scottish humour

McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"


always cracks me up that one

Good Joke

Told that he was being transferred
to Glasgow...a London office worker
said he would rather quit his job than
move there.

"What's the problem?"...asked his boss.

"You'll be getting a big salary increase
and much improved benefits.
I thought you'd jump at the chance".

"It's the crime rate"...explained the
worker.

"I just wouldn't feel safe taking my
wife and kids to such a violent city".

"That's nonsense"....said the boss.

"Glasgow is a fantastic city......

Steeped in history.......with great
museums....excellent public transport
and it's close to Edinburgh.
I myself worked in Glasgow for ten
years...and in all that time I never
had a problem with crime".

"What did you do there?"......
asked the worker.

"I was tail gunner on a bread truck".

An Englishman went to a small hotel
in the scottish highlands and ordered
a whisky.

"That will be ten pence".......
said the landlord.

"TEN PENCE!"...
exclaimed the Englishman.

"That's amazingly cheap.
A whisky would cost me thirty times
that in LONDON!".

"Aye"...said the landlord.

"But the folks round here willnae pay
prices like that".

The Englishman took his drink...
and sat down at a table.

Two old men were playing dominoes
on the next table...

and he couldn't help noticing that
neither of them had a drink.

"Why aren't you fellows drinking?"...
he asked.

"The prices here are an absolute
bargain".

"Is that so?"......
said one of the old men.

"Well...a Londoner might call them
a bargain....
but Hamish and I are waiting for
Happy Hour".

Doris and Fred had started their retirement
years and decided to raise some extra cash
by advertising for a tenant for their terrace
house.

After a few days..
a young attractive woman applied for the room
and explained that she was a model working in a
nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and
that she would like the room from Mondays to
Thursdays...
but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and agreed she
could move in straight away.

"There's just one problem"..
explained the model.

"Because of my job..
I have to take a bath every night..
and I notice you don't have a bath".

"That's not a problem"..
replied Doris.

"We have a tin bath out in the yard and we
bring it in to the living room in front of the
fire and fill it with hot water".

"What about your husband?"..
asked the model.

"Oh..
he plays darts most weekdays..
so he will be out in the evenings"...
replied Doris.

"Good"...
said the model.

"Now that that's settled...
I'll go to the studio and see you tonight".

That evening..
Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model.

After stripping off...
the model stepped into the bath.

Doris was amazed to see that she had no hair.

The model noticed Doris's staring eyes..

so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job
to shave herself...

especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned..

Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.

"It's true...
I tell you!"...
said Doris.

"Look...

if you don't believe me..

tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open
and you can peek in and see for yourself".

The next night...

Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath
for the model.

As the model stepped naked into the bath...

Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed
towards the model's naked area.

Then she lifted up her skirt and..
wearing no panties...
pointed to her own privates.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well...

do you believe me now?"...
she asked Fred.

"Yes"...

he replied.

"I've never seen anything like it in my life.

But why did you lift up your skirt and show
yourself?".

"Just to show you the difference"....
answered Doris.

"But I guess you've seen me millions of times".

"Yes"..

said Fred...

"I have ...

but the rest of the dart team hadn't".

Father Murphy was very upset
with the growing amount of his
flock confessing adultery.

During one Sunday sermon he
told them...

"If one more person confesses
to adultery in the next year...

I'll resign!".

Since everyone liked him...
they thought up the code word....

"fallen".

So anyone who committed adultery
from then on said they had...

"fallen".

This satisfied the old priest and the
parishioners.

Everything was fine for months...

but the priest up and passed away.

A new young priest arrived and settled
in quite quickly.

he paid a call on the mayor.

The priest was quite concerned.

"You have to do something about the
pavements in this town.

You wouldn't believe how many people
come to confession talking about having
fallen!".

The mayor started to laugh...

realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain..

the priest shook his finger at the mayor..

and said...

"I don't know why you're laughing...

your wife fell three times last week!".

The Rabbi rose with an ashen face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread
a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which the Jewish
community cannot tolerate!.

I am so embarrassed and do not intend to
accept this.

Now....

I want the party who did this to stand and ask for
forgiveness from God and our Jewish community".

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued....

"Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood?.

Remember....

you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
relief.

Now stand and confess your transgression!".

Again all was quiet.

Slowly....

a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde rose in the third pew.

Her head was bowed.....

and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Rabbi.......

there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan...

I just told a couple of my closest friends that you were

a wizard under the sheets".

Did you hear about the two Scotsmen
who were stopped by the police for
being drunk and disorderly?.

It turned out that the first had been
drinking battery acid and the second
had been swallowing fireworks.

One was charged....

and the other was let off.

you must have been a comedian at one time IRL Skin.

Rumble {KAN} wrote:

you must have been a comedian at one time IRL Skin.

I don't know why you'd think that?...

although people find me hilarious..

when I'm not looking?.

A Mexican...an Irishman...an African...

A kilted Scotsman...a Priest...two lesbians...

and a Nun.. walk into a bar.

The landlord looks up and says.......

"What the hell is this?....

some kind of joke?".

Sandy and Tam...

decided to start their own brewery
up in the wilds of Scotland.

After several months of careful work...

and blending of the product...

they came up with a golden straw like
colour...

with a good head...

and strong flavour of hops.

they sent it to the chemical lab for testing...

and after waiting several weeks
the analysis came back.

It read...

"Dear sirs..

our analysis of the sample sent to us indicates
that your horse has diabetes".

A dark haired woman was sitting in a pub...

wearing an armless top.

She never.. ever.. shaved her armpits so...

as a result...

she had a thick black bush under each arm.

Every twenty minutes or so...

she would raise her arm to signal to the barman
to pour her another drink.

This went on all evening.

Towards the end of the night..

a wee kilted Scotsman at the end of the bar...

pointed at her and said to the barman...

"Hey... I'd like ta' buy the ballarina a drink.

Whit's she drinkin?".

The barman replied...

"She's no a ballarina".

the wee Scot said...

"Come aff it..

any lass that can lift her legs that high

has ta' be a ballerina!".

"I was in a very generous mood today"...

said the lady from Edinburgh.

"I gave twenty pounds to a miserable old
beggar".

"My goodness"....

replied her pal.

"That's a lot of money.

what did your husband say?".

"Oh..he just said...

Thank you dear".
.....................................

"Will there be anything you wish...

sir"...

asked the waiter from the Glasgow
hotel's room service.

"No thanks....

that will be all".

As the waiter turned to leave he noticed
a sheer negligee on a chair.

"What about your wife...

sir.

anything for her?".

"Oh good idea!.....

could you get me a postcard and stamp...

Please".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wealthy Edinburgh couple are preparing to
go out for the evening to a swanky cocktail
party.

The woman of the house gives her butler..
Thomas the night off....

saying that they intend to return home very
late and she hopes that he'll enjoy his evening.

later that evening...

the lady of the manor isn't having a good time
at the party...

so she decides to go home early......alone.

his lordship stays on...

socializing with important business clients.

As the woman walks into her house...

she finds Thomas...

by himself in the dining room.

She calls for him to follow her into the
master bedroom.

In a voice he knows he must obey....

she says....

"Thomas....

I want you to take off my dress".

This he does...

hanging it carefully
over a chair.

"Thomas"......

she continues....

"Take off my stockings and garter
belt".

Again Thomas silently obeys.

"Now..Thomas... I want you to
remove my bra and panties".

Eyes downcast.... Thomas obeys.

By this point....

both are breathing heavily....

the tension mounting between them.

She looks sternly at him and says...

"Thomas.....

If I ever catch you wearing my stuff
again....

I'll fire you!".

The pipe band was playing in the street
and one of their members was doing a
door to door collection.

One door was opened by a very old
Scottish lady.

"I'm collecting for the Inverboogle
World Famous District Pipe Band".

"WHIT!".....

she said..holding her hand to her ear.

"I'm collecting for the Inverboogle
World Famous District Pipe Band".

"It's nae use.. son.

Ah cannae hear a word".

The man turned on his heel....

muttering....

"Ach...tae hell wi ye".

The old lady Immediately replied....

"Aye...and tae hell with the Inverboogle
pipe band!".

An eighty seven year old man
was very proud of his daughters.

but he was anxious to see them
married before he passed away.

One night in the pub he said to
the lads...

"My youngest..Kirsty..she's a
good looking girl of twenty five.

I'll give her twenty five thousand
pounds when she marries.

Then there's Helen who is
thirty nine....

when she marries I'll give her
thirty nine thousand pounds.

Finally....

There's my eldest..Mary who
is forty six.

When she marries I'll give her
forty six thousand pounds".

A wee scot in the group piped
up.

"Ye widnae happen tae have wan
between sixty and seventy?".

One Sunday morning..

The priest announced to the
Inverness congregation..

"I have here in my hands..

three sermons.

A fifty pounds sermon...

that lasts for five minutes.

A twenty pounds sermon..

that lasts for forty minutes.

and a two pounds sermon...

that lasts for an hour and a
half.

now.... we'll take a collection...

and see which one I deliver!".

Wee Sandy goes into a Chemist shop and asks a
woman....

"Could I see the Pharmacist".

The woman asked if she could help.

Sandy said that he didnae want to appear to be rude...

but could he speak ta a male pharmacist.

The woman told him that she and her sister owned the business
and that they were the only two pharmacists there.

Sandy said that he was too embarrassed to discuss his problem with
a woman.. and that he had the same trouble.. regarding his doctor..
who was also a woman.

Now very curious as to this good looking young man's problem of an
embarrassing nature..

the lady pharmacist assured him of their absolute professionalism and
discretion in all their dealings with their highly valued customers.

Finally convinced... Sandy... somewhat reluctantly...

told her of his problem.

"I huv a permanent erection..Aw' day..an Aw' night.

nothin... absolutely nothin that I dae. including having sex marathons...

hae the slightest effect upon it.

Can you gie me onything fur it.

"The pharmacist said...

"Just a moment... I'll consult with my sister.

"After a very short time she re-appeared and said.


"We feel sure that we can manage free board and lodgings

fifty pounds a week... tax free.

plus a sizeable productivity bonus....

starting immediately".

The Scottish Executive has brought out
a series of evening classes specifically
designed for the Scottish man.

It is an Intensive seven week course
with a diploma issued on completion.

Week one.

The toilet roll.....does it change Itself?.

Week two...

Is it possible to urinate using the technique
of lifting the seat..avoiding the floor..walls..
and bath?.

Week three.

Dirty dishes...can they levitate and fly
into the dishwasher by themselves?.

Week four.

Loss of Identity..allowing the TV remote
to be used by other people.

Week five.
Learning to find things..starting with looking
in the right place..and not turning the house
upside down..while shouting.

Week six.

Is it genetically Impossible to sit quietly...
while your wife parks the car?.

Week seven.

The Dishwasher..Cooker..and Oven...
what are they and how do they work?.

The Bishop Instructed his priests that
they must be innovative.

congregations were falling...

modern methods must be considered.

however..
two months later the Bishop had cause
to phone one of his priests.

"Father Michael...

your idea of a twenty four hour drive
through confessional is wonderful.

shift workers can use the service as
they go to..or come back from work.

however..I would like you to consider
one small change".

"To be sure now..and what would that
be Bishop?"...asked Father Michael.

"It's regarding that flashing neon sign.

It certainly is effective and catches the
eye.

but it has to go...I'm afraid.

TOOT AND TELL OR GO TO HELL!..

is just a wee bit over the top!".

"I wouldn't wurry aboot yur son
playing with dolls"...

said the Old Aberdonian doctor to
the middle aged matron.

"It's no me that's worried"...
said the matron.

"It's his wife!".

One night....

Judge O'brian tottered into his house..
very late..and very drunk indeed..

so far gone that he managed
to throw up all over himself.

In the morning..

he sheepishly told his wife that a drunk
sitting next to him on the train home
had managed to vomit all over him.

later..

the judge managed to make it
into the courthouse...

where..

it occurred to him that his story
might not have been very convincing
to his wife.

Inspired..he called home and said...

"Honey...you won't believe this...

but I just had the drunk who threw up
on me last night show up in court...

so I gave him thirty days Imprisonment".

"You should have given him sixty days"..

said the judges wife.

"He sh*t in your pants..too".

Big Sandy....

walked into a fish and chip shop.

"I want 10 pence worth of chips....

please.

I want lots of salt and vinegar
on them...

and two pence worth of pickled onions.

And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".

....................................................


Angus called in to see his friend Donald....

to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.

Rather obviously....

he remarked.

"You're decorating.. I see".

to which Donald replied ...

"Naw.....

I'm moving hoose".

............................................


MacDonald was awarded £10.000 pounds...

for injuries received after a traffic accident

and his wife got £2.000 pounds.

A friend asked how badly injured his wife
had been in the accident.

MacDonald replied....

"Och.....

she wasn't injured....

but I had the presence of mind to kick her
in the leg A'fore the polis arrived".


.............................................................


You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean.


There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an

Aberdonian which said....

"If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen.....

I shall stop borrowing your paper".

.......................................


"Alcohol is your trouble"....

said the judge to the drunk.

"Alcohol alone is responsible for your
present predicament".

The drunk looked pleased as he said....

"Thank you... your lordship.

Everyone else says it's my fault!".

..........................................


In Scotland ....

a seven course meal.....

is a bottle of whisky and a six-pack of beer.

.................................................


Sandy and his pal Angus....

lived in identical tenement flats in Glasgow.

One night at the pub Sandy mentioned he had
just papered the kitchen.

Angus said....

"I've been wanting tae dae that!....

How much wallpaper did ye get?"

"Seven rolls"....

said Sandy.

A week later they met again and
Angus says...

"Here you!.....

I had two rolls of wallpaper left
over after I finished my kitchen".

"Aye"....

says Sandy....

"So did I".

...........................................


A Glasgow scientist....

who cloned a sheep....

decided secretly to create a duplicate of
himself by cloning.

He did so...

but to his surprise...

his clone would only talk in the most
depraved and obscene language.

Not only could he not take him anywhere
in public...

people mistook the clone for him....

and he was asked to resign from his golf
club....

and the scientists lunch club.

In despair....

the scientist lured his clone up to the
top of Ben Nevis....

and pushed him off the summit to his death.

However....

he was seen doing this.

(there are always crowds at the top of Ben Nevis).

The police came for him.

In vain....

he protested that it was only his own creation
he had disposed of.

"No sir"....

said the policeman.

"It's a serious offence.

We're arresting you for making

an obscene clone fall".

One foggy night in the North-west Atlantic.....

two lights are heading directly for one another...

and on the radio an American voice is heard saying...

"We suggest you alter course by 10 degrees to port".

Back comes the reply....

"We suggest....

You alter course by 10 degrees to port!".

Then the American voice says....

"This is the battleship USS Missouri....

leading the American Atlantic battle fleet.

You....

had better alter course by 10 degrees to port!".

Back comes the reply....

"This is the Outer Hebrides lighthouse....

but it's your call..... pal".

A visitor to the Isle of Lewis.....

was getting exasperated by day after day
of grey cloud and drizzling rain.

After two weeks of this he asked a youngster
who was passing.....

"Does the weather here ever change?".

to which the youngster replied .....

"I don't know.

I'm only ten years old".

Three men of God...

were asked the same question.

"When does life begin?".

The Catholic priest answered...

"At the moment of conception".

The Anglican vicar replied...

"When the child is born".

And the rabbi said...

"When the children are married and
the mortgage has been paid off".

They say a Scotsman laughs three
times at a joke.

The first time...

When everybody gets it.

The second....

A week later...

when he thinks he gets it.

A third time....

A month later...

When somebody explains it to him.



.......................................


An Englishman..A Scotsman..and an Irishman

were at the fairground....

and were about to go on the Helter-Skelter
when an old crone steps in front of them.

"This is a magic ride"....she says.

"You will land on whatever you shout out on
your way down".

"I'm game for this"...says the Scotsman...

and slides down the Helter-Skelter shouting...

"GOLD"...at the top of his voice.

sure enough...when he hits the bottom...

he finds himself surrounded by thousands
of pounds worth of gold coins.

The Englishman goes next and shouts...

"SILVER"..at the top of his voice.

At the bottom he lands in more silver
coins than he can carry.

The Irishman goes last and..launching himself

from the top of the slide...Shouts...

"WEEEEEEE!".

How Do You Keep A fool In Suspense?...

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I'll Tell You After!.

Among many other attractions...

The travelling circus featured Wanda the Wonderous...

a faith healer who claimed the ability to heal any malady
slight or serious..real or Imagined.

She usually drew a big crowd...

from which she would select a few people on whom to
practice her healing skills.

Among the unfortunate..one friday night.....

were Cecily Sussman..on crutches due to a congenital
spinal malformation....

And Irving Bland..who had suffered from a terrible lisp
all his life.

"Cecily and Irving"......said Wanda.

"Do you wish to be healed?".

"Yeth...ma'am"...said Irving.......

and Cecily nodded vigorously.

Wanda motioned them behind a purple velvet curtain
and proceeded to chant and pray..grinding powders
together and swaying before the audience.

Finally she intoned......

"Cecily...throw out your left crutch".

A crutch came sailing over the curtain.

"Cecily...throw out your right crutch".

A second crutch clattered to the floor at the healer's
feet.

"Now...Irving"...asked the woman solemnly....

"Say something to the audience".

Irving's voice came clearly from behind the purple
curtain.

"Thethily Thuthman jutht fell on her ath".

How can you tell when a
Scotsman is well hung?.


When you can barely slip two fingers
in between his neck and the noose.

What's six inches long...
two inches wide...
and drives women wild?.
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Money!.

I'd like to meet a woman
who is decent...god-fearing..
well educated..smart..
sincere...respectful...
treats me as an equal...
has a great body....
has the same interests
in life as me.

Now....

I don't think that's too much
to ask of a Billionairess...

Do You?.

Two Scottish farmers...

were boasting about the strongest winds
they'd encountered.

"On ma farm in Aberdeenshire"...said one..

"We had one of the strongest gales ever.

ma cows were blown from one end of
the field to the ither".

"That's nothin"..said the other.

"Back on ma farm in IsLay...

We had a terrible storm one day that blew
at well over one hundred miles an hour.

It was so bad...

wan o' ma hens turned her back tae the
wind and laid the same egg six times".

The priest was talking to
little mary.

"I understand from your
mummy...
that god is sending you a
little baby brother or sister".

"Yes.

and my daddy says that
god alone knows where
the money is going to
come from".

........................................

It was the banker's first time
in prison..and he was allocated
a cell to share with a huge brute
of a man.

"Ah'm in for a white collar crime
too"......

the man said.

"Oh really".......

replied the banker with great relief.

"Aye....

Ah strangled ma minister!".

.............................................

Jamie was at the doctor for a check up.

"So...how many children do you have
now...Jamie?"....

asked the doctor.

"I've got twelve...doctor.

not a bad number for a life's work..Eh?".

"It's about time you thought about your
wife.....Jamie.

she's getting on.....you know.

any more children might kill her".

"Don't you worry...doc.

we'll not have any more.

if she has anymore I'll go hang masel'!".

Three months later Jamie's wife told him
she was pregnant again.

So while she was out one day....

he went into the garage....

and slung a rope around one of the beams.

As he was standing on a chair with the rope
around his neck....

A thought entered his head which quickly
made him remove the rope.

"Haud on a wee minute".....

he said to himself.

"Whit if ah'm hanging the wrong man!".

Wee Tam goes into a bar...

and the piano player is playing the most
beautiful song he has ever heard.

After the song has finished.....

Tam goes over to the piano player and
compliments him on the song.

The piano player says...

"Thanks.

it's an original...I call It....

It gets hard when you stroke it up and down".

Wee Tam is a little bit surprised...but doesn't
say anything.

the piano player says..."If you liked that song..

wait till you hear this"......

he plays another song...even more beautiful
than the last one.

Wee Tam says..."what do you call that one?".

"That one is called......

"I love it when you kiss me there".

The piano player excuses himself to go to the
gents.

When he comes back....

his fly is undone..and his future is hanging out.

Wee Tam says....

"Do you know your fly is open and your future
is hanging out?".

The piano player says...

"Know It....I wrote It!".

A number of Scottish soldiers....

Were court martialled for wrecking a
public house and one of their number
was asked to explain to the court how
the trouble had begun.

"Well..Sir..there wasn't much to it really.

It all started when Private MacKechnie
called Private McNeill a liar...

and Private MacNeill hit him over the head
with a chair.

Private Frazer pulled out his knife and cut
a slice out of Private MacNeill's leg.

Two or three of Private MacNeill's friends
piled on to Private Frazer...

and a couple of others started throwing
glasses and tables around.

One thing led to another...

and then the fighting started".