SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.

Happy Thoughts of the day....

I started out with nothing...
I still have most of it.

Funny.. I don't remember
being absent minded.

If all is not lost..
where is it?

It is easier to get older
than wiser.

The first rule of holes..
If you are in one..
stop digging.

It was all so different
before everything
changed.

Nostalgia isn't what
it used to be.

It's hard to make a
comeback when you
haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive..
but it does include a free
trip round the sun...

When you are older.....

No one expects you to
run into a burning building.
.....
People call at 9 PM and ask..
"Did I wake you?"
.....
There is nothing left to
learn the hard way.
.....
Things you buy now
won't wear out.
.....
You can live without
sex but not without
glasses.
.....
You enjoy hearing about
other peoples operation
.....
You have a party and the
neighbours don't even
realise it.
.....
You sing along with
elevator music.
.....
Your friend's secrets are
safe because you can't
remember them.
.....
Your supply of brain cells
is finally down to a
manageable size.

OMG!!! Very good!

this made me grin

Today's Notable Quote(s): “If I would have known that I was going to live so long, I would have taken much better care of myself.” - Mickey Mantle

UNIVERSITIES are holding open
days for school students At
Strathclyde University.

An honours history undergraduate
was chatting to pupils interested
in studying the subject.

To see what fields might interest
them.. he announced..

"Ask me a question about history
that you've always wondered about."

Those who have concerns about the
education of school pupils.. and who
fear that they simply look up stuff on
Wikipedia rather than actually learn
anything.. will be as saddened and
shocked as the undergraduate was
when a Glasgow schoolgirl piped up..

"What was Hitler's last name?"


.............................

GOOGLE is to launch a controversial
new service that lets people see the
exact location of their friends and
family by tracking their mobile
phone.

Once a user has downloaded
Google Latitude.. to their mobile
device they can choose whether
or not they want friends to be
able to locate them..using
GPS and other location services.

The technology..
unveiled yesterday by the
Internet giants... Is a massive
threat to personal privacy.

Latitude... could be a gift to
stalkers.. prying employers..
jealous partners and obsessive
friends.

The dangers to a user’s privacy
and security are as limitless as
the imagination of those who
would abuse this technology

skinman {kan} wrote:

The dangers to a user’s privacy
and security are as limitless as
the imagination of those who
would abuse this technology

No doubt a tool that would come in handy for MyLF while he's stalking his next victim!

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:

skinman {kan} wrote:

The dangers to a user’s privacy
and security are as limitless as
the imagination of those who
would abuse this technology

No doubt a tool that would come in handy for MyLF while he's stalking his next victim!

dam it winter,i am taking notes.
so far im a cross dressing wood sprite that likes to take my clothes off and run across the pitch at big sporting occasions,and an obsessive voyeur who likes to stalk women.
shit!!!..did you know me in the 80s?

my little friend wrote:

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:

skinman {kan} wrote:

The dangers to a user’s privacy
and security are as limitless as
the imagination of those who
would abuse this technology

No doubt a tool that would come in handy for MyLF while he's stalking his next victim!

dam it winter,i am taking notes.
so far im a cross dressing wood sprite that likes to take my clothes off and run across the pitch at big sporting occasions,and an obsessive voyeur who likes to stalk women.
shit!!!..did you know me in the 80s?

MyLF,
I laughed so hard reading this!! You just made my day!

An ex.. police officer has
been jailed after being caught
with one of the worst child
porn collections ever
recovered in the UK.

He was given an extended
three-year sentence after
a sheriff viewed the images
and videos he had stored
on his computer.

He was sacked as a police
officer after he was convicted
of exposing himself to a young
girl.

He was jailed for one year
and had a two-year extended
sentence added after the court
viewed a sample of the material

The screams of abused children
echoed around the court as
scenes of torture..rape and
animal abuse on youngsters
as young as three were
played.

People who engage in child
pornography..
provide the market for an
evil trade and I'm sure you
will agree they should be
given far stiffer sentences
than are presently given.

Skinman,
Regarding the police officer that was arrested - there is not enough battery acid in the world to torture a scumbag like him. When I hear stories like these, it makes my blood boil. Heaven help the person who ever goes on trial for something like this, and I am on the jury!

LoW

A lorry loaded with thousands
of copies of Roget's Thesaurus
crashed as it left a publishing
house.

witnesses were found..

stunned.. startled.. aghast..
taken aback.. stupefied..
confused.. punchy.. shocked..
rattled.. paralyzed.. dazed..
bewildered.. mixed up..
surprised.. awed..
dumbfounded.. nonplussed..
flabbergasted.. astounded..
amazed.. confounded..
boggled.. overwhelmed..
horrified.. numbed..
and perplexed.

skinman {kan} wrote:

A lorry loaded with thousands
of copies of Roget's Thesaurus
crashed as it left a publishing
house.

witnesses were found..

stunned.. startled.. aghast..
taken aback.. stupefied..
confused.. punchy.. shocked..
rattled.. paralyzed.. dazed..
bewildered.. mixed up..
surprised.. awed..
dumbfounded.. nonplussed..
flabbergasted.. astounded..
amazed.. confounded..
boggled.. overwhelmed..
horrified.. numbed..
and perplexed.

OMG! I am seriously LMAO!!! Very good!

A CAMPAIGN has been launched
urging the Duke of Sutherland
to donate the proceeds from
the sale of Titian’s Diana And
Actaeon to families affected
by the Highland clearances

During the clearances.. overseen
by Egerton’s ancestor the first
Duke of Sutherland..more than
3000 families were burnt out or
evicted from their homes.

The episode is still regarded as
one of the most shameful in
Scottish history.

the duke.. who owns 28 renaissance
masterpieces which have hung in
the National Gallery of Scotland in
Edinburgh for 60 years.. announced
he was selling Italian master
Titian’s Diana And Actaeon to
rebalance his family’s assets.


The National Galleries of Scotland
and the National Gallery in London
announced earlier this month that
they had raised enough funds to
meet the 69-year-old father-of
two’s £50 million asking price.

the Scottish Government has
pledged £12.5 million of public
money towards it.

It is extraordinary that he is
being paid £50 million after
holding the nation to ransom.

The duke owes his position
of wealth and privilege to the
bloodthirsty antics of
his ancestor.

He is already one of the
richest men in the country
and should give the proceeds
from the sale
back to the nation.

I think It's a disgrace.

If you have a lively
three-year-old child
in the house right now..
pity the scientists at
Manchester University.

A robot which can crawl
and move and learn just
like a toddler was unveiled
at the university this week.

It can already play the
drums.. crawl on all fours
and sit up.

Now the hope is that it will
be able to learn more and
more about its own bodily
skills.. and how to communicate
and interact with the world.

Perhaps one day it might even
be able to throw its toys from
the pram.
Or even better ...keep you
on the edge
of sanity with its wants.

A survey by a recruitment
company of the worst things
said at a job interview by
aspiring employees includes
in its top 10...Asking..

"Do you mind if we do this
outside so that I can have
a fag?"

Mentioning that your CV
would have been stronger..

but you didn't feel like
making anything else up.

Qualifying your greatest
achievement with...

"Of course I was totally
hammered at the time."
----------------------------------
A local government committee
has produced a report calling
on government ministers to use
"clear.. jargon-free language"
in order to improve public
understanding.

Brilliant!.

They spoiled it all by adding

"The committee recommends
that the Scottish Government
should publish.. in future.. an
assessment matrix of candidate
national developments against
the national development
criteria.
--------------------------------
A guy was asked by his
girlfriend to name all
the females he'd slept
with...

his mistake was not
stopping when he got
to hers.

I read with Interest yesterday
that a GOVERNMENT adviser
exposed as a cross-dressing
male hooker has left his job.

The Childcare expert was due
to face disciplinary action
from his bosses at
Glasgow University.

His sordid double life Included
dressing in a denim mini..
purple stockings and
wearing red lipstick.

He advertised his seedy
services on an adult website
and described himself as

"dirty by name..dirty by nature".


He worked as a research fellow
in the university's Public Health
and Health Policy Department
and was based in the Faculty
of Medicine.

There seems to be more
and more of this type
being highlighted in the
media lately.....

All I can say is....

Who are these people?.

skinman {kan} wrote:

I read with Interest yesterday
that a GOVERNMENT adviser
exposed as a cross-dressing
male hooker has left his job.


All I can say is....

Who are these people?.

(raises hand) I know! I know! His name starts with an "M" and ends with an YLF :)

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:

skinman {kan} wrote:

I read with Interest yesterday
that a GOVERNMENT adviser
exposed as a cross-dressing
male hooker has left his job.


All I can say is....

Who are these people?.

(raises hand) I know! I know! His name starts with an "M" and ends with an YLF :)

(raises both hands)...no no NO!..this is so unfair,i have never worked for the government

I recall my first time with a
condom.. I was 16 or so.

I went into a chemist to buy
a package of condoms.

There was a beautiful woman
behind the counter...
and she could see that I
was new at it.

She handed me the package
and asked... if I knew how to
wear one.

I honestly answered...

"No".

So she unwrapped the package..
took one out and slipped it over
her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure
it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused.

So...she looked all around the
store.

It was empty.

She said...

"Just a minute"...

and walked to the door... and
locked it.

Taking my hand.. she led me into
the back room.. unbuttoned her
blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid
it aside.

She asked..

"Do these excite you?"

Well! .. I was so dumbstruck
that all I could do was nod
my head.

She then said.. it was time to
slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on.. she
dropped her skirt.. removed
her panties and laid down
on a desk.

"Well.. come on".. she insisted..

"we don't have much time".

So I climbed on her.

It was so wonderful that
unfortunately.. I could no longer
hold back and pow.. I was done
within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown....

"Did you put that condom on"?

I replied..

"I sure did"..

and held up my
thumb to show her.

would be good if you could try before you buy

my little friend wrote:

would be good if you could try before you buy

With your luck, MyLF, she would have given you the ones she poked tiny holes in with a needle.

i can say with absolute confidence that my condom would not have a little prick in it!!!

Hur hur. I gets that joke!

hey skin,y does this thong on my avitar really make my arse look big




but u have to admitt my name fits

sorry I didn't even
notice that....
was too busy looking
at the bush.....

There is a new study just
released by the
Psychiatric Association
about women and how
they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty
interesting.....

5% of women surveyed
feel their ass is too big.

10% of women surveyed
feel their ass is too small.

The remaining 85% say
they don't care....

they love him.....

He's a good man...

and they would have
married him anyway!.

I read with Interest
yesterday that there
is a professional
rugby league player
in Australia named
Matt Hilder...
who plays for the
Newcastle Knights.

Inevitably...
his nickname
is Waltzing.

.............


when a visiting French
couple were puzzled by
a guy in a bar describing
someone as being

"a penny short of a shilling".

they asked for
elucidation..

the speaker patiently explained
to them that the person he was
referring to was

"a slice aff a loaf".

Glad he cleared that up then.

......................
"DO you know"...

asked the youth in
the bar the other night...

"why a man's heart beats
faster and he goes weak
at the knees when he sees
a woman in a leather dress?".

When heads around him
were shaken....
he added...

"It's because she smells
like a new golf bag."

skinman {kan} wrote:

sorry I didn't even
notice that....
was too busy looking
at the bush.....

bush!! (sits bolt upright) oh yes i see

I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's licence
to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman I was very sorry..

but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said..

"Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said..

'That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me"...

and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home..

I excitedly told my wife about
my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said...

"you should have dropped
your pants.

You might have gotten
disability, too".

And then the fight started.
.....................

My wife and I were sitting
at a table at our local pub..
and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asked...

"Do you know her?"

"Yes"...

I sighed.. she's my old
girlfriend.

I understand she took to
drinking right after we
split up those many years
ago..

and I hear she hasn't been
sober since".

"My God!"
says my wife..

"who would think a person
could celebrate so long?"

And then the fight started...
..............................

My wife sat down on the couch
next to me as I was
flipping channels.

She asked..

"What's that on the TV?"

I said...

"Dust".

It was then the fight started..

Marriage is great
don't you think!!!!

Glasgow is a matriarchal community
in which the marauding male is happiest
in a brotherhood which ultimately defers
to the female in her distinct and
fundamental domain.

that means that women rule the roost.

But looking back.. It was even more
prominent.

If you were a man in the nineteen
fifties and wanted a new cap you
came in the door of a shop and
still keeping your hand on the handle..

you said..

A bunnet..

and somebody gave you one and
put it on your head.

You said.. Aye.. that's fine..

and gave your one shilling or
whatever it was..

and got out the door as quickly
as possible.

They were terrifying days.

It was totally embarrassing.

Nothing was ever bought by
a workman except that.

The wife bought the semmit
and drawers.. socks..

the wife bought everything
else for you.

Men would rather be hung by
their old testaments..
than be seen carrying
shopping or worse still...
be caught dead pushing a
baby buggy.

To be seen doing that made
you a big sissy.

Came the women's liberation army..
also gave men a sort of emancipation.

It seems quite normal now to see a
man pushing a pram on his own..

with bags of nappies..baby milk..

and a wee bag with his amber
nectar on his arm.

how times have changed...
from the so called
good old days.

two blondes... one holding
some well-used brushes..
and the second sporting a
delicate gold chain round
her neck.

They both look beautiful
and the fact that only one
of them Is human seems
to prove that dogs end up
looking like their owners.

when people pick a pet..
they seek one that at some
level..
resembles them ..
And the more a dog and
his master live together...
the more alike they seem
to become.

My dog looks a bit
like me..
strong..well groomed..
intelligent..with just A
touch of insanity round
the eyes.

I wonder If {kan}
members have a dog
what is the resemblance.

Are there a few growlers out there?.

Wee sammy was in his local
talking to his pal...

"THE council wants to ban
pitbull terriers from the
streets...
but they're having problems
identifying which dogs are
pitbulls"...

"I don't see what the problem
is"... he added.

"If they've got short legs..
square shoulders and an
aggressive temperament ...

then the dog with them is
probably a pitbull."

Let me for a moment share with you all my thoughts on HACKERS. Twice we've been attacked and it makes me wonder, what type of person would take precious time out of their life, to do something so idiotic. So I have come up with a psychological profile of our hacker.

1.) Dateless 20-30 year old, pimple-faced geek.
2.) Lacks gainful employment
3.) Lives in his mother's basement
4.) Watches Happy Days reruns and knows Potsy's lines verbatim.
5.) Once took his cousin on a date because his sister was unavailable.
6.) Has no life to speak up. Is aggressive on the internet, but cowers in real life when approached.
7.) Is not dangerous, just about as annoying as snow on a television screen.

If you spot this loser, approach with laughter. There is no danger there.

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:

Let me for a moment share with you all my thoughts on HACKERS. Twice we've been attacked and it makes me wonder, what type of person would take precious time out of their life, to do something so idiotic. So I have come up with a psychological profile of our hacker.

1.) Dateless 20-30 year old, pimple-faced geek.
2.) Lacks gainful employment
3.) Lives in his mother's basement
4.) Watches Happy Days reruns and knows Potsy's lines verbatim.
5.) Once took his cousin on a date because his sister was unavailable.
6.) Has no life to speak up. Is aggressive on the internet, but cowers in real life when approached.
7.) Is not dangerous, just about as annoying as snow on a television screen.

If you spot this loser, approach with laughter. There is no danger there.

you tell em lady,however i like happy days and come to think of it ive taken my cousin for a date as welll... shit!!!...no hang on i havnt got a sister..pwew

All the organs of the body
were having a meeting..

trying to decide who was
the one in charge.

"I should be in charge"..
said the brain..

"because I run all the
body's systems..
so without me nothing
would happen".

"I should be in charge"...
said the blood..

"because I circulate
oxygen all over so
without me you'd
all waste away".

"I should be in charge"..
said the stomach"..

because I process food
and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge"..
said the legs..

"because I carry the
body wherever it needs
to go."

"I should be in charge"..
said the eyes..

"because I allow the
body to see where it goes".

"I should be in charge"..
said the rectum..

"Because I'm responsible
for waste removal"..

All the other body parts
laughed at the rectum
and insulted him..
so in a huff..
he shut down tight.

Within a few days..
the brain had a terrible
headache..

the stomach was bloated..

the legs got wobbly..

the eyes got watery..

and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that
the rectum should be
the boss.

The Moral of this story?...

The one in charge is
usually an asshole!!.

Is spelling Important.....

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of
the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig
to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy..

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are..

the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be in
the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses
and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn

mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by istlef.. but the wrod as
a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?...

and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt.

A Mata Hari gang which
has been robbing elderly
men after luring them
with the promise of
sexual favours is being
hunted by detectives.

The gang of women have
been preying on men in
pubs before going home
with them and stealing
cash and goods.

The women..
believed to be in their
20s and 30s.. have been
befriending vulnerable
men.. mainly pensioners..
who have been out drinking
in pubs in the city centre.....

must remember to go
back to their place.
...........
A Scots pessimist is
a man who feels badly
when he feels good for
fear he'll feel worse
when he feels better.

When was the last time
a person held a door
open for you?...

When was the last time
you were given a seat
on the bus?...

Please and thank you
seem to be words of
the past.

people out there do
not seem to have
the time to practice
basic manners....

Alas I think this is dying
with our generation...

Is this the last to
have manners?...

Manners are not dead
but the are certainly
in decline...

Our Culture is evolving
and whilst there are some
well mannered souls still
out there they are vastly
outnumbered by the
(me first) culture.

Oh..well that's the way
of things I suppose...

And if you don't like
what I've just said..
you can lump It..O'k..

I agree Skinman, that manners have gone out the window. Even at a restaurant, the servers act as if they are doing you a favor and never say, "Thank you" or "Have a nice day." I mean, how hard is that?

What a simple thing to do and perhaps make someone's day. We are a rude society. And do not get me started on the lack of manners and total disrespect for elders! If I ever spoke to an elder the way I hear some kids speaking today, my mother or father would make me eat my teeth! Especially my mother (who by the way could turn a slipper into a boomerang! and knock out all 4 girls with one throw).

A good living christian
received a letter from
his local church suggesting
that members be more
generous in their donations.

He thought they could have
put it better when he read..

"We must ask our members
for additional contributions..
so up yours."

...............
two sheriffs who realised they
both faced court appearances
for speeding..

so they arranged to appear
before each other.

The first sheriff pled guilty
and was admonished by
his peer.

However..
when the second sheriff
pled guilty..

he was fined £120 and
had three points added
to his licence.

"But you were admonished"..
said the angry sheriff.

"I know".. said his colleague..

"but this was the second case
of excessive speeding
heard today..

and I am determined
to stamp it out".

......................
Government ministers are
planning to record details
of all our e-mails..
phone calls..
and the websites we visit..

The proposal..
also to record all data
associated with social networking
applications (such as Facebook..
Myspace.. and Bebo)
in the proposed central database.

The government wants a
permanent record of all our
random chatter and the
messages we exchange
with friends and family.

Ministers seem hell-bent
on putting an end to
free social interaction.

You are being Watched
by big brother....

I read with a heavy heart to-day
about The plight of the parents
of a seriously ill baby.

Doctors will stop treating their
son today after they lost their
final bid to overturn a ruling
giving hospital staff the power
to allow him to die.

Two Court of Appeal judges
refused them permission to
challenge a ruling which gave
the hospital treating the
nine-month-old boy..
the right to stop medical
treatment keeping him alive.

The parents said they
understood that their baby's
treatment would now be
withdrawn today and said..

"We plan to enjoy what little
time we have left with our son".

The little boy has a rare
metabolic disorder and has
suffered brain damage and
major respiratory failure.

His parents said...

only one other child with their
son's condition had been
identified by modern medicine
and added..
"We are all in unknown
territory".......


What a horrible
predicament.....
for all concerned.

An eccentric philosophy professor
gave a one question final exam.

The class was already seated
and ready to go when the prof.
picked up his chair..
plopped it on his desk..
and wrote on the board..

"Using everything we have
learned this term..
prove that this chair does
not exist".

Fingers flew..
erasers erased..
blue books were filled in
furious fashion.

Some students wrote over
30 pages in one hour
attempting to refute the
existence of the chair.

One member of the class
however..
was up and finished in less
than a minute.

Weeks later when the
grades were posted..
the rest of the group
wondered how he could
have gotten an A when
he had barely written
anything at all.

What did he write..

"What chair?".

Heaven is a place where
the police are English..
the chefs are Italian..
the car mechanics are
German..
the lovers are French..
and it's all organized
by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where
the police are German..
the chefs are English..
the car mechanics are
French..
the lovers are Swiss..
and it's all organized
by the Italians.

Doh xD

skinman {kan} wrote:

Heaven is a place where
the police are English..
the chefs are Italian..
the car mechanics are
German..
the lovers are French..
and it's all organized
by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where
the police are German..
the chefs are English..
the car mechanics are
French..
the lovers are Swiss..
and it's all organized
by the Italians.

and your pizza are delivered scottish style