IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS

So I went to the Chinese
restaurant and this duck
came up to me with a
Red rose and says
"Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

A 90-year-old man said
to his doctor...

"I've never felt better.

I have an 18-year old bride
who is pregnant with my
child.

What do you think about
that?".

The doctor considered his
question for a minute and
then said...

"I have an elderly friend who
is a hunter and never misses
a season.

One day when he was going
out in a bit of a hurry...

he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the pond he
saw a duck sitting on the bank.

He raised his umbrella and
went...

"bang..

bang...

the duck fell dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said...

"I'd say somebody else
killed that duck".

The doctor replied...

"My point exactly".

now i post this joke in Official jokes thread but isnt for ducks

This one is nasty - u have been warned

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

"Anyone who can guess how
many ducks I have in this
sack can have both of them"...
said Murphy.

"Three...
said Quinn.

"That's near enough"...
said Murphy.

Two Ducks walk up to the
desk at a public library
and say...

"Quack..Quack..Quack".

The librarian decides that
the ducks desire three
books...

and so gives them three
books...

and the ducks leave shortly
thereafter.

Around midday...

the two ducks return to the
library desk quite vexed and
say...

"Quack...Quack...Quack".

The librarian decides that the
ducks desire another three books
and gives them the books.

The ducks leave as before.

The two ducks return to the
library in the early afternoon...

approach the librarian...

looking very annoyed and say...

"Quack...Quack...Qua..Quack!".

The librarian is now a little
suspicious of these ducks.

She gives them what they request..

and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the
library..

out of the town..

and to a park.

At this point...

she hid behind a tree...
not wanting to be seen.

She saw the two ducks
throwing the books at a
frog in a pond...

to which the frog was
saying...

"Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit"....

Sigh - Mono warned me. Gross!!!

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha
got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the
boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken
wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ’’Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It’s a pussy willow."

"Wait up…I’ll get my hat."

A Little Duck Poem.

Why live with Ducks?
There's danger you know..

Can't adopt just one..
the craving will grow.

There's no doubt
they're addictive..

wherein lies the danger...
While living with lots...

you'll grow poorer
(and stranger?.)

One Duck is so funny..
and two are no trouble..

The more.. the merrier..
they're all so delightful.

The third is a honey..
the fourth one's a breeze..

You can live in a house full..
with the greatest of ease.

So how 'bout another --
or two if you must?.

They're really quite easy..
but oh Lord..
the dust.

With Ducks on furniture...
and Ducks in bed....

And their toys and things...
"It's no bother"...
you've said.

So..
Invite some more Ducks....
you can always find room...

And a little more time...
for the dust cloth and broom.

There's hardly a limit...
to the Ducks you add....

The thought of a cutback...
sure makes you sad.

Q: Why did the duck go to Brooklyn?

A: To buy some quack.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can’t do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

A man with a talking duck is getting married.

On the day of the wedding he says to the
duck....

"Now look here...

I know you are always sat in that window
sticking your beak in...

when me and my new wife get back from
the wedding I want you to turn round and
no matter what you hear...

I do not want you to turn back round or
I'll break your neck...

do you understand?".

The duck reluctantly agrees.

On returning from the wedding the duck
turns round as instructed...

and behind him the bride and groom start
to pack for the honeymoon.

The wife however has packed too much
and they can't get the case closed.

"Get on top and sit on it baby!"...

Says the man.

the woman does so and grunts and
moans but can't shut the case.

"You get on top baby it might be better"....

Says the wife...

so the man grunts and groans and tries
his best but still cant shut the case.

After a little thought the man says....

"Ok we'll both get on top see if that's
any better!".

The duck turns round and says...

"Broken Neck or not I have to
see this!".

Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing
down the freeway. unfortunately, they lose control, the car flips over
the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen
wheeler.

Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted
by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on
earth, so all of you will be admitted into paradise. The only rule:
"DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

Confused, they all ask "Um ... what?"

St. Peter says "If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other
ducks will start quacking, and ... well ... you'll see."

With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough,
All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk
with the millions of ducks.

A day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven
is quacking. It's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear
it. Hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very
ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal
punishment for the duck-stepping.

Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure
enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

She gets the same punishment as the first lady.

The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is
still duck-free. Then, an angel appears next to her with a very
handsome man and chains him to her.

Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

That's funny....

OMG - That was a very good duck joke!

A little bird was walking along
the road one day...

and all of a sudden...

a vulture jumps out of the
bushes...

grabs the little bird...

pulls it into the bushes and
has its way with the little
bird.

When all is said and done...

the little bird comes out of
the bushes merrily singing...

"I'm a dove...
and I've been loved".

A little while later...

another bird comes down
the road...

and the same vulture jumps
out and grabs it and takes
it into the bushes.

When all is said and done...

the bird comes out of the
bushes happily singing...

"I'm a finch...

and I've been pinched".

Another bird comes along...

the vulture comes out...

and when all is said and done...

that bird comes out of the
bushes happily singing...

"I'm a tern...

and you should see what
I've learned".

Then along comes a duck.

The vulture comes out...

grabs the duck and heads
for the bushes.

After much commotion...

the duck comes out singing...

"There's been a mistake...

I'm a drake".

A Duck is chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree"...

sighs the Duck...

"but I just haven't got the energy".

"Well.. why don't you nibble on some
of my droppings?"...

replies the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients".

The Duck pecks at a lump of dung
and finds that it actually gives him
enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree.

The next day...

after eating some more dung...

he reaches the second branch.

Finally after a week...

there he is proudly perched at
the top of the tree.

Unfortunately he is spotted by
a farmer...

who shoots him.

And the Moral of this story.

Bullshit might get you to the top...

but it won't keep you there.

well i see its open season on ducks again.im game lets go hunting

A guy walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary.

The proprietor replies...

"I'm fresh out...
but I do have a duck".

The customer insists on a canary...

until the shop owner informs him that a duck can be made
to sing like a canary if one files his beak just so.

"But be careful not to file too much off or the duck will drown
when he goes to take a drink of water".

The potential customer decides that this is complete billshut

but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves.

He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary...
no luck.

"But"...
says the shop owner...

"I do have a duck and if you file the beak just so....
it can be made to sing just like a canary".

He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will
jeopardize the bird's life....
due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink.

The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these
claims and buys the duck.

"Besides"....
he thinks to himself...

"ducks are much cheaper".

His next stop is a hardware store...
where he wanders into the file section
holding his recently purchased duck.

The owner wanders by and asks if he needs help.

The new duck owner sheepishly explains how he intends to
make his duck sing like a canary.

The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and
hands it to him.

"Here... a Nichols mark 2 bastard file.

But be careful not to file too much off...
or the poor beastie might drown".

The duck owner thanks the hardware store owner and
leaves for home.

A few weeks later...

the duck owner wanders into the hardware store.

Recognizing him...the store owner asks how he made out
with the duck.

The fellow looks down and sadly reports...

"ducks dead"

The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks...

"Filed off too much beak?".

To which the former duck owner replies...

"Nah...

he was dead when I took him out of the vice".

Poor duck

A young hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank
and gingerly dipped his toes into the water.

he waded in and...as the water got deeper...he soldiered
on..gasping for breath.

Suddenly he disappeared under the water and was only
just able to get back to the bank.

After resting for a few minutes...the young hedgehog
tried again.

After going under twice more...he managed to get back
to dry land before collapsing.

This time it took him longer to recover...but once he felt
fit enough he started back into the water.

Meanwhile two Ducks were watching from the other side
of the bank.

One said to the other....

"Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?".
















































































..

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: don't step on the ducks."

They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is tall, tanned, slim and muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman, thinking that this is great, remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity."

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."