She was dragging a 12-foot alligator onto the bank, where she stacked it near a large pile of alligators. As she turned the gator over, he heard her shout, "Damn,this one isn't wearing shoes either."

"There's a Fly in My Guinness!"

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and became stuck in the thick heads.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking as if nothing had happened. The Irishman also picked the fly out of his drink. He held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you bastard!"

"This Is the Captain Speaking"

A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, "Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We'll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight." Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his copilot, yawned, and said, "Why don't you take over for a while? I'm going to take me a big healthy s**t, and then I'm gonna f**k the brains outta that pretty blonde flight attendant working in coach."

His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant in coach heard this and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and started running towards the cockpit.

An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, "Relax honey, he's gotta take a s**t first."

"Son-in-Law"

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty- five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea.

"I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don’t have enough money even for knickers!"

Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the English wife’s husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife’s husband noticed, he gave her his credit card.

The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still in rags.

The other two demanded to know what had happened.

"Well," said the Scottish wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn’t wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!"

"That's not my husband"

Three women are walking along the road when they see a man stumbling along, obviously highly inebriated. He falls over fast first into the mud on the side of the road.

They rush over and drag him out, but his face is so covered in mud and filth that they can't indentify him.

The first woman leans down and pulls down his fly and says, "He's not my husband."

The second woman leans over and says, "You're right, he's definately not your husband."

The third woman, who is somewhat older than the other two, leans over and exclaims, "Why, he's not even from this village!"

14 Rules for women and men:

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules can change without notice.

3. Males can’t know the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules,
she must immediately change some of the rules.

5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding which was a direct result of something
that the male did or said which was wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind.

9. The male must never change his mind without the consent
of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants
him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must never let the male know whether or not
she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.

14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.

LMAO Marine! You just posted my biography :)

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:

LMAO Marine! You just posted my biography :)

PIerre the French Fighter Pilot
was holding his girlfriend Marie
in an amorous embrace.

Suddenly...he pulls away from
her and pours red wine over
her lips.

"Pierre...Pierre...what are you
doing?"...she demands.

"I am Pierre the French Fighter
Pilot and before I taste red meat..
I must taste red wine"...he replies.

As things get saucier...Pierre ripped
off Marie's blouse and pours white
wine over her breasts.

"Pierre...Pierre..what are you doing?"
demands Marie again.

"I am Pierre the French Fighter
Pilot and before I taste white meat..
I must taste white wine"...he replies.

As things got even steamier...Marie
was begging Pierre to go down
on her.

He ripped off her panties...
poured Brandy between her legs
and lit It.

"Pierre...Pierre...what are you
doing?"...screamed Marie.

"I am Pierre the French Fighter
Pilot"..said Pierre.

"And when I go down....

I go down in flames!".

They set up the greatest whorehouse
in the world.

On the ground floor are the French
beauties.

On the first floor are the Swedish
nymphettes.

On the second floor are the African
Amazons...

and on the third floor
is the whore of whores.

The first customer is this big stud.

He pays his money and goes in.

Half an hour later they go to find him.

The French beauties are all exhausted
and the guy is crawling up the stairs to
the Swedish Nymphettes.

The next customer is an even bigger
stud..who pays his money and goes in.

After half an hour...they find him
halfway up the stairs..heading towards
the African Amazons...gasping for air.

The third customer is the biggest man
mountain in the world.

He slaps his money on the table and
struts in.

Half an hour later they find him
scratching at the door of the Whore
of whores...on his last legs.

The next bloke to come in is a little
geezer with glasses.

After they've stopped laughing they
take his money..and give him five
minutes before going to find him.

On the ground floor the French
beauties are packing their bags
and leaving.

The Swedish Nymphettes on the
first floor are aching all over...

the African Amazons are hanging
out of the window for air...

and they find the Whore of
Whores cowering in a corner
of her room.

"My God"...says the madam...

"Where's the little geezer?"

"He's out on the balcony"...

Whispers the Whore of Whores...

"Having a wank!".

"A day in hell"

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

"One Wish"

Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Pat stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To their amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Pat blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Mike looked disgustedly at Pat whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension- filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Pat! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

"Cosmetic Surgery"

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my a$$hole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that
says, "Cow For Sale…$5000"

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There’s no cow in the world worth
five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at
this." He lifts the cow’s tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch
just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It’s just
not fair. Here’s this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman
and it’s worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a
cow, and you’re not worth sh*t."

One dismal rainy night
A taxi driver spots an
arm waving from the
shadows of an alley
halfway down the
block.

Even before he rolls
to A stop at the curb..

A figure leaps into the
cab and slams the door.

Checking his rearview
mirror as he pulls away..

The driver is startled to
see a dripping wet...
naked woman sitting in
the back seat.

"Where to?"....
he stammers.

"The Train Station"
answers the woman.

"You got It"....
He says...taking another
long look in the mirror.

The woman catches him
in the act and asks.....

"Just what the hell are you
looking at...driver?".

"We'll...Ma'am...I notice
that you're not wearing any
clothes...and I was just
wondering how you'll pay
your fare".

At that the woman spread
her legs wide open and says...

"Does this answer your question?".

Still looking in the mirror.... the
Cabbie asks...

"Got anything smaller?".

All I can say is LMAO

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job.

One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.

Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

And the moral to this story is:

"Guys get in trouble over missed periods."

A couple are on holiday in
Pakistan.

They are touring around
the marketplace looking
at the goods when they
pass a small sandal shop.

From inside they hear a
local gentleman say....

"You..out there.
Foreigners!... come into my
humble shop".

So the couple walk in and
the shopkeeper says....

"I have some special sandals
I think you will be Interested
in.
They have a special power.
They make you wild at sex...

like the great desert camel".

Well...the wife is really
Interested in buying the
sandals but her husband
feels he really doesn't need
them...
being the sex god that
he is.

The husband asks the man...

"How can sandals improve my
abilities?".

"Just try dem on....Saheeb.

The sandals will prove themselves
to you".

After much badgering from his wife.
the man agrees to try them on.

As soon as he slips the sandals
onto his feet....
he gets a wild look in his eyes....

something his wife hasn't seen
in many years.....
raw sexual power!.

In the blink of an eye....
the husband grabs the Pakistani
man....

Bends him violently over a table..

Yanks down the man's pants and
then his own....
and grabs firm hold of the other
man's thighs.

The Pakistani man screams.....

"WAIT!...YOU HAVE DEM ON DE
WRONG FEET!".

Why don't women blink
during foreplay?.

They don't have time.

Why does it take one
million sperm to fertilize
one egg?.

They won't stop for
directions.

Why did God put men
on earth?.

Because a vibrator can't
mow the lawn.

Why don't women have
men's brains?.

Because they don't have
penises to put them in.

I think u want the war skinman
----------------------------------------------
A blonde walks into Best Buy looking for a television. The salesman walks up to her and tells her that the store does not serve blondes. The next day the blonde walks back into Best Buy with a red wig and asks if she could buy the television, but the salesman says to her again, "We don’t serve blondes."

Disappointed, the blonde takes off her wig and asks the salesman how he knew she was a blonde. The salesman replies, "Because this is a microwave."

War? ....what ever do you mean
Marine...just fill your hands with
joke books....and it's fifty paces
then...type

How was colonel Saunders
a typical male?.

All he cared about were
legs..breasts..and thighs.

skinman {kan} wrote:

War? ....what ever do you mean
Marine...just fill your hands with
joke books....and it's fifty paces
then...type

yeah im only joking skinman

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that’s amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

monica lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners and tells the owner that she has another dress for him to clean.

The owner, who is an old man and hard of hearing, leans over and says, "Come again?"

Monica says, "No, this time it's mustard."

A man walks into a sailor's bar, and immediately upon entrance he notices an unusual character. At the bar sits a man with a wooden leg, hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

The man sists down next to him and after a while, turns and says, "If you don't mind my asking, how did you lose your leg?"

The sailor says, "Arr, I was sailing the high seas and we were raided by pirates off the coast of Barbados, and a canonball took me leg off."

The man then asks how he lost his hand.

"I was caught in a storm on the high seas, and went overboard, and right before I was rescued, a shark bit me hand off."

Finally the man asks how he lost his eye.

The sailor sits for a few minutes quietly and then says, "A seagull shat in me eye."

The man bursts out laughing. "You lost your eye from seagull crap? How is that even possible."

To which the sailor replies, "It was the first day I had me hook."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother.

Three young men are traveling across the countryside, and realize it is going to be dark before they reach an inn. COming upon a famer's house, they knock and ask if they might spend the night.

The farmer says yes, but informs them that he has a beautiful young daughter, and if he finds out any of them have their way with her, he will shoot them on the spot. The young men agree and go to their respective rooms for the night.

In the morning, the farmer calls all three young men into the kitchen and tells them, "I installed a trap in my daughter's snatch. Anything entering it is severed. I'm going to check if your hands are clean now by checking the states of your manhood."

He tells the first young man to pulls his pants down. Upon discovering that the man's dick has been cut off, he shoots him in the face.

The second young man lowers his trousers. Again, his dick is cut off, so the farmer shoots him.

The third young man drops his shorts, and the farmer is astonished to see that everything is intact. He congratulates the young man, and asks if he would consider courting his daughter, for a man that can resist such temptation is a rare individual.

The young man replies, "Ungg wuhhh lnghh ahhhhh"

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name’s Chuck&#133 —" and the farmer shot him

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It
seems there’s yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?"

If they're in the backwoods of Arkansas, and their name is Stewart, why do they have scottish accents?

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ‘’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’

The husband says, ‘’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ‘’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says ‘’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.‘’
The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’

The wife’s face goes blank. ‘’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’

Personally, I would shoot the husband on site!

PS, Guys, remember, we women are crafty and possess great knowledge on how to torture men. Would benefit you to remember that :)

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:

Personally, I would shoot the husband on site!

PS, Guys, remember, we women are crafty and possess great knowledge on how to torture men. Would benefit you to remember that :)

You dont want shoot me, right?

Mrs. Andrews named her cat Love because it was so affectionate.

One day, when Love failed to return home, Mrs. Andrews went out to look for her lost cat.

Since she was wearing nothing but a bathrobe, a police officer stopped her and asked, "What are you doing?" Mrs. Andrews replied, "I was out here looking for Love".

The police officer arrested her on the spot.

A wee Scotsman in
the bar the other night told
the barmaid....

"I dreamed about you last
night".

"Did you?"....
she answered .

"No....
you wouldn't let me" ....
he laughed.

......................

Wee Jamie went to the optician's
to get his Glasses fixed as they
were bent out of shape.

"How did this happen?"....
asked the optician
in a chatty way.

"My wife sat on them".....
replied Jamie who then added....

"I wouldn't have minded so much....
but I was wearing them at the time."

A blonde went to go get her haircut wearing pair of headphones. The hairdresser tried to get her to take them off, but the blonde protested.

"You can’t take those away from me — I’ll die without them!"

The hairdresser sighed, and tried to explain how difficult it would be to cut her hair with them on, but the blonde wouldn’t budge. So she began cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde feel asleep, and the hairdresser figured she could remove the headphones for a few minutes. But shortly thereafter, the blonde collapsed, dead on the floor. The hairdresser, confused, picked up the headphones, which were repeating "Breathe In, Breathe Out."