scottish humour

Three old ladies were sitting side by side
in their retirement home... reminiscing.

The first old lady recalled shopping at the
green grocers...

and demonstrated with her hands the length
and thickness of a cucumber she could buy
for a penny.

The second old lady nodded....

adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper....

then demonstrated with her hands the size
of two big onions she could buy for a penny.

The third old lady finally chipped in with....

"I can't hear a word you're saying.....

but I remember the guy you're talking about".

Wee Joseph.....

lost a contact lens while playing football in his back
garden.

After a fruitless search....

he told his mammy...

the lens was na where to be found.



Undaunted.....

she went outside and in a few minutes returned with
the lens in her hand.


"How did ye manage to find it.... Maw?"....

Joseph asked.


"We wisnae looking fur the same thing"....
she replied.



“You wis looking fur a small piece o' plastic. ...


I wus looking fur £25 pounds".

Burglers recently broke into the grounds
of the scotland football team and stole
the entire contents of their trophy room.

Police are looking for two men....

carrying a blue and white carpet.

Wee Sammy....

A football goalkeeper....

Was walking along the street one day
when he heard screams from a nearby
building.

He looked up to see smoke billowing
from a fourth floor tenament building
and a woman leaning out holding a
baby.


"Help!....Help!....screamed the woman.

"I need someone to catch my baby!".


A crowd of onlookers had gathered...

but none were confident about catching
a baby dropped from such a great height.

Then wee sammy stepped forward....

"I'm a professional goalkeeper!"....

He shouted up to the woman.

"I'm renowned for my safe hands....

drop the baby and I will catch it....

for me....it will be just like catching a
ball".



The woman agreed.



"Okay!...when I drop my baby....

treat it as if you were catching a ball".



On a count of three....

the woman dropped the baby.



Everyone held their breath as wee sammy
lined himself up to catch it.

there was a huge sigh of relief....

followed by wild cheering as he caught the
baby safely in his arms.


Then he bounced it twice on the ground....

and kicked it fifty yards down the street!.

It had been a terrible season for
Glasgow Rangers....

and one of their fans was so depressed
that he dressed up in his full Rangers
strip and threw himself into the river
clyde.

When the police retrieved his body....

they removed the strip and replaced
it with stockings and suspenders.

the police told the coroner that they
did this....

In order to avoid embarrassing the
family.

The greyhound was a grave disappointment
to everyone in springburn and they all lost
a fortune on him.

"There's only one thing that will improve that
dog...Sammy"....said his long life drinking pal.

"Put some lead in his left ear".

"Sure...and how would I do that ?"...asked Sammy.

"With a shotgun"...came the reply.

The little boy.....

had been sitting close to the confession box
for a long time before father Murphy noticed
him.

"Have you been listening to confessions all
evening?"....

thundered the priest.


"Oh...no...father.

I'm only here since the woman who slept
with the sailor came out".

He had been in a bad road smash.....


and wee sandy had him carried into
the bar.


Big shuggie opened his eyes and looked
around.


"You've been in a bad smash"....
said sandy....

"And I've had you brought in here to bring
you to".



"Very well"....groaned shuggie.....


make both of them double whiskies".

the boy was nervously clutching Jock by the
hand as they marched into the Buchanan street
hairdressers.

"Just sit there and read the comics.....son.

I'll go first"....and he flopped into the chair.



"Trim...sir?"....said the barber.


"Aye....the lot!"....said Jock.


"When you've cut it... I'll have a shampoo.....

then a shave and face massage.....

and onything else ye can think of"....he added.



The barber was jubilant and got to work with
a will.

About an hour later Jock arose....

A credit to tonsorial art.... smelling like the inside
of a beauty parlour.

"Just give the lad a back and sides"...he instructed.

"I'm away for some cigarettes".


Suitibly shorn...the boy went back to his reading.



After what seemed like an age the barber remarked....


"My but your faither's been away a long time".


"Och...that wisnae ma daddy"...he volunteered....

"That's jist a man who offered me threepence if I'd
come in and get my hair cut".

Heard the one about the Scottish baker.

He tried to economise by making the
hole in his doughnuts bigger....

only to discover that the bigger the
hole the more dough it took to go
round them.

Jock decided to brave the inner sanctum of
his employer's office.......

and in a very disgruntled voice said....

"I've been here five years doing the work
of three men for one man's wage....

and I think It's time I had a rise".


"Well....Jock"....said his boss.....


"I couldn't do that.....


but if you'll just tell me the names of the
other two....I'll sack them".

Have you ever wondered.....

where people in hell tell
each other to go?.

.......................................
Twelve wives arrived in purgatory.

"Now ladies"...

said the officiating angel.

"How many of you have been unfaithful
to your husbands?".

Eleven ladies blushingly put up their
hands.

"OK"....sighed the angel....picking up
the telephone.

"Hello...is that hell?....have you got room
for twelve unfaithful wives.....

one of them stone deaf?".

She falls in love with a fellow

Who swells with a foreign air...

He marries her for her money...

She marries him for his hair!.


One of the very best matches

Both are well mated for life...

She's got a fool for a husband...

He's got a fool for a wife.

A rare form of the highland fling

is a drunken Aberdonian throwing
money all over the street.



A true scot is a man who never sends
his pyjamas to the laundry unless he
has a pair of socks stuck in the pocket.


Maggie had put....

"REST IN PEACE".

On the tombstone of her departed husband's
grave.....

but when she discovered that in his will he
had left nothing....

She hastened to the mason.....

and told him to add the words.....

"TILL I GET THERE".

Thomas was delighted by.....

the opportunity to use the golf course at
the swank country club......

and even more so when he hit a hole in one
on the eighth green.


As he bent over to take his ball out of the cup...

a genie popped out.


"This club is so exclusive that my magical services
are available to anyone who hits a hole in one on
this particular green"....the genie explained.

"Any wish you desire shall be granted".

"How about that!" ...said Thomas...and Immediately
requested a longer bobby.

"Your wish is granted"...intoned the genie solemnly...

and disappeared down the hole in a puff of incense.

Thomas continued down the fairway...and as he walked
he could feel his bobby slowly lengthening.

As his game progressed...Thomas could feel it growing
and growing .....down his thigh...out from his shorts....

down past his knee.


"Maybe this wasn't such a great wish after all".....

muttered Thomas to himself....

and headed back to the eighth hole with a bucket
of balls.

Finally he managed a hole in one.....

and when he went to collect the ball.....

he had to hold up the head of his bobby to keep
it from dragging on the ground.

Out popped the genie.

"This club is so exclusive that my magical services
are available to anyone who hits a hole in one on
this particular hole....any wish you ......"

"Aye..... Ah know all that"....interrupted Thomas.

"Could ye make ma' leg's longer pal".

Two dimwitted glasgow ditch diggers.....

got upset because they did all the hard work

but received only one tenth of the pay of the

crew boss.


finally...deciding to confront his boss.....

one guy climbed out of the ditch and went over

to the foreman... who was leaning against a tree...

reading the racing form.


"How come we do all the hard work while you sit
here and earn ten times as much?"...he demanded.


"Intelligence"....was the crew boss's answer.

"Let me give you an example".


He put his hand in front of the tree.


"See my hand?...hit it as hard as you can".


The ditch digger took a mighty swing...


the boss moved his hand at the last minute...

and commented to the worker...now clutching

his bruised fist....


"See what I mean?".


Back in the ditch...the second guy eagerly questioned

his friend.


"It's a matter of Intelligence"...came the reply.


"Let me give you an example.

hit my hand as hard as you can".


And he held it up in front of his face.

A little girl said...

"Granpa...can I sit on your lap?".

"Why sure you can"...her grandfather
replied.

as she's sitting on grandad's lap she says...

"Granpa...can you make a sound like a frog?".

Preplexed...her grandad asks...

"Sweetheart...why do you want me to make
a sound like a frog?".

and the little girl says....

"Cause Grandma said that when you croak...

we're all going to EuroDisney!".

There once was a Glasgow priest....

Who had to spend the night in a hotel
and asked the girl at reception to come
up to his room for dinner.

After a while he made a pass at her...

but she stopped him and reminded him
he was a holy man.

"It's ok"....he replied...

"It's written in the bible".

After a wild night of sex she asked to
see where in the bible it said it was OK...

so the priest took the bible out of the drawer
and showed her the first page where someone
had written in pencil....

"The girl on reception will sleep with anybody!".

Andy comes home very late one night....

drunk... out of his mind...to find his wife
waiting for him at the door.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"...she screams...

"IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING!".



"AWWW...I just stopped at this pub...I was
only going to have one pint...but this pub...

It was incredible.

Everything in it was gold plated.

They had a gold rail under the bar...gold ash
trays...they served the drinks in gold pint
glasses...

the table posts were all gold plated... the
mirror behind the bar was gold...

even the cash register was gold.

I was so amazed by all this gold...

I just kept ordering pints...so I could stay in
the pub and look at it.

Hell...even when I went to the gents...they
had gold plated urinals...it was wonderful".


"I don't believe that story for one minute...
his wife said....

"What was this place called?".


"F**ked if I can know"...he replies...

"I'm still far too drunk to remember".



"You'll have to prove it to me tomorrow then...

when you sober up...or else I'm going to divorce
you..she said.


The next day...Andy looks through yellow pages
under "PUBS"....

but none of the names ring a bell.

he decides that he'll call all the boozers listed...

and ask the landlords about the decor in their
establishments.

He's called about fifty pubs...and still no luck.

Finally he calls one pub...asks his question...

and the landlord says...


"YES...this is the pub with all the gold plated
stuff".


"HERE"...Andy says...handing the phone to his
wife....

"Ask the landlord if I'm lying!".


His wife gets on the line...and begins to ask the
landlord about all the things Andy had told her
about the previous night....the rail...the pint
glasses...the mirrors...the table posts and the
cash register.

Finally...she says...

"My husband says you even have gold plated
urinals....do you?".


The landlord puts the phone down on the bar...

and she hears him yell...

"Hey...Frankie!....I think I know who pissed in
your Saxaphone last night".

Big Wullie....

attended his local small church for sunday service.

He was so moved by the minister's sermon that at
the end....

he stopped to shake the minister's hand.

"Ministur...that wis the best damned sermon ah' ever
heard!.

The minister replied....

"Why thank you...Wullie...but please...I'd appreciate
it if you didn't use profanity in the lord's house".

"Ah'm sorry...ministur"...Wullie continued....

"But Ah' cannie help maself....

it wis such a damn fine sermon!".

The minister replied....

"Please...Wullie...I can't have you behaving this way
in church".

"OK...ministur...but Ah' just wanted ye to know that
ah' thought it wis so damn fine...

Ah' put ten pounds in the collection plate".

The minister's eyes widened as he said....


"No Sh*t!".

Einstein went to heaven....

and had to share his mansion with three scots.

"What's your IQ"...he asked the first.

"It's one hundred and forty five"...
replied the scot.

"Great...we can discuss my theory of relativity"...
replied Einstein.

"And yours?"...he asked the second scot.

"It's one hundred and twenty"...came the reply.

"Good...we can discuss new scottish films....
plays...and books".

He turned to the third.

"And what about you?".

"It's just seventy nine"..came the reply.

"SO".......said Einstein.....

"How's Forfar Athletic doing?".

A man and his dog...

went into a pub in Falkirk.


"Sorry"...said the barman...

"But we don't allow dogs in this pub".


"BUT"...protested the man.....

"This is no ordinary dog.......

this is a talking dog".


"Utter nonesense!"...replied the barman.


"Let me prove it to you...now... ROVER!...

what do you call the outside of a tree?".


"BARK!".

"There you are... said the man.

"You see...he really can talk".

"LISTEN!...OUT!...BOTH OF YOU!.

You cannae fool me with this talking dog
stupidity".


"Let Rover have another go"...said the chap.


"ROVER!...who was Scotland's goalkeeper in
the world cup finals in 1982?".


"ROUGH!".

"Right...that's it"...said the barman.

"I've had enough of this".

And the man and his dog were shown the door.


Outside...the dog turned to the man and said...

"Maybe it wasn't Alan Rough....

maybe it was Andy Goram".

Auld Sandy and his wife....

are sitting on the front porch one evening
when his wife picks up her cane...

and whacks Auld Sandy right across the
shins.

"Jesus Christ...Wuman!...whit the hell wis
that fur"...Auld Sandy screams.


"That's fur sixty years O' bad sex".

A few minutes later...Auld sandy picks up
his cane...and whacks his wife right across
her shins!...she yells.....

"Whit the hell wis that for?".


"That's fur knowing the difference".

Three elderly scots...

one from Perth...one from Edinburgh...

and one from Glasgow...were standing
together urinating in a public toilet at a
football ground.

The Glaswegian...in the middle...looked
down to his right and noticed that the
chap from perth was producing two streams.

"What's the matter wi' you...pal?".


"Took a bullet in the war.

they had to remove part of my privates and
now I've just got two holes".

THe Glaswegian then looked to his left and
the chap from Edinburgh was producing three
streams.

"And whit's the matter wi' you...pal?".

"War wound as well.

shrapnel got me...and now I've got no privates...
jist three holes".

The guys from Perth and Edinburgh now looked at
the Glaswegian in the middle and together said...

"And whit's the matter with you...looks like you've
got about twenty streams...Is it an auld war wound?"

"Naw"...said the Glaswegian...

"MA ZIP'S STUCK!".

Where's ma Sunday Post!?"...

Yelled the little old lady calling the newspaper office...

demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.

" Madam!"...

said the newspaper employee....

"today is Saturday.

The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow... That's SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone...

followed by a ray of recognition as the little old lady was heard to mutter....

"Well... SH*T.......

So that's how nabody wis at church the day".

Serving tea....

In the lounge of the Maryhill old peoples home....

The nurse caught a whiff of something unpleasant.

"RIGHT YOU LOT"...she said.

"WHO'S MESSED IN THEIR PANTS!".

Nobody answered...so she patrolled the room to trace

the origin of the stench.

Finally...she found the culprit...Auld Tam...who was sitting in the
corner.

"Why didn't you answer me when I asked who had messed
in their pants?"....she demanded.

"OH'...he said....

"I thought you meant today".

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

OMG, Oddy, I laughed so hard!

Sammy....

Who is blind.... walks into a restaurant and sits down.


The owner of the restaurant walks up to Sammy
and hands him a menu.


"I'm sorry sir"....says Sammy...." but I am blind and can't read the menu....

Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer...

I'll smell it and order from there".


A little confused... the owner walks over to a dirty pile of dishes and picks up a
greasy fork.

He returns to Sammy's table and hands it to him.


Sammy puts the fork up to his nose... and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah.... yes... that's what I'll have... mince and mashed potatoes".


" Unbelievable".... the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.


The cook...Mary....who happens to be the owner's wife is told of what had just happened.


Sammy eats his meal and leaves.


Several days later Sammy returns to the same restaurant.......

and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.


"Sir"...says Sammy.... remember me?..... I'm the blind man".


"I'm sorry"....says the owner.... "I didn't recognize you..... I'll go get you a dirty fork".


he again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to Sammy.


After another deep breath.... Sammy says....... "That smells great........

I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with chipped potatoes".


Once again walking away in disbelief.....

the owner thinks that Sammy might just be messing around with him and tells his wife
that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.


Sammy eats and leaves.


The following week... the owner see's Sammy coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife....


"Mary rub this fork around your privates before I take it to the blind man".


Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.


Sammy walks in and sits down....... the owner is ready and waiting.


"Good afternoon sir..... this time I remembered you and I have the fork ready for you".


Sammy puts the fork to his nose..... takes a deep whiff and says.....


"Good heavens.... I didn't know Mary worked here?".

Mr Broon....

was in a quandry.

He had to get rid of one of his staff.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people...

Debra or Jack.

It would be a real hard decision to make...

they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning whichever one went for a
drink of water first would get the bullet.


Debra came in first the next morning...

hugely hung-over after being out boozing all night.

Her tongue was as dry as an Arabs Sandal.

So....

She went to the sink to get a cup of water.


Mr. Broon approached her and said....

“Debra Ah' have never done this Afore....

but Ah' have to lay you or Jack off”


Debra replied...


“Could you jack off.... Mr Broon.

ma heid's bursting”.

Appearing on a Scottish Television chat show....

Sean Connery boasted that despite his advanced years....

He could still manage sex three times a night.


Posh spice was a guest on the same show...

and after the show.... she made a beeline for Sean.


"I hope I'm not being too forward"...she gushed.

"But I've always had a thing about older men.

I'd love to test your sexual prowess tonight.

can I come back to your place?".


So...they went back to Sean's place and had great sex.


Afterwards Sean said....

"If you think that was good...let me sleep for half an hour
and then we'll have even better sex.

But while I'm sleeping...hold my testements in your left
hand...and my bobby in your right hand".


Posh was a bit puzzled by the request...but agreed to
go along with it.


Half an hour later...Sean woke up...and as promised...

they had even better sex.


Sean then said....

"Posh my dear...that was wonderful.

But if you let me sleep for an hour....

we can have the best sex yet.

But again...while I'm sleeping...hold my testaments in
your left hand...and my Bobby in your right hand".


Posh did as Sean asked...and when he woke up an hour
later....

they had truly fantastic sex.



As she basked in the afterglow of their lovemaking....

Posh turned to Sean and said...

"Tell me...does holding your testaments in my left hand
and your Bobby in my right hand stimulate you while you're
sleeping?".

"NO"...said Sean.

"But the last time I had a one night stand.....

The bitch stole my wallet!".

Tam....

Walks into a bar in London.

The barmaid taking his order...notices
his accent.

They get chatting and he eventually gets
round to asking her if she fancied a quick
one after she finished her shift.

Although she is really attracted to him...

she sensibly declines.

He then offers to pay her two hundred pounds
for sex.

The barmaid being on a gap year and wanting to
do a bit of travelling... being flat broke.. agreed.

The next night Tam turns up at the bar and
after showing the barmaid plenty of attention
throughout the night...he asks her if she would
fancy a quick one again for two hundred pounds.


She thinks to herself....

"What the hell....I had a great night last night...

and I could do with the money".

So she agrees.


This goes on for five nights!.


On the sixth night...Tam walks into the
bar again and orders a beer and a whisky...

but this time he takes his drink and just sits
in the corner.

The barmaid...( a bit disappointed )....goes over
and sits next to him.

She awkwardly asks him exactly where he is from.

" Glasgow".


"Really...so am I"...she says.

"Whereabouts in Glasgow?".


"Springburn"...he says.


"That's amazing"...she says...

"So am I....What street?".


"Cowlairs Road"...he replies.


"This is unbelievable"...she says...

"What number?"


"Number twenty four"...he says.


She is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this...

I'm from number twenty six....my
parents still live there!".


"I know"..he says...

"Your Father gave me a thousand
pounds to give you".

Sandy was strolling along a beach in the south of France.

There were many beautiful women lying in the sun....

and he was desperate to meet one.

But....try as he might...the women never seemed interested.

As a last resort...he approached a Frenchman...lying on the
beach...surrounded by gorgeous women.


"Excuse me"...he said...taking the Frenchman to one side....

but I've been trying to meet one of your most beautiful women
for the past two hours...and I just can't seem to get anywhere
with them.

You're French...you know these women...what do they want?".



"Maybe I can help you a leetle beet"...said the Frenchman.

"What you do ees you go to zee store.

you buy a pair of tight sweeming trunks.

You walk up and down zee beach.

You meet girl very queekly zees way".


"Thanks"...said Sandy...and off he went and bought a pair
of tight red swimming trunks.

He put them on...went back to the beach...paraded up and down
for half an hour...but still had no luck with the ladies.

So he went back to the Frenchman.


"I'm sorry to bother you again....but I went to the store.....

I've bought the tight swimming trunks...but I still haven't been
able to meet a girl".


"OK"....said the Frenchman....

"I tell you what to do.

You go to ze store...you buy potato.

You put potato in sweeming trunks and walk up and down ze
beach.

You will meet girl very queekly zees way".



"Thanks"...said Sandy...and he ran off to the store.

He bought the potato...put it down his tight red swimming trunks

and strolled up and down the beach.

But...he still didn't receive even one admiring glance.


After half an hour of this....he couldn't stand it any more and went
back to the Frenchman.


"LOOK"....said Sandy.....

"I got the trunks...I put the potato in them....and I walked up and
down the beach ....and still nothing!...what more can I do?".


"Well" said the Frenchman....

"Maybe I can help you a leetle beet.


Why don't you try moving ze potato to the front of zee swimming trunks?".

Jamie...

was walking Through town one day when
he bumped into Archie...
an old school pal whom he hadn't seen for
years.

As they started blethering...
they realized they had a lot of catching up
to do.

So Jamie invited Archie to visit him at his
Apartment.

"I have a wife and three children"......
said Jamie.....

"And it would be great if you came to see us".


"Yes...why not?...where do you live?"......
asked Archie.


"The address is seventy six park side mansions..

there's always plenty of parking spaces behind the
apartment.

Park there and come round to the front door...
Kick it open with your foot...go to the elevator
and press the button with your left elbow...
then enter.

When you reach the seventh floor...go down the
hall to your right until you see number seventy six .

Then press the doorbell with your right elbow....
and I'll let you in".


"Right"...that's fine"...said Archie.

"But tell me...what's all this business of kicking
the front door open....
then pressing the elevator button with my left elbow
and your doorbell with my right elbow?".



"Well"...said Jamie.....

Surely you'll not be coming empty handed?".