Christmas Crackers.

Subject: Christmas Crackers. Sun 12 Dec 2010, 6:14 pm

A Few smiles to lighten up those dark cold nights.

ADD your own smiles if you wish.

It was Christmas Eve.

John and Veronica had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church.

They arrived home and spent a while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

Some time in the middle of the night they were disturbed by heavy knocking on the front door.

John was unhappy about this...being snug and warm in bed.

He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by a disheveled man who
was obviously the worse for drink.

"Th'cuse me pal.... Will you give me with a push".

"Help you with a push!".... said John.

"You drunken idiot!....

Get away from my house before I call the police!.

Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!".

And with that he slammed the door in the man's face.

John went back to bed.... minutes later he was astonished
to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.

"How could you be so mean and uncharitable"...... she said.

"Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears.

How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve.

Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself
to be no better than that uncaring man...... Shame on you".

John was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of
remorse.

He ran down the stairs and opened the front door....

but the man was no longer there.

So....he ran down his path to the front gate to see the man .....

but there was no one in sight.

On the off chance that the man might still be around he shouted loudly...

"Hey mister.....still needing a push.... where are you?".

A drunken voice replied immediately.....

"Over here mister.... on the swing".

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Mon 13 Dec 2010, 3:52 pm

once upon a Christmas.....

There was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.

He was in his house one day with his wife.

He looked out of the window then said to her....

"Look honey..... It's raining".

Being the obstinate type....she responded....

"I don't think so... dear... I think it's snowing".

But Rudolph knew better.

"Let's step outside and find out".....said Rudolph.

Lo and behold.... they step outside to discover it was in fact rain.

Rudolph turned to his wife and beaming...said.....

" I knew it was raining.....

Rudolph the Red knows rain.... dear!" .

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Mon 13 Dec 2010, 9:05 pm

A man from Aberdeen calls up his son in Glasgow
the day before Christmas Eve and says....

"I hate to ruin your day son......

but I have to tell ye that your mother and I are divorcing.

forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad... what are you talking about?"..... his son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer.....

We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this.

So... call your sister in Springburn and tell her".

Frantically... the son calls his sister.... who explodes on the phone.

"Like hell they're getting divorced".... she shouts.

"I'll take care of this".

She calls Aberdeen immediately and screams at her father....

"You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there..... I'm calling my brother back
and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then.... don't do a thing.... DO YOU HEAR ME!?"..... and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done!..... They're coming for Christmas .... and they're paying their own way".

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Tue 14 Dec 2010, 5:22 pm

A message of Christmas cheer.

My Dear Darling Son....

and That Person You Married.

A Merry Christmas to you...

and please don't worry.

I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat.

The important thing is that you have a nice holiday....

thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.

I've sent along my last ten pounds in this card....

which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.

God knows their mother never buys them anything nice.

They look so thin in their pictures.... poor wee souls.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers.... dear boy.

I've put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.

Which reminds me....

I lost my cane beating off muggers last week.....

but don't you worry about me.

I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off.

I am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don't you even think about sending me any money because

I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take
every year.

Give my love to my darling grandchildren....

and my regards to whatever her name is .

the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love....

Mum.

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Wed 15 Dec 2010, 8:45 pm

Martin and Lena went to the same Christian Church.

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.

Martin went on Christmas and Easter and......

once in a while.....

he would go on one of the other Sundays.

It was on one of those Sundays.....

and he was in a pew right behind Lena and he noticed what
a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up a collection....

Martin leaned forward and said.... "Hey... Lena.....

how about you and me go to dinner in the city next Friday?".

"Yes... Martin... that would be nice".

Well.... martin couldn't believe his luck.

All week long he polished up his old Ford....

and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest
restaurant in the city.

As they sat down... Martin looked over at Lena and said...

"Hey... Lena... would you like a cocktail before dinner?".

"Oh... no... Martin....what would I tell my Sunday School class?".

Martin was set back a bit......

so he didn't say much until after dinner.

Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes.

"Hey... Lena".... would you like a smoke?".

"Oh... no... Martin ...what would I tell my Sunday School class?".

Martin was feeling pretty low now....

so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they
passed the Creaking Springs hotel.

He'd struck out twice already....

so figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey... Lena....how would you like to stop at that hotel with me?".

"Yes.... Martin... that would be nice".

Well... Martin couldn't believe his luck.

He did a U-turn right there and then.

Right across the central reservation and everything...

and drove back to the hotel and checked in with Lena.

The next morning Martin got up first.

He looked at Lena lying there in the bed....

her hair all spread out on the pillow.

"What have I done?.... what have I done?".... thought Martin.

He shook Lena and she woke up.

"Lena.... I've got to ask you one thing".

"Yes...Martin?".

"what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?".

"Lena replied....

"The same thing I always tell them.

You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!".

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Fri 17 Dec 2010, 1:57 pm

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met
by St Peter at the pearly gates.

"You've all led sinful lives"...said St Peter.

"But as this is the season of goodwill to all men....

I'll give you a sporting chance.

If you can show me something that symbolizes
Christmas I will allow you to enter".

The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle"...he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates"....
said St Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled
out a set of keys.

He shook them and said....

"They're Bells".

"Okay"...said St Peter......

"You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets....

and finally pulled out a pair of woman's knickers..

St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked.....

"And just what do those symbolize?".

The man replied...

"THEY'RE CAROL'S".

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Sat 18 Dec 2010, 11:45 am

"Yet one more Christmas eve"....

thought Santa as he was busy making his list and checking everything twice.

When there came the familiar sound of a key in the door.

His wife coming in said.... "Honey...

where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?".

Well.... Santa was ever so slightly annoyed by this trivial question....

so he snapped back at her....

"Put them by the front door.... and stop bothering me.

I'm trying to get some work done".

He just regained his concentration when a few minutes later an elf barged in.

"Santa.... we got all the toys wrapped.... what should we do with them?".

Santa snapped back.... "Stick 'em in the sleigh!.....

Can't you see I'm trying to get ready?.....

And I don't want any more interruptions!...got It?".

But sure enough... no sooner had he started back to getting ready when there
was another interruption.

An angel....came floating through the door...and said.... "Santa...

I have your Christmas tree.

Where would you like me to put it?".

And that is why we have an angel stuck on top of our Christmas tree.

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Sun 19 Dec 2010, 12:23 pm

After Christmas.....

the teacher of a primary class announced that if they wanted to...

each child would be given the opportunity to tell about one special
gift they had received from Santa.

little Mary stood up and said.....

"I got a Bow Wow from Santa".

The teacher addressed the class and sternly told them that they were
certainly old enough to know and use the correct names for things...

and that she didn't want to hear any more baby talk.

She then asked little Mary if she could think of another word for her gift

one that grown-ups would use.

Mary replied....

"I got a puppy dog from Santa"

The teacher praised Mary and went on to the next child....Stephen.

"I got a Choo-Choo for Christmas".... he beamed.

The teacher chided the little soul... then asked him to think of another
name to describe his gift.

"I got an Electric Train set for Christmas!".... he said after mulling it over.

The teacher praised him for his efforts.

The next little boy.... a normally very quiet child said.....

"I got a reading book"....

he then sat back down.

Seeing an opportunity to draw him out a little more...

the teacher asked...

"And what was the title of your book?"

The little boy hesitated... and then... with a serious face
and a knitted brow began obvious mental effort.

After a couple of minutes of deep thinking his face brightened
and he replied....

"Winnie The SH*T".

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Tue 21 Dec 2010, 4:15 am

A man walked into a Kebab shop....

And was surprised to see Father Christmas
serving behind the counter.

"SANTA!"....he said.

"What are you doing working here?.

Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing
for the big day?".

Santa let out a long sigh.

He had really fallen on hard times.

his red suit was all splattered with chilli sauce and
bits of lettuce...his apron was a mess...

and he looked as if the last thing in the world he wanted
to be doing was serving Kebabs.

Eventually he admitted.....

"I'm afraid my business has gone belly up.

What with the credit crunch and the recession....

the toy industry took a hammering.

I had to lay off some of the Elves.....

The bank wouldn't give me a loan and we just lost our
competitive edge.

We wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to
UPS. but none of these measures helped our profitability.

Finally the receivers came in...asset stripped the business
and we went into liquidation".

"I'm really sorry to hear that"...said the man.

"It kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas".

"I know"...said Santa...smiling weakly.

"Anyway...enough of me...and my troubles.

What can I get you?".

The man asked.....

"Can I have a large Donner?".

"Sorry"....said Santa.

"We're all out of Donner.

Will Blitzen do instead?".

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Tue 21 Dec 2010, 4:19 am

A Wee Scottish boy....

opened his Christmas present to find

nothing but an empty shoe box.

His parents told him it was an Action
Man Deserter!.

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Tue 21 Dec 2010, 4:22 am

For her Christmas present last year....

I plugged Grandma into the mains.

It was such a joy to see her face light up.

Subject: Re: Christmas Crackers. Tue 21 Dec 2010, 10:15 am

A little hard on Grandma though.

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